How not to cry in church

I love my church. 

Most Sundays I am standing and singing, sitting and taking in the message, furiously scribbling my notes, underlining passages in my Bible, my heart open for God's word, leaving with a happy servant's heart.

Not yesterday.  I awoke feeling off.  I shuffled in and people were already singing and worshiping, and I just felt it.  That rock in my stomach.  The one that means I may not make it through in one piece.  Usually that means the message just moves me, speaks to me, reminds me of who I need to be instead of I am being. 

Yesterday it was different and I was just detached...disconnected.  I heard what was being said, I felt it, but my heart was so heavy from other things in my life.  I let that affect me more than God's word. 

I could feel that familiar feeling. the ache in my head, the burning in my eyes....nope, not today. 

Cue the music...oh great, we're singing "Lead me to the cross".  An upbeat song would have quashed this feeling but let's sing a song that is guaranteed to make me break down.

I cannot cry! In five minutes I have to check in numerous middle schoolers to their small groups...no, I cannot cry!!!!

Here are some tried and true ways to make yourself not cry during church:

•   Hold your breathe and bite your tongue...I know, you would think biting your tongue would ensure the tears but it's a nice diversion
• Close your eyes tight during worship.  Everyone else  is singing and swaying and raising hands, some already have their eyes closed so no one will think anything is amiss.  If you close your eyes tight enough no tears can escape
• Stare hard at the backdrop on the stage.  At my church its a beautiful pallet wall with a cross cut in the center that is lit up different colors different weeks.  I hope they never take it down. Try and figure out what the different colors each week mean. Obviously white during Easter but some weeks blue, green and red.  I wonder if there is a theme?
• Check out the worship teams outfits and shoes.  Did Kathy make that outfit?  She always looks so cute and check out those boots.  Too bad her feet are way smaller than mine

These usually work...they will work....every time,.....unless the worship team ever plays Amazing Grace or How Great thou Art....but that is just mean and they would never do that.

Bad for me

I have this tendency to want things that aren't good for me.  A weakness if you will.

                 Chocolate, Alcohol, Black cherry ice cream, men who do nothing but bring me heartache.

Let's tackle that last one:  Men who are not good for me.  The ones that I don't need in my life but are fun to have around.  The ones who drive me crazy.  The ones who I see as having potential even if they don't see it yet.  I have this thing with fixing things.  It's the Virgo in me.  I see people who need something and I want to be the one who gets it for them, or in this case I see a man who is possibly broken, in need of  a good woman and I want to be that for them.

 Want to know how many times that has worked??? I am currently 0-3.

Seeing something you think you want can  make you believe anything.  It's quite impossible to think clearly when right in front of you is this gorgeous man who you think could be everything you ever wanted.   But it's more than the physical intoxication.  Seeing the possibility
.....the possibility of what
it could be.  Making something that starts out like this turn into something tangible and concrete.

You know how they say it takes two to tango?  It also takes two to want to build a relationship and make something work, and usually something that is only worked on from one side is one thing: half-assed.

I can only blame myself for wanting to be with people who are no good for me...and just like bad food, I need to cut out the men who are not good for me either.

The problem is....you can't always tell right away.

I hear convents are fun places

This dating thing sucks,  I am not even kidding around a little bit.  It's hard enough just meeting a guy, a decent guy who you are sure isn't some weird serial killer freak.  Then comes the figuring out when you can meet because you most likely both have kids.....young kids who you are not going to leave alone and hell no I am not paying for a sitter for a first date.

You chat, you text , you think...hmmmmm this guy seems cool.

Then you meet, have a few drinks, maybe dinner and chat. You laugh, vaguely flirt, tell horror stories of past bad dates, you think  OK, I can get on board with this. You either have a good time or feel like you are on an interview.  Let me just tell you if the date ends in an hour and a half....it wasn't good.

I have been on some great dates.   I have been on some where I have considered sending an SOS where someone is dying and I have to run out. I don't want to date 100 guys to find the one for me, I hate sorting socks and matching them up, I don't have the patience for this nonsense.
                                                      
You know what's hard? Meeting people.   OK I go to school, and that means most guys there could nearly qualify as my children or are as old as my dad.  Church...that is a good theory and you would think that the size of my church would mean finding a guy to date.....wrong.  They are all married....or too young or too old. Jesus obviously doesn't want me to meet a man there.

So you turn to being set up by well-meaning friends, running into old boyfriends and thinking....oh hell no, never mind not again, OR the wonderful world on internet dating where, as in the real world men think they are going to meet a supermodel who will do their laundry. You may as well set yourself up in a glass case in the middle of town and let people ogle you.


I don't want to date.....I just want to meet a decent, fun, fairly attractive guy. 

OK, what I WANT I can't or shouldn't have because I keep meeting and liking the guy who just isn't emotionally available.  The guy I want to save, the damaged guy.  OR the guy who gives me the "I don't really want a girlfriend right now" line.  That guy I want.  I need to be hit over the head with something heavy. I mean I know I want to save the world but I need to stick with orphans and children and stay away from grown men with their heads up their asses

Most days I don't want a boyfriend... I feel stupid saying it, I'm not 15.  What I want and need is  a Man who knows what he wants. Anyone know where I can find one of those????

A Proverbs 31 woman

I had an epiphany today.  I have actually had several lately but today was a good one.  I actually want to be that Proverbs 31 woman.  I have it tattooed on the back of my neck, but I have yet to be able to live it.

Today I realized that I  will not ever, settle for anything less than what I want in a relationship or a partner.

 Today a conversation with a friend made me realize I should not believe that looking for anything less was OK. 

I know that I am a good woman.  I know that I can make any man incredibly happy.  I also know that I have sacrificed quite a bit of myself and what I want in order to try and make a relationship work.  This might include overlooking things I swore I would never deal with or compromising what I believe in some way. 

I have also heard my pastor make the comment several times about being yolked to someone who does not believe and how tremendously difficult that can be.  A few times he has stood right in front of me when he has said...although I am sure it was just a coincidence.

No More.

My friend asked me if I had ever made a list of the attributes I wanted in a person.  I have.  I have also tried to imagine incorporating some of these people into my life and it seemed impossible. 

My list isn't long.  It doesn't have to be.  Other than being a kind, decent man, there is really only one thing left to talk about.  Jesus. 

See I have always overlooked that part hoping that in some way my life or influence would make that other person want to know more about Jesus and develop that relationship.  Now I am not saying that I wouldn't consider being with someone who isn't currently active or attending, but if I ask you about church and Jesus and there is any hesitation in your eyes, then I know it probably won't go far. 

In order to be that Proverbs 31 woman, I can't just live like her and have those attributes, I have to have that partner in my life who is willing to lift me to that position.
 

Today I attended a conference.  Today I was surrounded by at least 1000 people who were all there for one purpose.  To learn how to grow their church and their youth.  To "say yes" to the next generation.  People who are passionate, about God, about spreading his word and bringing the next generation forward as leaders.  I felt so connected to everyone, not just the people I came with.  This is the kind of life I want.  I want the person who would be right there with me, involved, and if not there waiting to hear all about it and help incorporate those things into our world and church.

I guess if I have to wait for it I will.  I don't want to settle and I am for certain God doesn't want me to either.

Boiled bunnies and Slashed tires

I'm not psycho....not even close to crazy.  I have my moments.  I will admit to throwing things.  Slamming things.  I have had the occasional hissy fit complete with screaming and yelling.  Those moments are few and far between.

 I'm more even-keeled. Understanding. Laid-back.  Chill.  Not a doormat yet  not a crazy psycho hose beast.  

Men say they can't stand crazy chicks. They would rather date cool chicks who don't act like serial killers.  I have had no less than five conversations with different men on this subject and they SWEAR up and down and sideways: that isn't what they want.

Freaking Liars!

At least two of those guys are dating chicks who make their lives hell.  They can't even think of talking, looking at  or breathing the air of another woman that isn't blood related.  One can't even be on Facebook.  They basically have lo-jacks on and if they are 30 seconds late somewhere the chick has full metal breakdown.

Here is your crazy psycho chick!

I had an in-depth conversation with one guy in Charleston.  He had been dating this chick for awhile and they had broken up.  He regaled me with tales of her craziness.  She just knew he was talking to other chicks when he wasn't with her.  She trashed his house.  She broke into his car.  She went through his phone.  She tried to have him arrested.  Guess what?  Two months after this conversation he proposed to her.  Fu-what?  I think they enjoy it.  I think they like being able to bitch about a crazy woman.

Maybe it's time to change up my game.

I am trying to imagine how I would behave. Text him 100 times a day?  Show up unannounced at his house...his job?  Just happen to show up wherever he is because you are basically stalking him? Throw fits, make demands, cry? 

Yeah I don't have time for that shit...

Now let me play Devil's advocate for a moment and just pretend that maybe guys like these chicks because they are more fun. more interesting, keep them on their toes.  Well, the toes part is spot on because with a crazy chick like that you are more likely to have to make a fast break in the middle of the night and possibly naked.

I call bullshit on this.  I am fun and interesting.  I can guarantee this.  I can give a list of several guys who can tell you how fun and awesome I am.  OK that didn't sound right.  But you get it.  I am fun, I have fun, I like spontaneous and cool and goofy and I sure as hell don't have to make your life a living hell to be with.

The next time a guy tells me he is looking for a cool chick who isn't crazy I think that will be my cue to smack the crap out of him, if he likes it....I run.

Me Bravely

Want to cry today?  On my agenda most days is just NOT to cry. It really doesn't take much, depending on how my morning with my kids went, or if my hormones are marching through my bloodstream in the wrong direction  A song on the radio.  A thought.  A facebook post. My overactive imagination creating images and scenarios that will probably never ever happen, but there they are anyway.  Boom, right over the edge into sobville. 

Most of the time I just ignore these urges.  I might let a solitary tear slip down my cheek then take a big sniff, suck it all back in and go on with my day.


I don't have enough time in the day.  I don't spend enough time in devotion. My prayers are not long enough, consistent enough. I am failing my kids somehow, not doing enough. I am not going to make it through this. So often I feel like just giving up, saying "Nope, this isn't for me, I cannot take one more thing."

But I can....and I will.  I am going to do this.  I say that I am doing this myself. Technically I am.  I do it all. School, housework, kids, Dr appointments, errands, activities, keeping them clothed and fed and healthy.  Being responsible for their spiritual development when I feel like I am not giving enough time to mine.  Showing them the world and how to be good and kind and gentle and strong and respectful young men.  I will do it all.  I will not be alone.  I have God. 

So if you feel like crying please go ahead and watch this fabulously beautiful video my friend Pam posted on my FB earlier.  I have watched it at least 30 times and remembered where my strength comes from.  Go ahead and click right here

Under the Wire

I just happened to look at the clock and realize, crap! I haven't started writing yet. and I have no particular thing to write about, no particular feeling so guess what you get tonight?  A verbal assault of my day and how I am feeling.  Ready????

I have got to get this procrastination thing under control.  I have two papers due this week I have barely started.  Both at least 500 words with references, in different formats and one that I have no clue how I am going to finish.  Alas I will because after all I am me and I always get it done one way or the other.

My baby has a fever.  He didn't go to school today and when I picked him up he was so sad and pathetic I wanted to cry.  I did a whole regiment of essential oils on his eschewing the usual Motrin/Tylenol and he is now soundly sleeping (in my bed of course)  There is nothing worse in the world than your children being sick.  You are helpless and hopeful and just praying it's short-lived because after all you have projects due oh and a math test on Wednesday that you have also been slacking about.  (I still blame Netflix for putting on Gilmore Girls)

Pearl Jam is 10 days away and I still don't know who is going.  I have asked two guys to go with me and one never answered me back after initially saying he would go and the other is thinking about it.  Thinking about it??? How do you think about it?  It's  PEARL JAM.  Nothing but nothing makes you feel more pathetic than not being able to find a date to f(*king Pearl Jam.  I joked back in June when I bought these tickets that I probably wouldn't have a boyfriend to go with...well I was right.  Too bad I cant pick the winning lottery numbers. I can't even scrape up a date.  I suck, I am a big ,fat, ugly loser.  

I haven't been able to spend any quality time with either of my best friends in weeks.  It sucks and I need girl time.  I have tentative plans with one of them for Friday night so fingers crossed.  Not being able to talk or see them is making me bat shit crazy and I have started pouring my heart out to the animals in the house.. for real, I am losing it.

I ran a race yesterday and didn't stretch properly afterwards so not my hamstrings are pissed at me and making me pay for it today.  I hobbled all day, my back that was hurt last week feels fantastic but my legs are killing me and I have a running date Thursday (oh don't get excited, it's with my friend Sarah) and I am probably going to slow her down.

Seriously.......PEARL JAM