Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Things I don't understand

People wearing their pajamas in public. To the store, mall, library, etc. It's pathetic. take some pride in yourself people! Put some clothes on!

Girls who constantly play with their hair. Inspecting it as though they are checking for nits. Get your hands off your hair. It's still there, it's still long, it didn't go anywhere.

IT Guys---never mind, that is a whole other blog in itself.

People with no manners. Please and Thank you are the easiest words to say in the English language. My three year old has better manners than most adults.

How some people have worked in corporate America forever and in this day and age and have no idea how to cut and paste or attach a document to an email.

People who don't read. At all. I don't buy the excuse that they don't have time. I am a single mother of two boys and I work full time and I read at least one book a week.

Why I can't win the Megamillions...seriously, why?

Perms and frosted hair. I thought those were outlawed in the 90's

Shows like American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor....I think those are watched by the people who don't read.

Why my insurance doesn't cover Lasik surgery. It would be cheaper for them in the long run than paying for contacts and glasses every year.

Why I can't seem to go to bed even though I am tired and have to get up in six hours.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Get a life

I need to get one. Really. I mean, I have a life. I have a house and a job, and two beautiful children and a family and friends who love me and are there for me. So what is my problem?

I need to figure out what to do with myself. When my kids aren't here I don't know what to do. When you have spent the last 10 years totally responsible for another living person, and then you don't' have to do that two days a week, it becomes weird.

I have hobbies. I read, I like to write, but when I get home I cannot get myself to do any of that. I think part of it is the weather. Right now it's so cold all you can do is huddle under a blanket indoors. But still, I have got to start doing something. I end up cleaning, and cleaning and doing laundry and then nothing the rest of the night.

I need to get out, hang out with people, find someone to have some fun with.

I refuse to become this person who is so wrapped up in their kids that I don't think of myself. Don't get me wrong, my kids are my life. They have 100% of my attention, but I don't want to find myself 15 years from now with kids grown and no life of my own.

I need to be like my friend Melissa who can just go to a city she has never been in and hang out at a bar and just talk to people. Or go sight-seeing by myself.

I need to become my own person again.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Broken, but still fixable...

Being that it's been nearly a year since I have been blogging I have thousands of things to write about. Every kind of topic. So many experiences that I have had over the past year. But as I sit here waiting for the words to come I keep having the same feeling...Blank.

This is the word that I have been feeling for awhile. Blank. Void of emotion in some way. I still laugh like crazy, especially with my kids. I am still a happy person. I am not depressed at all. I just feel like I have a void in my body somewhere that is keeping me from caring about anything besides my kids. I get lots of opinions. Lots. From people thinking I still love my ex to them saying that I am grieving about my divorce. No not really, I am at peace with that. It's done, over with and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in about 10 years.

I just feel like the part of me that can love someone besides my kids and my family is broken right now. I know some women cannot be alone, they have to run right out and find the next boyfriend, husband, baby-daddy, etc. I am not that person. My independence that I have always possessed has increased tenfold. I don't need a man to make my life complete, not right now anyway.

There are things I miss. Again, not my ex, but things about being with another person. The intimacy. The feeling of someone next to you in bed. The brush of someone else's lips on yours. Laying your head on someones shoulder and breathing them in. The thing is, I don't want to compromise myself to get those things. I want them to be real when I feel them again.

I need to learn to actually like myself again. When you get nothing but dirt thrown in your face for a long time, that is how you start to feel, like dirt. I need to feel like I am worth something again, and I need to do that myself. My family and friends can tell me I am wonderful, beautiful, worthy, etc., but unless I feel it myself, I can't believe it from them.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not "poor Heather". I just need to figure out how to feel again. Like a person, like a woman, like I am worthy of someone else's love.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bella and Me

So we got a dog.... I guess I mentioned that in my last post.

Evan has been begging for a dog for years and I have wanted one too. My ex had a thousand reasons not to even though he grew up with them his whole life. I knew that when I moved into my new house I would be getting one, I just wanted to kind of settle in first and get the kids used to the house.

Enter my friend Rachel. Rachel helps run a Golden Retriever Rescue. She also works with my sister and knew that I was looking. The first time Bella (formerly known as Diane) was available, I wasn't quite ready. When I thought I was ready she had been placed with a family. I was prepared to wait until Spring when my sister called me one day and said that Bella was back at the rescue because the people just couldn't give her the time and attention she needed.

Did I want her? I wasn't sure so Rachel said I could foster her and if it didn't work out I could bring her back. I decided that yes I did and went to my parents across the state to get her. The boys were with their dad and had no clue I had decided to bring her home. I met her on Saturday and thought she was great, of course Rachel got me kitted out with a cage and leashes and etc. My mom and sisters went right out to Petco to get some toys and chewies...you would have thought I was having a baby, but these are big dog people we are talking about here.

We have had her for about two months now and have had our ups and downs. She is still a puppy even though she is a big horse. She jumps and chews and has no idea that she isn't a lap dog much to my three year old's dismay. She is extremely attached to me and follows me around the house and sleeps with me much to my nine year old's dismay. There is also the battle of the doggy do going on right now. My oldest swore up and down and sideways he would clean up the yard but it's been a battle. Right now we have snow in the yard and he told me today that he can't find any. Can't wait till it the snow melts.

And last but not least, dog hair. I am pretty sure I have vacuumed up enough to make an extra dog. She isn't even long haired but it's the Lab in her.

My biggest hang-up was crating her all day when I am at work but I also don't want to come home to a bunch of chewed up furniture either. I thought that I could leave her out for an hour or two and did that one evening to come home to a chewed up chair cushion and chewed up box. I am hoping that in the next six months she settles down enough to leave her out more. We are also looking into some more obedience classes. She sits, she stays (occasionally) but we really need to work on this jumping thing. She knocked my little guy down a few times and he informed me he wants to take her back and get a cat. How could not love this face though??????

Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Year, New Mama

Happy 2011! I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I have posted anything. 2010 was a tumultuous year to say the least. What have I been up to this last year? Here is the short list:
Got a divorce
Bought a house
Bought a newer car
Got a dog

OK, I guess that is a short list. But in the short list were a million little things that I did. My decisions were not easy and my life is certainly not easy. It's not so hard being alone because I always felt like a single parent and the only new things I have to do are mow the lawn and take out the garbage.

The hard part is really being the only adult in the house. Only having one income. And even though the decision for divorce was mine, having someone to curl up with at night. Although right now there are usually two kids and a dog in my bed every night.

The easy part is doing things my way, rearranging furniture if I feel like, deciding when to things, jumping up and deciding to do things at the spur of the moment, and not feeling like I have to get home at a certain time. Leaving dishes in the sink, dropping my clothes on the floor and leaving them there until the morning. Blasting the radio as loud as I like. Feeling good about the decisions I made for the day.

I am really no good with resolutions so I didn't make any other than to live my life for myself and my boys. Try and get fit, run a 10 mile race this summer and try and have some fun when my boys are with their dad. Oh and to write, and write and write. I find I am a much happier centered person when I put my thoughts down and I hope you all can come with me for the ride!