Thursday, January 30, 2014


                                                                               So, I'm reading this book. 

   If there ever was a book I should read, this is it. I can't get through a chapter without crying.  I have heard her speak and read other books so I knew what I was getting into.  No one is perfect, no one has the perfect cookie cutter life, we all put up walls to keep people out.  No one is put together all the time, but some people are so good at faking it.  I wanted to be one of  those people.  If I can't be put together then I certainly want the illusion of being put together.  The problem with that? It's exhausting.  The "hustle" and jumping around you do take away from the life you are trying to live.  So what to do? Be real and authentic and let people "see" you... 

I let people see family and closest friends, but everyone?  Yeah, no thanks. But as I began to read this and read her stories and the stories she gathered from her research I could see that practically everyone she interviewed seemed to have the problem as me,

                                                              See these words in yellow??                           
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Wholehearted? I do this..  The problem with being wholehearted is when you are and other people aren't, you only get a piece of that heart back.  I get tired of giving everything I am to someone and only getting a piece back. 

I am enough........ enough of what?  This week I don't feel like I an enough of anything.  Not enough of  a mom....not enough to keep up with anything.......not enough to sustain the last two relationships I have had, which brings us to....

Worthy of Love ?  If I was enough I would be worthy of love....  I know people love me but it's not the same.  My family loves me and my friends love me,  but no one has really ever just loved me.  Not even when I was married.  And any of the love I thought  I have felt since wasn't authentic.  If it was then the people giving it couldn't be authentic themselves..   

The whole process has just been ugly and messy.  Vulnerability is pretty  much a four letter word for me.  If I let someone in, then that just means it's one more person who could potentially hurt me.  
I don't try to be perfect, but I am damn hard on myself.  If things are screwed up it's all on me and the pressure I put on myself to get everything right is ridiculous.  When things are bad, the self-deprecation begins and it makes sense, it's no ones fault but my own.  I think the only thing that helps is knowing that other people feel like this as well.

Instagram seems to be the place that people let it all out. You know that Imagine Dragons song Demons?  "Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide"  For some reason people can throw up a picture and tell their deepest darkest secrets.  The horrible seeds of ugliness growing in their souls.  It's made me realize that I am not the only one who feels like a complete failure, a horrible mother, not good enough....the list can go on.  From this I have drawn strength, and friendships from people who have gone through bigger circles of Hell than I.

So here I am being real and authentic, and vulnerable.  Judge me,, roll your eyes, laugh at me, feel sorry for me, or just be my friend and love me for who I am.  Some day I hope to look back and know that I have made strides and can look at those yellow word  and say check, check, check.