Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I wrote it down so I have to do it right???

Here is a little tidbit about me.  I am not as together as I used to be.  Or maybe it's that I just don't feel as together as I used to be.  Motivation is a word that gets tossed around a lot.  I can ride on it for a few days before I drop it like it's hot and have to start again.  I get mad at myself for not getting it all done.  Basically beat myself up verbally and SWEAR I am going to get it done tomorrow, next week, next month.

I'm not lazy.  I get stuff done.  Like that Tina Fey picture floating around Pinterest  "Bitches get stuff done"  And I do......eventually.  I could come up with a million reason why not but what I decided instead was to come up with a list.  Things I want to do, accomplish, try and master in 2013.  These are things that can happen.  Some are going to make me feel better, a couple might make me more sane.....we are all hoping for that one.  Some might make me better as a person.

So I have hung this up in my room, on my wall as a daily reminder.  I publish it here to make myself accountable, though it may be to total strangers, the thought of disappointing anyone is almost too much to bear.  I am a Virgo after all.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The F word

No, it's not the word you think it is.  It's not the Queen Mother of all swear words.  Some people may rank it up there with the real F word though.  No kids the word I am thinking of today, brought to you by the Letter F is FORGIVENESS.....

How may things have I done in my life that warrant forgiveness?  How many HORRIBLE things have I really done where I have asked that person to forgive me?  Not many.  I have wronged people, those I love.  Made them mad.  Said things I didn't mean out of the heat of an argument, repeated words that were never meant to be heard outside my head.  I have gossiped, enjoyed repeating something to a fascinated audience who I anticipated would have the same response I did when I heard this news and the discuss it in detail.  I have withheld information.  I have purposely repeated something I was sworn to in secrecy.  But are these things that I need to go to someone and utter the words "Please forgive me".  I don't think I have ever said these words and meant it in a pleading, heart-wrenching tone.  I have apologized profusely.  I have been caught red-handed opening my big mouth when I knew better.  I have learned from my mistakes...big time.

What about me forgiving someone?  Oh I have gotten over being treated badly by a friend, a boyfriend, someone who crossed me or made me mad, but I cannot remember a time when someone came to me, Heart on their sleeve...forlorn...begging me to forgive them. And even if I had it must have been someone that I would have forgiven regardless.  I have learned to forgive and forget as people grow and change and those you seemed to be at war with at one time are your fiercest protectors.

No, the real time you forgive someone is when they never ask, never admit any wrongdoing, never acknowledge, or maybe realize, they need your forgiveness.

 In my whole life, out of everyone I have ever met, come across, loved, hated,  passed on the street or blown by in traffic, there are only three people that come to mind.  They have never asked, and never will and I will never utter the words to them "I Forgive You".  I have to just do it for myself and move one. 

One is a former family member.  One is a former best friend.  One is my Ex-husband. 

One had no idea how her actions would affect her children or husband let alone her teenage niece who idolized her.  One took a misunderstanding and ran it so far into the ground, twisted it and killed it so nothing could ever make it right.  One took all the love, faith, hope and will out of the other person until they had nothing left and were just a shell of their former self.

One had no idea they did it.  One did it with a sick deviant pleasure, One could never see that anything they did was wrong.

I have held hatred in my heart for years for each of these people. 

The first one, I learned to forgive as an adult.  She never realized I hated her, even the day I saw her at the mall,  I think I was about 16 and she  looking happy with her now husband and all I could think was "How dare you?"  She smiled at me, thought to speak to me and I turned around, ran as fast as I could and cried in my car.   I learned that if others could forgive her and move on I could too.

The second has been more recent.  It's more of a let it go and forgive because when someone seems to make it their goal on a daily basis to run you into the ground,  you just have to learn to ignore it.  There is no getting away from it.  There are always evil looks and whispers. I have walked into a room and heard my name more than once.  What I stared to feel was Pity and decided that by forgiving this person, I could really care less what their opinion is of me.

The Third is the most raw.  This one will be ongoing.  It's taken me the last three years to forgive myself.  I think I can now  forgive and move on.  I will NEVER get the apology I want.  I have to live with that.  I will NEVER get the acknowledgement that anyone but me was at fault.  I will never be Forgiven.  But I can forgive.  I can move on and learn to live, and love and know that it's not all my fault.  I am not a terrible person. 

There is a song by Matthew West.  It's called Forgiveness.  Listening to it has made me realize its not abut absolving those people but myself.  By forgiving others, we let go of what is holding us down.

"It'll clear the bitterness away, It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do. So let it go and
be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace the prisoner
that it really frees is you, Forgiveness"

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Refresh, Restart, Renew

Here we go again.  The clean slate.  The cleansed palate.  Standing on top of January looking down at all the potential of a brand new year.  This time of year affects people differently.  Some are recharged and ready.  Some are apprehensive.  Some like this author are just ready for warm weather and daylight past 5:30.

The other day my friend (boyfriend?  Not sure what's going on yet)  asked me if had made any resolutions for the New Year.  It's easy to say the old standby of getting fit, go back to the gym, get organized.  You can't look at ads in the paper without seeing sales on Fitness equipment, workout clothes, bins to organize, etc. Every email I get from a store screams Get Fit!!!! Organize!!! Get your crazy life back in order!!!

Sunday in Church we spoke more on the subject.  Our pastor encouraged us as a church to resolve over the next 30 days to pray....for five minutes...EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Five minutes is a long time sometimes.  I tend to find myself praying before bed just like when I was a little girl.  It seems a good time to recap the day.  But sometimes after a few minutes I run out of things to say.  There are enough things to improve upon in my life, enough things I need to ask God for help with, and enough people to pray for, so this really shouldn't be an issue.

For me, I would rather focus on the word Resolve.  I have many things in my life (and mind) that need to be resolved, so the word works for me.

I Resolve  to be more Disciplined on my overall health and eating.  I am a healthy person.  I eat pretty well.  For the most part.  I have worked hard to buy healthier food, nothing boxed. Less than Five ingredients.  Fresh, local, natural.  It's hard this time of year and expensive as all get out but the less chemicals we put in our bodies the better.  There will still be nights we run through the drive thru as there is no other option but in order to lose the rest of the weight (20 pounds) this is what I need to do.

I Resolve to find Inner Peace.  This is a hard one.  I truly am my own worst enemy.  I hate myself.  Really.  I need to stop beating myself up for every single mistake I make, and realize that other people don't view me as harshly as I view myself. For every day that I feel good about myself and that I do things right there are Ten more right after that where I feel like nothing I do is good enough.  I don't really know how anyone could love me and that is all I really want.

I Resolve to Focus  The last few years have been crazy so I don't feel like I am organized as I used to be.  I am trying to do too  many things at once.  I need to stop, slow down and finish what I start.

I Resolve to Ask for the help I need (Virgo Alert)  Yeah, I have real issues with this.  I can do it all myself you know.  I don't need anything from anyone because I am Super-Heather.  Well I wish I was but apparently that isn't true.  I would rather help and fix other people's issues and mine, well I can take care of those too.  So I will TRY and ask for more help and not feel so bad about it.

I Resolve to dive even deeper into my Faith.  OK, I know I am going to get some eye-rolls with this.  No I haven't turned into a Jesus freak.  Well maybe a little but I didn't "turn" into one.  I just thought I could live my life with God on the sidelines instead of right there next to  me.  For so long I felt like there was something devoid in my life.  I started going back to church last April and I feel like so much more complete.  I finally found a church that fits for the boys and I and we love it and I am not going to be unapologetic, or pious about it.  It's just the way it is.  Support me or call me a hypocrite, it doesn't faze me either way.

I Resolve to Write more.  When I don't write or jot things down or journal, my head gets so full of thoughts and feelings that I almost feel sick.  I have so much floating around there that I need to get it out and on to paper.  This Blog started out as a way to do that.  Looking back on some of my posts I think I realize some of them should have been journal entries but I am always learning and  although I may only have a handful of people that read this, I can pretend that every day there are thousands of people salivating in anticipation of my original thought and prose......

I Resolve to Epxress my Feelings more truthfully..  This is going to make some people laugh hysterically.  Depending on who you are you see enough of my feelings on a daily basis. My bestie Tara gets 100% of my true feelings and what's on my mind 24/7.  I am not sure she wants or deserves it but the point is I feel comfortable enough around her that I don't hold back.  For some people I am so worried about being judged, or rejected (Virgo anyone?)  that I will hold my true feelings, good or bad back in the event that they will hold it against me.  I need to say what I feel.  I need to hear the answers, good or bad.  Holding it in just makes me crazy and NO ONE wants to deal with a Crazy Heather.  I work very diligently to keep her locked away in a quiet safe place. 

I think I could go on forever.  But this is a good start.  Basically, eat better, pray more, love openly, live happy and love myself.  Easy right????