Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Refresh, Restart, Renew

Here we go again.  The clean slate.  The cleansed palate.  Standing on top of January looking down at all the potential of a brand new year.  This time of year affects people differently.  Some are recharged and ready.  Some are apprehensive.  Some like this author are just ready for warm weather and daylight past 5:30.

The other day my friend (boyfriend?  Not sure what's going on yet)  asked me if had made any resolutions for the New Year.  It's easy to say the old standby of getting fit, go back to the gym, get organized.  You can't look at ads in the paper without seeing sales on Fitness equipment, workout clothes, bins to organize, etc. Every email I get from a store screams Get Fit!!!! Organize!!! Get your crazy life back in order!!!

Sunday in Church we spoke more on the subject.  Our pastor encouraged us as a church to resolve over the next 30 days to pray....for five minutes...EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Five minutes is a long time sometimes.  I tend to find myself praying before bed just like when I was a little girl.  It seems a good time to recap the day.  But sometimes after a few minutes I run out of things to say.  There are enough things to improve upon in my life, enough things I need to ask God for help with, and enough people to pray for, so this really shouldn't be an issue.

For me, I would rather focus on the word Resolve.  I have many things in my life (and mind) that need to be resolved, so the word works for me.

I Resolve  to be more Disciplined on my overall health and eating.  I am a healthy person.  I eat pretty well.  For the most part.  I have worked hard to buy healthier food, nothing boxed. Less than Five ingredients.  Fresh, local, natural.  It's hard this time of year and expensive as all get out but the less chemicals we put in our bodies the better.  There will still be nights we run through the drive thru as there is no other option but in order to lose the rest of the weight (20 pounds) this is what I need to do.

I Resolve to find Inner Peace.  This is a hard one.  I truly am my own worst enemy.  I hate myself.  Really.  I need to stop beating myself up for every single mistake I make, and realize that other people don't view me as harshly as I view myself. For every day that I feel good about myself and that I do things right there are Ten more right after that where I feel like nothing I do is good enough.  I don't really know how anyone could love me and that is all I really want.

I Resolve to Focus  The last few years have been crazy so I don't feel like I am organized as I used to be.  I am trying to do too  many things at once.  I need to stop, slow down and finish what I start.

I Resolve to Ask for the help I need (Virgo Alert)  Yeah, I have real issues with this.  I can do it all myself you know.  I don't need anything from anyone because I am Super-Heather.  Well I wish I was but apparently that isn't true.  I would rather help and fix other people's issues and mine, well I can take care of those too.  So I will TRY and ask for more help and not feel so bad about it.

I Resolve to dive even deeper into my Faith.  OK, I know I am going to get some eye-rolls with this.  No I haven't turned into a Jesus freak.  Well maybe a little but I didn't "turn" into one.  I just thought I could live my life with God on the sidelines instead of right there next to  me.  For so long I felt like there was something devoid in my life.  I started going back to church last April and I feel like so much more complete.  I finally found a church that fits for the boys and I and we love it and I am not going to be unapologetic, or pious about it.  It's just the way it is.  Support me or call me a hypocrite, it doesn't faze me either way.

I Resolve to Write more.  When I don't write or jot things down or journal, my head gets so full of thoughts and feelings that I almost feel sick.  I have so much floating around there that I need to get it out and on to paper.  This Blog started out as a way to do that.  Looking back on some of my posts I think I realize some of them should have been journal entries but I am always learning and  although I may only have a handful of people that read this, I can pretend that every day there are thousands of people salivating in anticipation of my original thought and prose......

I Resolve to Epxress my Feelings more truthfully..  This is going to make some people laugh hysterically.  Depending on who you are you see enough of my feelings on a daily basis. My bestie Tara gets 100% of my true feelings and what's on my mind 24/7.  I am not sure she wants or deserves it but the point is I feel comfortable enough around her that I don't hold back.  For some people I am so worried about being judged, or rejected (Virgo anyone?)  that I will hold my true feelings, good or bad back in the event that they will hold it against me.  I need to say what I feel.  I need to hear the answers, good or bad.  Holding it in just makes me crazy and NO ONE wants to deal with a Crazy Heather.  I work very diligently to keep her locked away in a quiet safe place. 

I think I could go on forever.  But this is a good start.  Basically, eat better, pray more, love openly, live happy and love myself.  Easy right????

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