It's almost over...sniff sniff

I have been on vacation for almost two weeks.  I am loving every minute of it.  Every summer , my ex and I can each have the kids for two consecutive weeks without the other seeing the kids and its my two weeks.  Let me be clear: I NEVER want to go back to work.  At least not where I work.  I could easily stay home with my kids. Well, when they are in school that is. 

We have had a great couple of weeks...other than me threatening to beat them for arguing every five minutes, its been great.  We have slept in nearly every day, ate early dinners, played outside, everything I can't do every other day I work. 

One thing I have not done at all is run...there just wasn't really a way to leave them, or we ate too late or it was too hot, excuses I know.  I am supposed to be running a 5K Saturday and I will probably just flop big time but it's my own fault.

did I say how much I don't want to go back to work.  my Yoga pants are just so comfy.

We have listened to music all day.  Had no TV days (harder on them than me), cleaned, messed it up, cleaned again, gone to the movies, picked blueberries, swam, went on bike rides.

Seriously, I could just never go back to work again..........

One of my bestest friends and her son came to visit for the day, we had so much fun even though it rained the whole day!  I love this girl and miss her so much, I wish I could see her every day.

The boys and I went fishing with a friend of mine.  They were rotten brats, but in a good way, they just picked at each other constantly.  We had so much fun, the little one caught all the fish which put big boy in a bad mood which led to more torture and picking.  But I think we got invited back sometime so I guess they weren't too bad......

I read a couple books...planned on reading about five...yeah right.....watched some seriously bad scary movies......watched almost every episode of the The Office on Netflix again (Yes I know Jim Halpert isn't a real person, just shut up) 

I am really going to have a hard time getting out of bed Monday morning..........

A Beautiful Angel

I am almost at a loss for words.  Which is rare I know.  Instead of words I wish I could make you see how I feel or even feel how I feel.  Through all of this people keep telling me I'm sorry, and I appreciate it but it's not me who needs the I'm sorry's.  I cannot even describe the devastating grief I have witnessed the last two days.   I never like to see people I love hurt or upset but this level of hurt is unlike anything  have experienced in my life.

I have lost people in my life, my grandparents, great aunts and uncles.  I have lost people to illness who went too soon and too young, but I have never been to the funeral of a child and I never want to repeat this experience ever.  If there was a way I could have made this better for Nicole, I would have.  I would have cut off an appendage if it meant any peace or relief for her.

Since Thursday I have been trying to explain to people the bond between the two of  them.  I know mothers and daughthers are close , my sisters and I are extremely close with our mother, but this was unlike any bond I have ever seen.  They grew up together, they were each others everything. Nicole and Cory did everything together.  Nicole fought tirelessly for Cory, she championed for her, Cory had a terrible struggle with mental illness.  Nicole accepted that and was never ashamed for Cory, none of us were. All anyone wanted was for Cory to feel better.and her mother did everything on God's Green earth to make that happen. To look at her you wouldn't think to be afraid of her, this tiny little woman, but I would never get between her and her children.

Cory was a beautiful child, the spitting image of her mother.  She grew into a beautiful young woman and although I didn't see her much the last few years I kept track of all of them.  Every time I talked to my mom she said "I saw Nicole and Cory and they said to say hi"  She was artistic and creative, she was funny and smart.  I loved seeing pictures of the kids and Cory and Nicole on Facebook or getting messages from Nicole.  Cory was so many things to so many people.  So many people got up and spoke today including myself, and I totally blanked halfway through.

If I could do it over this is what I would say: "Nicole, Tim, and Jake, even though Cory is gone she will always be here.  She will be in every part of your day, she will forever be a twinkle in the sky, she will be a random gust of wind, a sudden downpour, and in every sunrise and sunset.  Cory is your angel now, forever looking down on you, at peace and no longer tormented, and although you would give anything to have her back, you have to keep going,  Nicole you are a fantastic mother, you have been for 19 years and you will continue to me a fantastic mother to Jake.  I will do everything in my power to help you.  I will take middle of the night phone calls and texts, I will be your punching bag when you are angry (literally)  I will cry with you and for you, anything at all to help you,  No one wants to you to forget Cory, she is too special and precious for that.  I just pray that one day you can celebrate her life and not grieve eternally for her death."

I love you Nicole, you are and always have been an inspiration to many.

today-yesterday-whatever

I started this post on Thursday and here it is Friday again.  I meant to finish it up yesterday but I keep getting sidetracked.  I just can't think, my mind is so jumbled up right now that if any of this makes sense by the time I am done it will be  a miracle, in fact if you are still reading this and haven't thought I am rambling and make no sense and just closed the page,  then thank you for still being here.

Let me just say I had the most Fantastic day and the worst day all in one.  And just for reference my fantastic part had nothing to do with the worst part. 

Fantastic because I got to spend time with a really cool guy whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I had the best dinner and even though I think I talked wayyyyy too much I think he had fun too.  I really could expound on this subject but I know he is going to read this and I don't want to give him an inflated ego!  All I am going to say it's taking getting used to,  this being treated nicely thing, I have to keep telling myself I deserve it, but am just afraid to.

Now lets get to the worst part.  Before about 8:30 tonight I would have said the worst part was the unpleasant nastiness I have to deal with on a daily basis at work.  However that all seems quite trivial after the phone call I got.  I found out tonight that my friend, my dear sweet beautiful friend lost her daughter in a terrible accident.  This beautiful creature was only 19 years old, I was there the day she was born, I remember her as a bouncy blonde 5 year old and even though I haven't really seen her much in the past few years I kept up with her and her mom on Facebook.  It's 1:10 right now and there is no way I can sleep.  Every day we hear about the terrible accidents that happen and shudder and say that poor mother, I feel so bad for her.  But we are done a minute later because we don't know them and it doesn't affect us, but this does affect me.  This girl was her mother's life.  They looked like sisters.  She was so talented, and beautiful.  She was a sister, a daughter, a friend and right now its easy to be pissed at God for taking such a unique spirit from this world..  That is the part of my faith that I struggle with the most, that things like this are "God's plan"  If God really knew her then he wouldn't have taken her away.   As a mother, I would be irate if someone told me it was God's plan to take my child from this earth.  All I can now is pray for her mom and her brother and her step-dad and try and be there in any way possible for them.

I will remember July 5 2012 forever for two very different reasons....one good and one bad