Monday, September 17, 2012

Where I am now

It's 12:04 on September 17th.  It's my birthday.  I am 39 years old.  THIRTYNINE.  Really.  I can't believe I have been on this earth for 39 years.  I don't feel 39, I don't look it, and I sure as hell don't act it.  Side note:  To anyone who knows and loves me, if I ever act my age you have my permission to take me out and shoot me  

If you had asked me how I thought I would be spending my 39th birthday 10 years ago, I would have told you with my husband and kids.  Alas, the husband has been erased from the equation, so here I am divorced with two beautiful boys.  Flat busted broke, but happy.  I can't really even remember 10 years ago.  I had one son, just a little guy at the time and I think I was still happy. 

I am happy now.  I really am.  For all the days that I want to pull the covers over my head, hide, cry and feel sorry for myself, there are hundreds of days that I am just happy.  I chose to be, for my sanity and my children's well-being.  And if that means being on my own at 39 trying to rebuild my life then so be it.  Some call it selfish.  I hear the people saying "Marriage is hard work and you can't just give up"  I didn't give up easy.  I fought hard for a long time but like I have said in the past, it turns into insanity when you are the only one fighting. 

Happiness is the one thing I strive for every day.  Life is too short to be pissy all the time.  Look for the good in people and situations and you can usually find it.  In the last few years I have found just that. My faith has been restored and renewed.  I still have my days, I can't be Susie Sunshine all the time.  They don't make a pill strong enough for that, but I really do try.  I have a fantastic family.  I would be lost without them.  I have incredible friends and people who love me and I love them right
back. I have the unconditional love of two boys whom I would be lost without.  I have no right not to be happy.

So that is me right now. crazy....etc