Monday, April 22, 2013

The Song never ends

Let me tell you one thing, if I know you for very long, if you mean anything to me at all, you will eventually have a song (or songs) attached to you.  Certain songs belong to certain people and always will.  Song lyrics are a story and stories are words.  The words and music together, can make an incredible memory.  Happy, sad or indifferent.

Sometimes, the perfect song comes along.  Perfect for the situation, perfect for the person.  When I hear it, if its a good thing I listen to it over and over and over again.  If it's bad I can't dive for off button fast enough, and long after it's over the song can stop me dead in my tracks and make me remember.

Flashback 2011: 

Kenny Chesney can write a damn good song.  They are fun, they are sweet and this one, well this one was perfect

"You and Tequila make me crazy. Run like poison in my blood.  One more night could kill me baby."

I remember texting him and telling him I found the perfect song that describes us.  He agreed.  It was so good at that point.  I could not hear that song enough.  I immediately downloaded on my iPod and probably played it a thousand times.

"30 days and 30 nights, been putting up a real good fight, there were times I'd thought you'd win"

Except there was no fight.  I was completely helpless to fight.He always won.    The sound of my phone going off sent me scurrying and the hours spent on the phone joking, laughing and planning made me feel like I never had before.

"One is one too many, one more is never enough"

There was never enough.  Not enough time.  Not enough weekends.  Too much space between us.  I would have driven to the ends of the earth to see him and at that point I knew I was in trouble and I didn't care.  Drive two hours to spend eight and drive two back home? Sure why not.  We both made the drive any time we could.

"When it comes to you , all the damage I could do, it's always your favorite sins, that do you in."

Truer words were never spoken.  Although we had this agreement, that is was just a fun thing, I had somewhere around three months in forgotten about that and let myself ever so slightly believe differently.  My sins did me in.  Damage was done.  And hard.  When it was over I was devastated.  It was really no fault of his, I had broken the rules, the ones I set.  I just kept playing the good parts over and over in my head, trying to figure out if I had imagined it all, I know I hadn't.  Not the I Love Yous even though I always called him a liar when he said it.  Not the most tender way he kissed my neck or the way he held me until I fell asleep.

I won't lie.... I cried for days, I over-thought it.  I know I drove my girlfriends crazy.  I was pissed.  At myself for doing what I said I wouldn't and at him for being able to walk away so easy.  I hated this damn song.  I nearly ran off the road one day when it came on the radio.  I took it off my iPod.  I cursed Kenny Chesney for singing it.

Now, a year later, I can listen to it.  It makes me think of him, it's always going to.  I don't hate him, I've know him too long to hate him.  It made me stronger.  It made me realize what I should be looking for.  I don't regret it for a minute.  It was exactly what I needed at that time.

Sunday, April 7, 2013



A very steep rock face or cliff, typically a tall one.

abyss - cliff - chasm - gulf
Have you ever been almost happy?  Have you ever stood on the edge, looked over, dipped a toe in?
I'm happy.  Happy with life, happy for such beautiful kids, wonderful friends and incredible family. 

There's just one aspect of my life I'm unsure of.  Standing on this precipice, looking down, I can see partway,  but the rest is an inky swirl of fog. Part of me wants to jump over the edge.  The other part wants to inch down, be safe. hold back.  Hold back? Me?  I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no poker face, but if anything the last few years have taught me to be cautious.  What I stupidly thought  was safe and certain, got ripped away.  I'm not getting burned twice.

I went with a friend to a psychic last year.  It was on a whim and I really wasn't expecting much.  She told me lots of things.  A lot of them true, but one thing she said to me that I didn't even see was that my heart was completely closed.  That I had no room for anyone in my life and until I made room and opened myself back up that person wouldn't be able to get in.  She went as far as to tell me to go home and clean out some drawers and cupboards to make room. 

At the time I scoffed at the suggestion.  I was in somewhat of a relationship that I thought maybe?? Possibly could be going somewhere.  So I just kind of tossed her comment aside.  After that went sour, I still had a backup and until that went nowhere I began to think of what she said so many months prior.  As much as I wanted someone in my life was I putting up walls?  Some kind of invisible line I couldn't see?

So I did what she said.  As absurd as it seemed, I made space.  I cleaned out a drawer in my bathroom.  A shelf in my closet.  I made room.  I put myself out there.  And I prayed.  I prayed and prayed hard.  Not for a particular person.  But for the person that I am supposed to be with.  I made room. prayed to God and have started to open back up. I can almost see this happening. 

I won't's hard.  A lot of it is me.  Tired of being disappointed.  Tired of feeling like I might not be good enough.  Terrided that if I let myself be the teensiest bit look down the road it will all be over.  But I am trying. 

As I stand here, looking down this steep, scary drop I hop back and forth, one foot to the other.  I take a running start then dig my heels in.  I need to just jump, headfirst, screaming into the cool darkness and have the faith that person is waiting to catch me. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Hungry Part 1

Have you ever been hungry?  Truly hungry? 
 I know I have said the words "I'm so hungry I could die" at least a few times in my life. But have you ever "gone hungry"?  I don't mean "I skipped lunch" or "I'm dieting" hungry.  I mean the pit of your stomach aches, you feel weak and your head hurts hungry. I haven't.  In my whole life even when I've had barely had any money, I have never missed a meal. 

  Over that last several weeks my church did a series called "Just"  and we talked about Justice in the world.  We talked about the slavery that still exists and Human trafficking. and we talked about hunger.  We talked about how 1/3 of the world eats well, 1/3 is hungry and how 1/3 is starving.

You knew this.  You have flipped past the Feed the Children commercials.  You have seen the Food Bank billboards in your town.  You have seen the lines of people at missions or churches waiting for handouts of food. I knew this too, but with a million other things on my mind and my own issues to deal with it's nothing but a fleeting thought in my mind.

Our pastor encouraged  us to participate in a Hunger Challenge.  For five days.  To eat as most of the rest of the world eats.  One cup of Oatmeal for breakfast. One cup of rice and beans for lunch.  The same for dinner. Tap water to drink.  That's it.  I thought about it for a couple weeks.  Wondered who else would do it.  Wondered if I had the strength, the willpower to complete it.  

The weekend before it started I was in Chicago and as I was eating Pizza and burgers and whatever else I pleased, it was weighing on my mind and my heart.  Did I really want to do this?  Could I?  I still had to make dinner for the boys.  I still had to smell all the food other people were eating at work.  I couldnt' just fly through Timmy Ho's and get a huge coffee. 

But I did it.  Thankfully, another girl in my department attends my church and she did it too.  It was wonderful to have someone to encourage and talk about it with. There were also other members of church that I kept up with.  We posted on Facebook and Instagram and we encouraged each other. We were tested in many ways last week but we made it to Friday.  A little lighter maybe, but no worse for wear.

I did learn some things though....

I eat way too much food.  even though I don't eat half as much as I used to, I don't need to eat as much as I think I do.

We waste too much food.  I think I lectured my boys about five different times about what they were eating, how much, and how much they really needed to eat and snack.  

I spent almost no money.  Other than gas in my car and the bills I had to pay, I spent nothing all week.  I never went into the grocery store.  The boys got whatever I had on hand for dinner and they were fine with that.  They went to their dad's for two days, so I could just prepare my own food

I have a ton of food in my house.  When you can't eat but have food at the ready, you open the fridge and cupboards a lot.  I kept thinking, I could eat this, and this, and this and that.  We are definitely eating out of our pantry more.

I'm pretty sure my stomach shrunk a little. I still can't eat a lot at one time,  This could be a good thing.

I can make a cup of rice and beans last about a half an hour. I am also pretty sure I didn't leave a single grain of rice on my plate.

I don't need to drink pop.  But I do still need coffee.

It was hard explaining what I was doing and why to some people.  Not just people who don't go to church, that would have been a no-brainer, but even some who attend other churches looked at me like I was crazy. No my church didn't make me do it, yes it was tied into Easter but that wasn't the only reason.  Yes, I know I can quit if I want to and God won't think any less of me.  Some of the things people said were astounding.

And finally, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  I had moments of weakness where I wanted to eat something.  I could have, but in doing that I would have given up what I was striving for.  It opened my eyes, not just to the hunger around me but within myself.  I prayed more.  I thought more. I took the opportunity to keep myself occupied and complete tasks.  I went to bed early.  I read my Bible more.   When I focused my mind on something other than how hungry I was, I was able to see some things that I needed to see, and when I say I was hungry it wasn't just physical hunger....

To be continued.....