Have you ever been almost happy? Have you ever stood on the edge, looked over, dipped a toe in?
I'm happy. Happy with life, happy for such beautiful kids, wonderful friends and incredible family.
There's just one aspect of my life I'm unsure of. Standing on this precipice, looking down, I can see partway, but the rest is an inky swirl of fog. Part of me wants to jump over the edge. The other part wants to inch down, be safe. hold back. Hold back? Me? I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no poker face, but if anything the last few years have taught me to be cautious. What I stupidly thought was safe and certain, got ripped away. I'm not getting burned twice.
I went with a friend to a psychic last year. It was on a whim and I really wasn't expecting much. She told me lots of things. A lot of them true, but one thing she said to me that I didn't even see was that my heart was completely closed. That I had no room for anyone in my life and until I made room and opened myself back up that person wouldn't be able to get in. She went as far as to tell me to go home and clean out some drawers and cupboards to make room.
At the time I scoffed at the suggestion. I was in somewhat of a relationship that I thought maybe?? Possibly could be going somewhere. So I just kind of tossed her comment aside. After that went sour, I still had a backup and until that went nowhere I began to think of what she said so many months prior. As much as I wanted someone in my life was I putting up walls? Some kind of invisible line I couldn't see?
So I did what she said. As absurd as it seemed, I made space. I cleaned out a drawer in my bathroom. A shelf in my closet. I made room. I put myself out there. And I prayed. I prayed and prayed hard. Not for a particular person. But for the person that I am supposed to be with. I made room. prayed to God and have started to open back up. I can almost see this happening.
I won't lie....it's hard. A lot of it is me. Tired of being disappointed. Tired of feeling like I might not be good enough. Terrided that if I let myself be the teensiest bit happy....to look down the road it will all be over. But I am trying.
As I stand here, looking down this steep, scary drop I hop back and forth, one foot to the other. I take a running start then dig my heels in. I need to just jump, headfirst, screaming into the cool darkness and have the faith that person is waiting to catch me.