Saturday, February 8, 2014

The process

I decided to make homemade Alfredo sauce tonight.  Trying to get away from anything boxed, canned, etc, I thought, why not?  I had the ingredients and what I didn't have I could just wing, because I'm crazy like that.

So I fired up my laptop, got on Pinterest, got my ingredients and started. Butter, garlic, pepper, Parmesan, milk(instead of cream) and  off I go. 

I started along confident in my cooking abilities (I am an awesome cook Thank you) throwing ingredients in, checking the recipe and moving along.  When I added the milk and cooked it for awhile it wasn't thickening so I threw in some cream cheese because I was impatient that it wasn't turning out right.  I wasn't letting it cook and respecting the process.  As I stood there staring at this concoction gurgling in the pan before me I started to wonder how many other things in my life I do this with.

As confident and assured that I am in several areas of my life, I seem to be impatient and try and change things in others.  I just want things to work out and be good.  I know part of this stems from my marriage and trying to hurry up and make everyone happy, sacrificing my own happiness and health.  Part is just my personality.  I'm a pleasing person and if everyone around me is happy  then I am too.  I want to fix things and make it all better. 

Right now my relationship with my 12 year old is less than stellar.  He wants to be grown up now and doesn't want me interjecting in his life.  He doesn't want me riding him about school or the friends I don't like.  I want to fix it.  I know I can't just do that but I also know that I won't tolerate the amount of disrespect coming from him.  I hate this discord.  I want to skip a few steps and have everything be OK.  I know deep down I can't, I have to let it go and work it out and not rush it, but it stinks.

Another thing I don't want to take the time to let Right now it's easier to just ignore that part of my life.  Since my last 2 1/2 relationships ended sucktacularly, I'd just rather forget it all together.  But that's no fun.   See there is this guy I have noticed.  Cute, seems super nice, seems to have it together, athletic....but I don't really know him at all.  I'd like to, but there are a million reasons in my mind that I should just stop now and save myself dealing with the process at all.

Let's see:
                       I'm a few years older than him (why should this matter)
                       He doesn't have kids and I have two
                       Did I mention he's really cute?
                       I don't think I am good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, etc
                       He'd never be interested in dating an older, fat chick with two kids,

Yes I know I probably need therapy but I can't help the thoughts in my head from playing over and over and stopping me from even talking to him other than idle chitchat.  My two best friends are ready to kill me, or intervene on my behalf which has me envisioning notes being passed with a Do you like Heather? Yes or no? And look, I know the barrage of texts and comments I will probably get with What the Hell is wrong with you?  But this is what keeps me terrified of even trying.  The fact that even though he may say yes. We may become great friends.....or more.  The ingredients are all might turn out horribly so why did I try in the first place?

My Alfredo sauce?  How did that turn out?  Pretty good actually.  Once I stepped away and let it cook  and not fuss over it, it tasted fantastic.  Kind of runny, but delicious and that was good enough for me! I know what to do if I try it again and make it turn out even better....