Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A Beautiful Angel

I am almost at a loss for words.  Which is rare I know.  Instead of words I wish I could make you see how I feel or even feel how I feel.  Through all of this people keep telling me I'm sorry, and I appreciate it but it's not me who needs the I'm sorry's.  I cannot even describe the devastating grief I have witnessed the last two days.   I never like to see people I love hurt or upset but this level of hurt is unlike anything  have experienced in my life.

I have lost people in my life, my grandparents, great aunts and uncles.  I have lost people to illness who went too soon and too young, but I have never been to the funeral of a child and I never want to repeat this experience ever.  If there was a way I could have made this better for Nicole, I would have.  I would have cut off an appendage if it meant any peace or relief for her.

Since Thursday I have been trying to explain to people the bond between the two of  them.  I know mothers and daughthers are close , my sisters and I are extremely close with our mother, but this was unlike any bond I have ever seen.  They grew up together, they were each others everything. Nicole and Cory did everything together.  Nicole fought tirelessly for Cory, she championed for her, Cory had a terrible struggle with mental illness.  Nicole accepted that and was never ashamed for Cory, none of us were. All anyone wanted was for Cory to feel better.and her mother did everything on God's Green earth to make that happen. To look at her you wouldn't think to be afraid of her, this tiny little woman, but I would never get between her and her children.

Cory was a beautiful child, the spitting image of her mother.  She grew into a beautiful young woman and although I didn't see her much the last few years I kept track of all of them.  Every time I talked to my mom she said "I saw Nicole and Cory and they said to say hi"  She was artistic and creative, she was funny and smart.  I loved seeing pictures of the kids and Cory and Nicole on Facebook or getting messages from Nicole.  Cory was so many things to so many people.  So many people got up and spoke today including myself, and I totally blanked halfway through.

If I could do it over this is what I would say: "Nicole, Tim, and Jake, even though Cory is gone she will always be here.  She will be in every part of your day, she will forever be a twinkle in the sky, she will be a random gust of wind, a sudden downpour, and in every sunrise and sunset.  Cory is your angel now, forever looking down on you, at peace and no longer tormented, and although you would give anything to have her back, you have to keep going,  Nicole you are a fantastic mother, you have been for 19 years and you will continue to me a fantastic mother to Jake.  I will do everything in my power to help you.  I will take middle of the night phone calls and texts, I will be your punching bag when you are angry (literally)  I will cry with you and for you, anything at all to help you,  No one wants to you to forget Cory, she is too special and precious for that.  I just pray that one day you can celebrate her life and not grieve eternally for her death."

I love you Nicole, you are and always have been an inspiration to many.

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