Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Broken, but still fixable...

Being that it's been nearly a year since I have been blogging I have thousands of things to write about. Every kind of topic. So many experiences that I have had over the past year. But as I sit here waiting for the words to come I keep having the same feeling...Blank.

This is the word that I have been feeling for awhile. Blank. Void of emotion in some way. I still laugh like crazy, especially with my kids. I am still a happy person. I am not depressed at all. I just feel like I have a void in my body somewhere that is keeping me from caring about anything besides my kids. I get lots of opinions. Lots. From people thinking I still love my ex to them saying that I am grieving about my divorce. No not really, I am at peace with that. It's done, over with and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in about 10 years.

I just feel like the part of me that can love someone besides my kids and my family is broken right now. I know some women cannot be alone, they have to run right out and find the next boyfriend, husband, baby-daddy, etc. I am not that person. My independence that I have always possessed has increased tenfold. I don't need a man to make my life complete, not right now anyway.

There are things I miss. Again, not my ex, but things about being with another person. The intimacy. The feeling of someone next to you in bed. The brush of someone else's lips on yours. Laying your head on someones shoulder and breathing them in. The thing is, I don't want to compromise myself to get those things. I want them to be real when I feel them again.

I need to learn to actually like myself again. When you get nothing but dirt thrown in your face for a long time, that is how you start to feel, like dirt. I need to feel like I am worth something again, and I need to do that myself. My family and friends can tell me I am wonderful, beautiful, worthy, etc., but unless I feel it myself, I can't believe it from them.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not "poor Heather". I just need to figure out how to feel again. Like a person, like a woman, like I am worthy of someone else's love.

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