The way I remember it

Ah 2014..... in a few hours you will be over and we will be flipping the calendar on a new year.  At the top...a fresh start...new pages on which to leave an impression, new memories to make.

I know a lot of people think this way.  As if the stroke of midnight and the leaving behind of a year either good, bad or otherwise will then render them new and fresh.

I don't feel that way....I know, surprise surprise.  I like to see this as more of a realistic outlook rather than cynicism. Self-preservation.   My big-eyed, sunny outlook on the world dissipated long ago.

I had a good year.  A different year; unlike any I have had in my life.  I doubt like any I will have again.  I didn't work at all, instead went back to school full time.  That was a bit weird.  At first anyway.  Now I don't ever want to work again. (Just kidding) But seriously, it has been phenomenal being able to be at everything for my kids and not worry, and although I know it's coming to an end.
I have enjoyed it immensely.

So what have I done this year?  Let's see:

• Completed 38 college credits by going to school full time year round (and made Dean's List)
• Went to six concerts including my ultimate bucket list....Pearl Jam
• Went to Charleston, SC twice! I love that city and got to take my boys the second time around
• Ran in seven races...not as many as years past but still
• Got two tattoos
• Developed my faith even deeper than before
• Lost more weight by working out and eating healthy and lots of inches as well
• Took my boys to some really cool places in Michigan
• Spent many long drunken evenings with friends, talking and making the world right
• Became a Hospice Caregiver Respite volunteer
• Volunteered at several events for homeless and hungry and needy
• Put up a free library in my front yard (with the help of some awesome friends)
• Grew my first garden successfully
• Watched a few people who I love dearly get married and hopefully live long happy lives together
• Wrote more this year than I have in my life thanks to an awesome class and gorgeous professor
• Went on several first dates...only first because apparently I am not everyones cup of tea
• Realized though the above may be true there is nothing wrong with me, I am awesome and fantastic
• Kissed quite a few really cute men
• Made some really poor decisions
• Made some excellent ones
• Learned that words are just words and not promises although I knew that already

I have had quite a year.  Good, bad and in-between.  I hold no illusions for next year except more of the same.  I know me, and I don't do resolutions, I just try and be better every year

Bah humbug and all that

Me, getting ready for Christmas

It's the most wonderf------ no, it's not.  It's not even close.  I cannot wait for this to be over. 

I don't hate Christmas....really.  I just seemed to have lost my Christmas spirit somewhere.  Back in 2010 and have yet to get it back.  Honestly if it wasn't for kids I don't think there would even be decorations adorning this cheap, fake tree I dug out.

Here, let me just jump to the obvious reason you think it is...save you some time.  Aw, it's because I'm single right?  No man in my life so this has to be difficult for me....blah blah blah, I have heard it all and just stop okay?!  Nothing to do with that.  Although there are days where it would be nice, I harbor no desperate desire for another person in my life and the lack thereof has no bearing on my holiday season.

It would make more sense if I'd had a terrible childhood or some horrible holiday experience like the girl in Gremlins whose dad gets stuck in the chimney and dies. Nope on both counts.

It's not one big thing, it's a bunch of little things.

It's not having my boys with me all day today; a by-product of divorce, I know,  My decision, I know.  It still sucks. 

It's having my family on the other side of the state and knowing that no matter how much I want it there will never be Christmas at my grandparents with my entire family again.

It's the sorrow and sadness for my friends who have lost their sons, and daughters, mothers and fathers, and knowing how hard it is for them. 

It's the decadence and the extreme consumerism. Watching people overindulge and get lost in spending and buying stuff because they are "supposed to"

It's the total takeover of this holiday complete with decorations out in October and music playing as of Thanksgiving.

But... I'm not a total Grinch. 

I love my boys getting excited about decorations and being able to pick out a new ornament at Bronners.

I love the fact that I still have one that believes in Santa and one who plays right along with his little brother.

I love the fact that my boys are just as focused on Jesus and the miracle of the season as they are Santa and presents.

I love that they have giving hearts and want to put money in every red bucket they see and buy presents for kids who have less than they do.

I love the Christmas Eve service at my church and that this year my boys made it back in time from their dad's to attend as well.

I hope some day it all falls together...that my skin stops thickening around the middle of November and I let myself get swept away in it all. 

How not to cry in church

I love my church. 

Most Sundays I am standing and singing, sitting and taking in the message, furiously scribbling my notes, underlining passages in my Bible, my heart open for God's word, leaving with a happy servant's heart.

Not yesterday.  I awoke feeling off.  I shuffled in and people were already singing and worshiping, and I just felt it.  That rock in my stomach.  The one that means I may not make it through in one piece.  Usually that means the message just moves me, speaks to me, reminds me of who I need to be instead of I am being. 

Yesterday it was different and I was just detached...disconnected.  I heard what was being said, I felt it, but my heart was so heavy from other things in my life.  I let that affect me more than God's word. 

I could feel that familiar feeling. the ache in my head, the burning in my eyes....nope, not today. 

Cue the music...oh great, we're singing "Lead me to the cross".  An upbeat song would have quashed this feeling but let's sing a song that is guaranteed to make me break down.

I cannot cry! In five minutes I have to check in numerous middle schoolers to their small groups...no, I cannot cry!!!!

Here are some tried and true ways to make yourself not cry during church:

•   Hold your breathe and bite your tongue...I know, you would think biting your tongue would ensure the tears but it's a nice diversion
• Close your eyes tight during worship.  Everyone else  is singing and swaying and raising hands, some already have their eyes closed so no one will think anything is amiss.  If you close your eyes tight enough no tears can escape
• Stare hard at the backdrop on the stage.  At my church its a beautiful pallet wall with a cross cut in the center that is lit up different colors different weeks.  I hope they never take it down. Try and figure out what the different colors each week mean. Obviously white during Easter but some weeks blue, green and red.  I wonder if there is a theme?
• Check out the worship teams outfits and shoes.  Did Kathy make that outfit?  She always looks so cute and check out those boots.  Too bad her feet are way smaller than mine

These usually work...they will work....every time,.....unless the worship team ever plays Amazing Grace or How Great thou Art....but that is just mean and they would never do that.

Bad for me

I have this tendency to want things that aren't good for me.  A weakness if you will.

                 Chocolate, Alcohol, Black cherry ice cream, men who do nothing but bring me heartache.

Let's tackle that last one:  Men who are not good for me.  The ones that I don't need in my life but are fun to have around.  The ones who drive me crazy.  The ones who I see as having potential even if they don't see it yet.  I have this thing with fixing things.  It's the Virgo in me.  I see people who need something and I want to be the one who gets it for them, or in this case I see a man who is possibly broken, in need of  a good woman and I want to be that for them.

 Want to know how many times that has worked??? I am currently 0-3.

Seeing something you think you want can  make you believe anything.  It's quite impossible to think clearly when right in front of you is this gorgeous man who you think could be everything you ever wanted.   But it's more than the physical intoxication.  Seeing the possibility
.....the possibility of what
it could be.  Making something that starts out like this turn into something tangible and concrete.

You know how they say it takes two to tango?  It also takes two to want to build a relationship and make something work, and usually something that is only worked on from one side is one thing: half-assed.

I can only blame myself for wanting to be with people who are no good for me...and just like bad food, I need to cut out the men who are not good for me either.

The problem is....you can't always tell right away.

I hear convents are fun places

This dating thing sucks,  I am not even kidding around a little bit.  It's hard enough just meeting a guy, a decent guy who you are sure isn't some weird serial killer freak.  Then comes the figuring out when you can meet because you most likely both have kids.....young kids who you are not going to leave alone and hell no I am not paying for a sitter for a first date.

You chat, you text , you think...hmmmmm this guy seems cool.

Then you meet, have a few drinks, maybe dinner and chat. You laugh, vaguely flirt, tell horror stories of past bad dates, you think  OK, I can get on board with this. You either have a good time or feel like you are on an interview.  Let me just tell you if the date ends in an hour and a half....it wasn't good.

I have been on some great dates.   I have been on some where I have considered sending an SOS where someone is dying and I have to run out. I don't want to date 100 guys to find the one for me, I hate sorting socks and matching them up, I don't have the patience for this nonsense.
                                                      
You know what's hard? Meeting people.   OK I go to school, and that means most guys there could nearly qualify as my children or are as old as my dad.  Church...that is a good theory and you would think that the size of my church would mean finding a guy to date.....wrong.  They are all married....or too young or too old. Jesus obviously doesn't want me to meet a man there.

So you turn to being set up by well-meaning friends, running into old boyfriends and thinking....oh hell no, never mind not again, OR the wonderful world on internet dating where, as in the real world men think they are going to meet a supermodel who will do their laundry. You may as well set yourself up in a glass case in the middle of town and let people ogle you.


I don't want to date.....I just want to meet a decent, fun, fairly attractive guy. 

OK, what I WANT I can't or shouldn't have because I keep meeting and liking the guy who just isn't emotionally available.  The guy I want to save, the damaged guy.  OR the guy who gives me the "I don't really want a girlfriend right now" line.  That guy I want.  I need to be hit over the head with something heavy. I mean I know I want to save the world but I need to stick with orphans and children and stay away from grown men with their heads up their asses

Most days I don't want a boyfriend... I feel stupid saying it, I'm not 15.  What I want and need is  a Man who knows what he wants. Anyone know where I can find one of those????

A Proverbs 31 woman

I had an epiphany today.  I have actually had several lately but today was a good one.  I actually want to be that Proverbs 31 woman.  I have it tattooed on the back of my neck, but I have yet to be able to live it.

Today I realized that I  will not ever, settle for anything less than what I want in a relationship or a partner.

 Today a conversation with a friend made me realize I should not believe that looking for anything less was OK. 

I know that I am a good woman.  I know that I can make any man incredibly happy.  I also know that I have sacrificed quite a bit of myself and what I want in order to try and make a relationship work.  This might include overlooking things I swore I would never deal with or compromising what I believe in some way. 

I have also heard my pastor make the comment several times about being yolked to someone who does not believe and how tremendously difficult that can be.  A few times he has stood right in front of me when he has said...although I am sure it was just a coincidence.

No More.

My friend asked me if I had ever made a list of the attributes I wanted in a person.  I have.  I have also tried to imagine incorporating some of these people into my life and it seemed impossible. 

My list isn't long.  It doesn't have to be.  Other than being a kind, decent man, there is really only one thing left to talk about.  Jesus. 

See I have always overlooked that part hoping that in some way my life or influence would make that other person want to know more about Jesus and develop that relationship.  Now I am not saying that I wouldn't consider being with someone who isn't currently active or attending, but if I ask you about church and Jesus and there is any hesitation in your eyes, then I know it probably won't go far. 

In order to be that Proverbs 31 woman, I can't just live like her and have those attributes, I have to have that partner in my life who is willing to lift me to that position.
 

Today I attended a conference.  Today I was surrounded by at least 1000 people who were all there for one purpose.  To learn how to grow their church and their youth.  To "say yes" to the next generation.  People who are passionate, about God, about spreading his word and bringing the next generation forward as leaders.  I felt so connected to everyone, not just the people I came with.  This is the kind of life I want.  I want the person who would be right there with me, involved, and if not there waiting to hear all about it and help incorporate those things into our world and church.

I guess if I have to wait for it I will.  I don't want to settle and I am for certain God doesn't want me to either.

Boiled bunnies and Slashed tires

I'm not psycho....not even close to crazy.  I have my moments.  I will admit to throwing things.  Slamming things.  I have had the occasional hissy fit complete with screaming and yelling.  Those moments are few and far between.

 I'm more even-keeled. Understanding. Laid-back.  Chill.  Not a doormat yet  not a crazy psycho hose beast.  

Men say they can't stand crazy chicks. They would rather date cool chicks who don't act like serial killers.  I have had no less than five conversations with different men on this subject and they SWEAR up and down and sideways: that isn't what they want.

Freaking Liars!

At least two of those guys are dating chicks who make their lives hell.  They can't even think of talking, looking at  or breathing the air of another woman that isn't blood related.  One can't even be on Facebook.  They basically have lo-jacks on and if they are 30 seconds late somewhere the chick has full metal breakdown.

Here is your crazy psycho chick!

I had an in-depth conversation with one guy in Charleston.  He had been dating this chick for awhile and they had broken up.  He regaled me with tales of her craziness.  She just knew he was talking to other chicks when he wasn't with her.  She trashed his house.  She broke into his car.  She went through his phone.  She tried to have him arrested.  Guess what?  Two months after this conversation he proposed to her.  Fu-what?  I think they enjoy it.  I think they like being able to bitch about a crazy woman.

Maybe it's time to change up my game.

I am trying to imagine how I would behave. Text him 100 times a day?  Show up unannounced at his house...his job?  Just happen to show up wherever he is because you are basically stalking him? Throw fits, make demands, cry? 

Yeah I don't have time for that shit...

Now let me play Devil's advocate for a moment and just pretend that maybe guys like these chicks because they are more fun. more interesting, keep them on their toes.  Well, the toes part is spot on because with a crazy chick like that you are more likely to have to make a fast break in the middle of the night and possibly naked.

I call bullshit on this.  I am fun and interesting.  I can guarantee this.  I can give a list of several guys who can tell you how fun and awesome I am.  OK that didn't sound right.  But you get it.  I am fun, I have fun, I like spontaneous and cool and goofy and I sure as hell don't have to make your life a living hell to be with.

The next time a guy tells me he is looking for a cool chick who isn't crazy I think that will be my cue to smack the crap out of him, if he likes it....I run.