I'm pissed. I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago and I have only lost less than a pound. Granted I wasn't as fat as I thought I was but still. I didn't even want to do it but my friend coerced me into it because she needed the support. I know I need to lose weight. I know I need more exercise. I don't necessarily think I eat "bad". I don't scarf candy and ice cream and cookies on a daily basis. I try to stick to diet Coke and water mainly. I love fruits and vegetables and would rather eat whole wheat anything than eat white bread or pasta.
I need to get off my ass. I sit on it for about 8 hours a day. I can't wait for it to get warmer so I can get outside. I worked out this last week to no avail, but think part of the reason is that bitch Mother Nature sneaking up on me. I am bloated is all we will say.
What really "tans my hide" is the chick leading the meetings. She herself is a former fattie who now coaches people into eating healthier, taking off the weight, blah, blah, blah. She is a damn twig. It's really hard on the ol self-esteem to step on the scale, basically be told that nothing changed from the last week then sit there through a meeting with someone whose thighs look smaller than my arms tell me how to eat and lose weight. My attitude worsens. All I can do is look at her and think, there is no way she actually eats anymore. I think I would do better with a person who was a little on the heavier side cheering me on than twig girl sashaying around the room.
I am so tired of seeing skinny people in cute clothes knowing that even though I can wear the same clothes, they just don't look the same on me. I know there is that skinny girl in me who is dying to get out, dress hot and totally destroy every man in her path. (Sorry, off topic)
I am going to do it. This year. By the end of this year. Not just because I just got divorced. Not just because my 20 year high school reunion this year. And not even because some hateful person I know is losing weight and I refuse to let her be skinnier than me. I just have to do it. I am tired of looking like this. Period.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Confessions of a Bibliophile....
Wanna know a secret?? I love to read. Well, that isn't actually a secret. Most people who know me well know that about me. What you may not know if I have this affliction that causes me to read several books at one time. Right now I am only reading two, but a week ago it was four. Two on my Nook and two actual "real" books.
Legend has it I have been reading since about three and half. I don't think I was that gifted, I was probably closer to four, but I digress. I know that I was always in a reading group by myself in school and was about 1-2 books ahead of everyone else. I read books that I probably shouldn't have at an early age. I read Gone With The Wind when I was ten.
Even though I am only reading two books right now I have several books "waiting in the wings". Books from the library. Books borrowed from my sisters. Books I have gotten from garage sales. In the middle of all that I will pick up a book I have read about 4,000 times and read that again. I come by it honestly. My mom and dad are readers. My sisters are readers. In fact my youngest sister has some serious issues with books, I think she has about 500 books and half of them she hasn't read yet. I don't actually keep that many books. I just borrow from her or check them out from the library. The last books I actually bought to keep are the Twilight Series. You have to have those, it's a must.
My parents got me a Nook for Christmas. Great right? All the books you can read on one device. Yeah, I have about 40 books on there and only have read about 6. Plus it takes me all day to buy books because I want so many of them.
I do have my standards when it comes to reading though. I will NOT read any trashy stuff like Harlequin novels. I like to believe I am above that nonsense. I just cannot bring myself to pick up a book that has Fabio on the front cover. And the plot lines are all the same. Please, I have better fantasies in my head.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
I have a potty mouth. I will be the first to admit it. I wasn't always like this. Oh sure, I said Hell and Damn, maybe call someone a Bitch, but nothing really saucy or dirty. Other than your basic curse words, my parents never swore much. You would think the worst language would come from my dad. WRONG! My mother, all 5 feet of her could curse like a trucker if the occasion called for it.
Of course as I got older my friends cursed more, and got more creative with their language but I really didn't join in, just stayed on the fringe of their foul mouths.
When I was 19 I started waitressing and bar-tending and was seriously dipped into the foul mouth atmosphere. Alcohol brings out the worst in people and that is usually their language. It seemed like when I was working in that kind of environment it was assumed and accepted.
The funny thing about me is I can customize my swearing depending on who I am around. I have some very dear friends who would let no such words pass their lips. In this company I am an angel. I refrain from taking the Lord's name in vain. Yet in some company I am given to dropping the F bomb every other word. I need to stop.
My kids, especially my oldest has been calling me out lately. I don't swear all day long in front of them but I do let it fly sometimes. I know I shouldn't but they just push me over the edge. My three year old will say "Mom, don't say that word" or occasionally he will try the word out himself. The dog doesn't help either. My neighbors probably think I am crazy yelling "Damn it" and "F*&K" when I am outdoors and something doesn't work right.
Maybe tomorrow I will stop swearing.........Maybe.
Of course as I got older my friends cursed more, and got more creative with their language but I really didn't join in, just stayed on the fringe of their foul mouths.
When I was 19 I started waitressing and bar-tending and was seriously dipped into the foul mouth atmosphere. Alcohol brings out the worst in people and that is usually their language. It seemed like when I was working in that kind of environment it was assumed and accepted.
The funny thing about me is I can customize my swearing depending on who I am around. I have some very dear friends who would let no such words pass their lips. In this company I am an angel. I refrain from taking the Lord's name in vain. Yet in some company I am given to dropping the F bomb every other word. I need to stop.
My kids, especially my oldest has been calling me out lately. I don't swear all day long in front of them but I do let it fly sometimes. I know I shouldn't but they just push me over the edge. My three year old will say "Mom, don't say that word" or occasionally he will try the word out himself. The dog doesn't help either. My neighbors probably think I am crazy yelling "Damn it" and "F*&K" when I am outdoors and something doesn't work right.
Maybe tomorrow I will stop swearing.........Maybe.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wandering
I have a specific topic I want to blog about, but this week has been so unreal, it has sucked the life out of me and I cannot focus. My mind wanders and I can't get back on track, so I will just let it out all out.
People are just unreal. This last year I have really relied on friends. For emotional sustenance. For sounding boards. For help moving. I hate asking for help. I would much rather be the one doing and helping and it has taken all I can do to ask for help and talk to people.
When you are friends with someone for a really long time , you assume that you can talk about anything. It's reciprocated, they gripe, you gripe. They complain, you complain. This week I found out that people are not who I thought they are. I guess if you didn't want to hear about my problems, then you should stop me mid-conversation and say something. Tell me you would rather not discuss it. Instead, I was heard, then what I said was twisted into something ugly and shared with others. It's not even that it was told second hand, it's the fact that a person can look at you in the face, be sincere, then turn on you.
The real kicker here is that I confronted the person and they cannot even own up to it. I don't need these kinds of friends. I have real friends. True friends. People who honestly care about me no matter what. I am trying to let it go. I would have let it go if it weren't for the fact that these other people won't. I can though, and I will and if they can't that is their problem. I have a life and the fact they aren't included in it really doesn't matter to me.
My kids are driving me crazy. Right now my oldest refuses to sleep in his own room and the little one wants to sleep with me, he is crying right now, so tired yet refusing to fall asleep. I know it will work itself out, but the only time I get any sleep at all is when they are at their dads, and I hate myself for the fact I look forward to getting sleep when they are not here.
It hasn't been all bad, some things have happened this week that make me smile. I feel like some things are moving in a positive direction. I started Weight Watchers again this week. We weighed in for the first time today and I am not as fat as I thought I was. I just have to stick with it. Every year I say"by July I will have lost this many pounds, or by Christmas I will have lost that" And I haven't. I will this time.
This week is almost over and hopefully the drama of it as well. I have the weekend to myself and plan on using it wisely. Cleaning, reading, writing, church on Sunday and maybe a drive to clear my head.
People are just unreal. This last year I have really relied on friends. For emotional sustenance. For sounding boards. For help moving. I hate asking for help. I would much rather be the one doing and helping and it has taken all I can do to ask for help and talk to people.
When you are friends with someone for a really long time , you assume that you can talk about anything. It's reciprocated, they gripe, you gripe. They complain, you complain. This week I found out that people are not who I thought they are. I guess if you didn't want to hear about my problems, then you should stop me mid-conversation and say something. Tell me you would rather not discuss it. Instead, I was heard, then what I said was twisted into something ugly and shared with others. It's not even that it was told second hand, it's the fact that a person can look at you in the face, be sincere, then turn on you.
The real kicker here is that I confronted the person and they cannot even own up to it. I don't need these kinds of friends. I have real friends. True friends. People who honestly care about me no matter what. I am trying to let it go. I would have let it go if it weren't for the fact that these other people won't. I can though, and I will and if they can't that is their problem. I have a life and the fact they aren't included in it really doesn't matter to me.
My kids are driving me crazy. Right now my oldest refuses to sleep in his own room and the little one wants to sleep with me, he is crying right now, so tired yet refusing to fall asleep. I know it will work itself out, but the only time I get any sleep at all is when they are at their dads, and I hate myself for the fact I look forward to getting sleep when they are not here.
It hasn't been all bad, some things have happened this week that make me smile. I feel like some things are moving in a positive direction. I started Weight Watchers again this week. We weighed in for the first time today and I am not as fat as I thought I was. I just have to stick with it. Every year I say"by July I will have lost this many pounds, or by Christmas I will have lost that" And I haven't. I will this time.
This week is almost over and hopefully the drama of it as well. I have the weekend to myself and plan on using it wisely. Cleaning, reading, writing, church on Sunday and maybe a drive to clear my head.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Things I don't understand
People wearing their pajamas in public. To the store, mall, library, etc. It's pathetic. take some pride in yourself people! Put some clothes on!
Girls who constantly play with their hair. Inspecting it as though they are checking for nits. Get your hands off your hair. It's still there, it's still long, it didn't go anywhere.
IT Guys---never mind, that is a whole other blog in itself.
People with no manners. Please and Thank you are the easiest words to say in the English language. My three year old has better manners than most adults.
How some people have worked in corporate America forever and in this day and age and have no idea how to cut and paste or attach a document to an email.
People who don't read. At all. I don't buy the excuse that they don't have time. I am a single mother of two boys and I work full time and I read at least one book a week.
Why I can't win the Megamillions...seriously, why?
Perms and frosted hair. I thought those were outlawed in the 90's
Shows like American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor....I think those are watched by the people who don't read.
Why my insurance doesn't cover Lasik surgery. It would be cheaper for them in the long run than paying for contacts and glasses every year.
Why I can't seem to go to bed even though I am tired and have to get up in six hours.
Girls who constantly play with their hair. Inspecting it as though they are checking for nits. Get your hands off your hair. It's still there, it's still long, it didn't go anywhere.
IT Guys---never mind, that is a whole other blog in itself.
People with no manners. Please and Thank you are the easiest words to say in the English language. My three year old has better manners than most adults.
How some people have worked in corporate America forever and in this day and age and have no idea how to cut and paste or attach a document to an email.
People who don't read. At all. I don't buy the excuse that they don't have time. I am a single mother of two boys and I work full time and I read at least one book a week.
Why I can't win the Megamillions...seriously, why?
Perms and frosted hair. I thought those were outlawed in the 90's
Shows like American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor....I think those are watched by the people who don't read.
Why my insurance doesn't cover Lasik surgery. It would be cheaper for them in the long run than paying for contacts and glasses every year.
Why I can't seem to go to bed even though I am tired and have to get up in six hours.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Get a life
I need to get one. Really. I mean, I have a life. I have a house and a job, and two beautiful children and a family and friends who love me and are there for me. So what is my problem?
I need to figure out what to do with myself. When my kids aren't here I don't know what to do. When you have spent the last 10 years totally responsible for another living person, and then you don't' have to do that two days a week, it becomes weird.
I have hobbies. I read, I like to write, but when I get home I cannot get myself to do any of that. I think part of it is the weather. Right now it's so cold all you can do is huddle under a blanket indoors. But still, I have got to start doing something. I end up cleaning, and cleaning and doing laundry and then nothing the rest of the night.
I need to get out, hang out with people, find someone to have some fun with.
I refuse to become this person who is so wrapped up in their kids that I don't think of myself. Don't get me wrong, my kids are my life. They have 100% of my attention, but I don't want to find myself 15 years from now with kids grown and no life of my own.
I need to be like my friend Melissa who can just go to a city she has never been in and hang out at a bar and just talk to people. Or go sight-seeing by myself.
I need to become my own person again.
I need to figure out what to do with myself. When my kids aren't here I don't know what to do. When you have spent the last 10 years totally responsible for another living person, and then you don't' have to do that two days a week, it becomes weird.
I have hobbies. I read, I like to write, but when I get home I cannot get myself to do any of that. I think part of it is the weather. Right now it's so cold all you can do is huddle under a blanket indoors. But still, I have got to start doing something. I end up cleaning, and cleaning and doing laundry and then nothing the rest of the night.
I need to get out, hang out with people, find someone to have some fun with.
I refuse to become this person who is so wrapped up in their kids that I don't think of myself. Don't get me wrong, my kids are my life. They have 100% of my attention, but I don't want to find myself 15 years from now with kids grown and no life of my own.
I need to be like my friend Melissa who can just go to a city she has never been in and hang out at a bar and just talk to people. Or go sight-seeing by myself.
I need to become my own person again.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Broken, but still fixable...
Being that it's been nearly a year since I have been blogging I have thousands of things to write about. Every kind of topic. So many experiences that I have had over the past year. But as I sit here waiting for the words to come I keep having the same feeling...Blank.
This is the word that I have been feeling for awhile. Blank. Void of emotion in some way. I still laugh like crazy, especially with my kids. I am still a happy person. I am not depressed at all. I just feel like I have a void in my body somewhere that is keeping me from caring about anything besides my kids. I get lots of opinions. Lots. From people thinking I still love my ex to them saying that I am grieving about my divorce. No not really, I am at peace with that. It's done, over with and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in about 10 years.
I just feel like the part of me that can love someone besides my kids and my family is broken right now. I know some women cannot be alone, they have to run right out and find the next boyfriend, husband, baby-daddy, etc. I am not that person. My independence that I have always possessed has increased tenfold. I don't need a man to make my life complete, not right now anyway.
There are things I miss. Again, not my ex, but things about being with another person. The intimacy. The feeling of someone next to you in bed. The brush of someone else's lips on yours. Laying your head on someones shoulder and breathing them in. The thing is, I don't want to compromise myself to get those things. I want them to be real when I feel them again.
I need to learn to actually like myself again. When you get nothing but dirt thrown in your face for a long time, that is how you start to feel, like dirt. I need to feel like I am worth something again, and I need to do that myself. My family and friends can tell me I am wonderful, beautiful, worthy, etc., but unless I feel it myself, I can't believe it from them.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not "poor Heather". I just need to figure out how to feel again. Like a person, like a woman, like I am worthy of someone else's love.
This is the word that I have been feeling for awhile. Blank. Void of emotion in some way. I still laugh like crazy, especially with my kids. I am still a happy person. I am not depressed at all. I just feel like I have a void in my body somewhere that is keeping me from caring about anything besides my kids. I get lots of opinions. Lots. From people thinking I still love my ex to them saying that I am grieving about my divorce. No not really, I am at peace with that. It's done, over with and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in about 10 years.
I just feel like the part of me that can love someone besides my kids and my family is broken right now. I know some women cannot be alone, they have to run right out and find the next boyfriend, husband, baby-daddy, etc. I am not that person. My independence that I have always possessed has increased tenfold. I don't need a man to make my life complete, not right now anyway.
There are things I miss. Again, not my ex, but things about being with another person. The intimacy. The feeling of someone next to you in bed. The brush of someone else's lips on yours. Laying your head on someones shoulder and breathing them in. The thing is, I don't want to compromise myself to get those things. I want them to be real when I feel them again.
I need to learn to actually like myself again. When you get nothing but dirt thrown in your face for a long time, that is how you start to feel, like dirt. I need to feel like I am worth something again, and I need to do that myself. My family and friends can tell me I am wonderful, beautiful, worthy, etc., but unless I feel it myself, I can't believe it from them.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not "poor Heather". I just need to figure out how to feel again. Like a person, like a woman, like I am worthy of someone else's love.
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