Oh Fitzwilliam where are you?

Jane Austen has ruined men for me forever.  In creating Fitzwilliam Darcy she has forever jaded women for the last 200 years.  If you are female and have read Pride and Prejudice and have not fallen in love with him..... there is something reprehensibly wrong with you.

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you" 

I could not even imagine.  These days all you get if you are lucky a guy might tell you that you are hot, or they have been wanting to hook up with you OR send you a text at 2:30 in the morning... the booty call text.  How romantic.  I know men don't know how to communicate anymore but with the advent of technology it's gotten worse.  Communication has been dwindled down to three word texts and if you are super lucky they don't say something like "I want 2 C U"., because you know, nothing gets a Woman's juices flowing more than an abbreviated sext.  Let's face it.  The majority of men don't know how to talk to women.  Forget a letter, hell I'd settle for a sticky note.  Phone calls? Why? Why would you call someone to have a conversation when you can just text them.  Because no one can really tell what you mean when you text.. There is no inflection button.  Are you being serious, sarcastic, or just trying to hold me at bay? Who knows???  I refuse to have another relationship where the main form of communication is texting. It's lazy and just plain chickenshit.  If you can't tell me what you really feel either on the phone or in person then I guess I don't want to hear it.

And let's talk about the in person thing.  Every woman, YES every woman has dreamt of a day where a man she likes or is dating would storm over to her house, knock on her door and declare his feelings.  Believe me when I say this Men... you will get a hell of a better reaction saying it face to face than over a smartphone.  Besides, face to face is authentic.  It's really easy to text someone something that may not be 100% true but only true sadomasochists can tell a woman something like that face to face and be lying about it.

"You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.  And wish from this day forth never to be parted from you."

That my friend is a marriage proposal.  Straightforward. Honest. 

Don't get me wrong.  I don't expect any man to speak these actual words in Old English vernacular, it would just be refreshing to hear something better than some of the drivel I have received in the past.

With Mr. Darcy she created this character, this man whom you were alternately annoyed with and enamored with. He said what was on his mind.  He stood by his convictions.  Strong men who can articulate their feelings are a thing of the past.  I for one am not about to sit around and guess what a text really means or obsess about it. Been there, done that... t-shirt and all of the above.  I refuse to waste time or energy guessing if you really like me or not.  Just freaking say it.  Like a big boy.

Oh and quite a few of my friends want me to start reading Outlander but gaging on how frantic and crazy this Jaime character has made them I think I will stick with Fitzwilliam

Run Heather RUN

I have to run tomorrow.  I have to get up at 7:30 which is actually sleeping in compared to my summer races and get layered up and freeze my patootie off until I actually start running.  I paid money to do this.  My payoff? Beer and pancakes at the end.  Oh and running with my awesome cousin Amy who is also running the Chicago Marathon next weekend.  Seriously.. a whole marathon so what am I bitching about? 

I have sucked rocks at running this year.  I've done a handful of races and slacked with my weekly training.  My zeal for running is fading with no explanation.  I literally cannot make myself go out and do it most days.  I work out.  elliptical, cross-training, weights, biking,  but not running.  I got on the treadmill the other night at the gym and stood there for a full two minutes, hand hovering over the ON button before I jumped off.  What the? 

I think part of the problem is I no longer have anyone holding me accountable.  A few years ago we had this cool little group of us running weekly, doing race after race and now we have lost track, gotten busy and no one is pushing anyone. At this point I need a hot guy to show up at my door and pull me down the road to get me out of this house and run.

So tonight, for inspiration I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I  bought some new running clothes...revamped my playlist... looked at pictures of myself when I first started running and realized how I will never let myself be that fat again...danced around the house trying to get myself mentally geeked for freezing my ass of in the cold.  Beer and pancakes....beer and pancakes...beer and pancakes.   And this picture of Ryan Gosling....I will just pretend he is there waiting for me!

The only mistake I made was drinking a grande non-fat caramel macchiato at 7:30 tonight.

Hear me

Over the summer I  took a communications class. It's one of those required class, but I was excited to take it.  Yes I know, can you believe I was eagerly anticipating a class where I get to speak and am required to do so????  I pretty much volunteered to go first every time.  The people who put no effort into their speeches annoyed me.  I started to think.... maybe I could get paid to speak for a living!!!

Can you imagine?  I mean, yes technically my last job required me to speak to people all day and then I received a paycheck for doing so but I couldn't just say what I wanted!!!

I would love to just talk all day.... give a speech, tell people stories, dole out advice or help. 

The possibilities are endless...... so I came up with a short list:

Radio DJ(Double bonus, I can play my favorite music)
Therapist (Can you say Physician Heal thyself)
Motivational Speaker (Subjects would change based on crowd but I can light a fire under anyone's Ass)

The possibilities are endless. 

The funny part of this whole scenario?? I hate the sound of my own voice!
                            

Through the Looking Glass

I don't belong anywhere.  I don't feel rooted anywhere.  I have lived in this town for almost 20 years and I still call Battle Creek home. 

The problem with that is I don't belong there either. My family is there, I have lots of friends there, but again, I have been gone 20 years and as much as I would like to think otherwise, no one was devastated, no one couldn't bear life without me, and  no one died when I crossed the line out of Calhoun county and headed east.  I am sure I am missed but life went on.

It's an odd feeling and one I cannot really explain.  I just don't feel like anywhere is home.  I don't belong. 

I have a home.  I love my little home.  I just get this overwhelming feeling that this isn't where I am supposed to be.   

The best I can explain it is it's like I am on the periphery.  I have great friends up here, but the majority of them have lived here their whole lives and have known each other at least that long.  They know each other intimately, know the histories, the connections and as much as I am included and made to feel welcome, there is part of me that knows I will never truly blend in or belong.

No matter where I go; friends houses, school events, church, the same feeling comes over me.  It's like I missed a big party that everyone else went to and even though we are all friends or friendly, there is something that sets me apart.  They have all had an experience that I haven't had and I can never catch up.

I have this idea in my head.  I am going to drive into some town, some city one of these days and just know.  I am going to walk into a house, and I will be home.  I will feel it in bones, smell it, let it wash over me and then I can feel as though I can relax and belong.

Every day

It's October 1st.  How is it October 1st already?  I swear it was last week that the kids were out of school and now we are one month into the newest school year.  This time of year puts me into full on panic.  I love fall but that nasty season is right around the corner. The days are getting shorter and soon it will be dark at 5:00. Just thinking about it makes me want to hibernate until April. 

 Thanks to Jon Acuff, I now realize I have 25% of my year left. His article yesterday made me feel slightly better about the fact that I have done nothing this year.   Plenty of time to do things that I thought I would do.  Plenty of time to make things happen. Of course Jon didn't' take into consideration that Gilmore Girls just came out on Netflix today.

Let's see, I had plans this year..... nothing major just you know, lose more weight, run more races, read 50 books.  Yeah none of that has happened.  Ok, my weight isn't bad... except when I feel like a gigantic cow and I hate myself.   Races; yeah I did about oh 5, I have one this Sunday and I haven't run much in two weeks.  It's going to be ugly but there are pancakes and beer at the end so this race is going to happen.  So far I have only read 18 books.... unless I throw in the ones that I have read with Owen I may never make this goal. 

So I set one more goal... writing.  Spurred along by the creative writing class I am taking(taught by the most perfect gorgeous man ever) I decided to try and write every day.  

So that is what I am doing.  Writing, pontificating, pouring my heart out in words.  You may think it's boring, possibly pithy, but I think I have lots to say and I am nearly sure it will clear my head.

Seeking

This past Sunday in church we had a verse in our outline that has stuck with me all of this week.  It is a verse I have heard many times.  A verse that I understand and know but often fail to live fully, because after all, I am just a human. 

Matthew 6:31-33
So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I know that God will provide.  I know that God knows what I need. I have learned not to seek things I do not need(well, most things) be greedy or worry about having what others have, but that does not stop me from worrying and wanting.

Worrying about how I am going to make it through the next six months to get through with school when I thought I got more unemployment than I do.  I will figure it out, pray about it and I know that it will all come together because I know that in my heart this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.  Let's just say it's easy to know God is there when things are going great in your life but when things aren't you sometimes wonder if you are doing something wrong.

Wanting is a funny thing.  I have plenty of everything.  Plenty of clothes, plenty of books, plenty of music, plenty of friends.  Wanting for me is not so much the physical or tangible things but more of a spiritual or emotional thing.  I want to know that God knows what I need or hears my prayers, or is guiding me in the right direction.  

Confession:  I have never felt what some people feel when it comes to God.  Don't get me wrong, I am moved by God, sometimes daily by the circumstances of my life.  I can be found in tears most weeks at church, not because it's a bad service (really Phil) but because it resonates with something inside of me.  But, I have never been doing something, asking for something, praying for something and had that God calling where I knew exactly that he was telling me Yes or No.  It doesn't make my faith in Him waver, it just makes me wonder if it's me.  Am I not listening or doing something right? 

It's this tiny thought that makes me wonder that if I am not doing these things right, is that why other areas of my life aren't falling into place.  Like I am not seeing what is right in front of me to make things work.  It's not like it's punishment, like a parent withholding what a child wants until they behave in a certain way, but if I keep seeking the things I KNOW FOR A FACT God doesn't want me seeking then.......

Sometimes I think I would rather be hit by a bolt of lightning or hear God's booming voice down from the heavens then to wonder.

One last thing

Right now I am sitting in a noisy crowded café at college waiting for my next class to start.  Right now my family is 140 miles away laying my cousin to rest.  I couldn't be there and it breaks my heart.  My heart is breaking for many people right now.  My aunt and uncle... my cousins, especially Emily who was his twin.  But most of all my heart breaks for the sweet little boy he left behind... Bryan.

Adam took his own life.  Suicide,  killed himself, call it what you will but the outcome is still the same.  He isn't here anymore.  His parents can't hug him anymore.  His brothers can't roughhouse him and his sister can't hug him and look to him as her protector.  His little boy will never know the sweet nature he had. 

I was there the day he was born.  I was 19 and went to the hospital with my mom and grandma and various relatives. We stood there waiting for these two babies to be born.

It's surreal to me, the idea of suicide.  I know other people who have chosen this way to go.  I know people who have attempted it, and I don't care who you are but we have all had the idea or dark thought cross our minds in desperate times when we think life cannot get any worse....." Would this world be better off without me?". The answer is a clear and resounding NO! 

Everyone has their opinions about it... It's selfish, they weren't thinking right... they didn't mean it.  Some consider you damned to Hell no matter what. In some cultures it was a noble way to go.  Why wait for old age to consume you?   People are angry, confused, was it their fault? Could they have done something?  Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.   I know my aunt tried to help him but all the medical field did was throw drugs at the problem.  There was no outreach, no offer of treatment, and this makes me very angry.  

 I just saw him two weeks ago... hugged him, sat right next to him and talked about work and the possibility of him going to school.  We watched Bryan run around, fascinated by a puppy that was there. 

Now all that we have is his memory.  His sweet smile, his bear hugs, his quiet voice.  You can wish and want and beg and plead but nothing is going to bring him back, fill the gap, or make it better. His parents and siblings have to pick up the pieces, they have to explain to  his boy someday what happened. 

Now I ask of you..... reach out to people.  If you think for a minute someone you have come across is down so deep they can't see out, reach for them.  It's uncomfortable, you may think well someone will help them but sometimes they don't get help.  Don't stop until they do.  Make sure they get a way out.  If you read this and think, this is me.... please I beg you, ask for help, get help, do not be ashamed and do not think for one minute no one will care or miss you.

And finally, if you wish to donate to Adam's memory and Bryan's future please click the link below.  His family will need help burying him, and caring for Bryan.


Little Bryan in his suit

http://www.gofundme.com/drbllw