This past Sunday in church we had a verse in our outline that has stuck with me all of this week. It is a verse I have heard many times. A verse that I understand and know but often fail to live fully, because after all, I am just a human.
So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I know that God will provide. I know that God knows what I need. I have learned not to seek things I do not need(well, most things) be greedy or worry about having what others have, but that does not stop me from worrying and wanting.
Worrying about how I am going to make it through the next six months to get through with school when I thought I got more unemployment than I do. I will figure it out, pray about it and I know that it will all come together because I know that in my heart this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Let's just say it's easy to know God is there when things are going great in your life but when things aren't you sometimes wonder if you are doing something wrong.
Wanting is a funny thing. I have plenty of everything. Plenty of clothes, plenty of books, plenty of music, plenty of friends. Wanting for me is not so much the physical or tangible things but more of a spiritual or emotional thing. I want to know that God knows what I need or hears my prayers, or is guiding me in the right direction.
Confession: I have never felt what some people feel when it comes to God. Don't get me wrong, I am moved by God, sometimes daily by the circumstances of my life. I can be found in tears most weeks at church, not because it's a bad service (really Phil) but because it resonates with something inside of me. But, I have never been doing something, asking for something, praying for something and had that God calling where I knew exactly that he was telling me Yes or No. It doesn't make my faith in Him waver, it just makes me wonder if it's me. Am I not listening or doing something right?
It's this tiny thought that makes me wonder that if I am not doing these things right, is that why other areas of my life aren't falling into place. Like I am not seeing what is right in front of me to make things work. It's not like it's punishment, like a parent withholding what a child wants until they behave in a certain way, but if I keep seeking the things I KNOW FOR A FACT God doesn't want me seeking then.......
Sometimes I think I would rather be hit by a bolt of lightning or hear God's booming voice down from the heavens then to wonder.