Wednesday, September 3, 2014

One last thing

Right now I am sitting in a noisy crowded café at college waiting for my next class to start.  Right now my family is 140 miles away laying my cousin to rest.  I couldn't be there and it breaks my heart.  My heart is breaking for many people right now.  My aunt and uncle... my cousins, especially Emily who was his twin.  But most of all my heart breaks for the sweet little boy he left behind... Bryan.

Adam took his own life.  Suicide,  killed himself, call it what you will but the outcome is still the same.  He isn't here anymore.  His parents can't hug him anymore.  His brothers can't roughhouse him and his sister can't hug him and look to him as her protector.  His little boy will never know the sweet nature he had. 

I was there the day he was born.  I was 19 and went to the hospital with my mom and grandma and various relatives. We stood there waiting for these two babies to be born.

It's surreal to me, the idea of suicide.  I know other people who have chosen this way to go.  I know people who have attempted it, and I don't care who you are but we have all had the idea or dark thought cross our minds in desperate times when we think life cannot get any worse....." Would this world be better off without me?". The answer is a clear and resounding NO! 

Everyone has their opinions about it... It's selfish, they weren't thinking right... they didn't mean it.  Some consider you damned to Hell no matter what. In some cultures it was a noble way to go.  Why wait for old age to consume you?   People are angry, confused, was it their fault? Could they have done something?  Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.   I know my aunt tried to help him but all the medical field did was throw drugs at the problem.  There was no outreach, no offer of treatment, and this makes me very angry.  

 I just saw him two weeks ago... hugged him, sat right next to him and talked about work and the possibility of him going to school.  We watched Bryan run around, fascinated by a puppy that was there. 

Now all that we have is his memory.  His sweet smile, his bear hugs, his quiet voice.  You can wish and want and beg and plead but nothing is going to bring him back, fill the gap, or make it better. His parents and siblings have to pick up the pieces, they have to explain to  his boy someday what happened. 

Now I ask of you..... reach out to people.  If you think for a minute someone you have come across is down so deep they can't see out, reach for them.  It's uncomfortable, you may think well someone will help them but sometimes they don't get help.  Don't stop until they do.  Make sure they get a way out.  If you read this and think, this is me.... please I beg you, ask for help, get help, do not be ashamed and do not think for one minute no one will care or miss you.

And finally, if you wish to donate to Adam's memory and Bryan's future please click the link below.  His family will need help burying him, and caring for Bryan.

Little Bryan in his suit

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