The Song never ends

Let me tell you one thing, if I know you for very long, if you mean anything to me at all, you will eventually have a song (or songs) attached to you.  Certain songs belong to certain people and always will.  Song lyrics are a story and stories are words.  The words and music together, can make an incredible memory.  Happy, sad or indifferent.

Sometimes, the perfect song comes along.  Perfect for the situation, perfect for the person.  When I hear it, if its a good thing I listen to it over and over and over again.  If it's bad I can't dive for off button fast enough, and long after it's over the song can stop me dead in my tracks and make me remember.

Flashback 2011: 

Kenny Chesney can write a damn good song.  They are fun, they are sweet and this one, well this one was perfect

"You and Tequila make me crazy. Run like poison in my blood.  One more night could kill me baby."

I remember texting him and telling him I found the perfect song that describes us.  He agreed.  It was so good at that point.  I could not hear that song enough.  I immediately downloaded on my iPod and probably played it a thousand times.

"30 days and 30 nights, been putting up a real good fight, there were times I'd thought you'd win"

Except there was no fight.  I was completely helpless to fight.He always won.    The sound of my phone going off sent me scurrying and the hours spent on the phone joking, laughing and planning made me feel like I never had before.

"One is one too many, one more is never enough"

There was never enough.  Not enough time.  Not enough weekends.  Too much space between us.  I would have driven to the ends of the earth to see him and at that point I knew I was in trouble and I didn't care.  Drive two hours to spend eight and drive two back home? Sure why not.  We both made the drive any time we could.

"When it comes to you , all the damage I could do, it's always your favorite sins, that do you in."

Truer words were never spoken.  Although we had this agreement, that is was just a fun thing, I had somewhere around three months in forgotten about that and let myself ever so slightly believe differently.  My sins did me in.  Damage was done.  And hard.  When it was over I was devastated.  It was really no fault of his, I had broken the rules, the ones I set.  I just kept playing the good parts over and over in my head, trying to figure out if I had imagined it all, I know I hadn't.  Not the I Love Yous even though I always called him a liar when he said it.  Not the most tender way he kissed my neck or the way he held me until I fell asleep.

I won't lie.... I cried for days, I over-thought it.  I know I drove my girlfriends crazy.  I was pissed.  At myself for doing what I said I wouldn't and at him for being able to walk away so easy.  I hated this damn song.  I nearly ran off the road one day when it came on the radio.  I took it off my iPod.  I cursed Kenny Chesney for singing it.

Now, a year later, I can listen to it.  It makes me think of him, it's always going to.  I don't hate him, I've know him too long to hate him.  It made me stronger.  It made me realize what I should be looking for.  I don't regret it for a minute.  It was exactly what I needed at that time.

Precipice

prec·i·pice  

Noun

A very steep rock face or cliff, typically a tall one.

Synonyms abyss - cliff - chasm - gulf

 
Have you ever been almost happy?  Have you ever stood on the edge, looked over, dipped a toe in?
I'm happy.  Happy with life, happy for such beautiful kids, wonderful friends and incredible family. 

There's just one aspect of my life I'm unsure of.  Standing on this precipice, looking down, I can see partway,  but the rest is an inky swirl of fog. Part of me wants to jump over the edge.  The other part wants to inch down, be safe. hold back.  Hold back? Me?  I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no poker face, but if anything the last few years have taught me to be cautious.  What I stupidly thought  was safe and certain, got ripped away.  I'm not getting burned twice.

I went with a friend to a psychic last year.  It was on a whim and I really wasn't expecting much.  She told me lots of things.  A lot of them true, but one thing she said to me that I didn't even see was that my heart was completely closed.  That I had no room for anyone in my life and until I made room and opened myself back up that person wouldn't be able to get in.  She went as far as to tell me to go home and clean out some drawers and cupboards to make room. 

At the time I scoffed at the suggestion.  I was in somewhat of a relationship that I thought maybe?? Possibly could be going somewhere.  So I just kind of tossed her comment aside.  After that went sour, I still had a backup and until that went nowhere I began to think of what she said so many months prior.  As much as I wanted someone in my life was I putting up walls?  Some kind of invisible line I couldn't see?

So I did what she said.  As absurd as it seemed, I made space.  I cleaned out a drawer in my bathroom.  A shelf in my closet.  I made room.  I put myself out there.  And I prayed.  I prayed and prayed hard.  Not for a particular person.  But for the person that I am supposed to be with.  I made room. prayed to God and have started to open back up. I can almost see this happening. 

I won't lie....it's hard.  A lot of it is me.  Tired of being disappointed.  Tired of feeling like I might not be good enough.  Terrided that if I let myself be the teensiest bit happy....to look down the road it will all be over.  But I am trying. 

As I stand here, looking down this steep, scary drop I hop back and forth, one foot to the other.  I take a running start then dig my heels in.  I need to just jump, headfirst, screaming into the cool darkness and have the faith that person is waiting to catch me. 

Hungry Part 1

Have you ever been hungry?  Truly hungry? 
 I know I have said the words "I'm so hungry I could die" at least a few times in my life. But have you ever "gone hungry"?  I don't mean "I skipped lunch" or "I'm dieting" hungry.  I mean the pit of your stomach aches, you feel weak and your head hurts hungry. I haven't.  In my whole life even when I've had barely had any money, I have never missed a meal. 

  Over that last several weeks my church did a series called "Just"  and we talked about Justice in the world.  We talked about the slavery that still exists and Human trafficking. and we talked about hunger.  We talked about how 1/3 of the world eats well, 1/3 is hungry and how 1/3 is starving.

You knew this.  You have flipped past the Feed the Children commercials.  You have seen the Food Bank billboards in your town.  You have seen the lines of people at missions or churches waiting for handouts of food. I knew this too, but with a million other things on my mind and my own issues to deal with it's nothing but a fleeting thought in my mind.

Our pastor encouraged  us to participate in a Hunger Challenge.  For five days.  To eat as most of the rest of the world eats.  One cup of Oatmeal for breakfast. One cup of rice and beans for lunch.  The same for dinner. Tap water to drink.  That's it.  I thought about it for a couple weeks.  Wondered who else would do it.  Wondered if I had the strength, the willpower to complete it.  

The weekend before it started I was in Chicago and as I was eating Pizza and burgers and whatever else I pleased, it was weighing on my mind and my heart.  Did I really want to do this?  Could I?  I still had to make dinner for the boys.  I still had to smell all the food other people were eating at work.  I couldnt' just fly through Timmy Ho's and get a huge coffee. 

But I did it.  Thankfully, another girl in my department attends my church and she did it too.  It was wonderful to have someone to encourage and talk about it with. There were also other members of church that I kept up with.  We posted on Facebook and Instagram and we encouraged each other. We were tested in many ways last week but we made it to Friday.  A little lighter maybe, but no worse for wear.

I did learn some things though....

I eat way too much food.  even though I don't eat half as much as I used to, I don't need to eat as much as I think I do.

We waste too much food.  I think I lectured my boys about five different times about what they were eating, how much, and how much they really needed to eat and snack.  

I spent almost no money.  Other than gas in my car and the bills I had to pay, I spent nothing all week.  I never went into the grocery store.  The boys got whatever I had on hand for dinner and they were fine with that.  They went to their dad's for two days, so I could just prepare my own food

I have a ton of food in my house.  When you can't eat but have food at the ready, you open the fridge and cupboards a lot.  I kept thinking, I could eat this, and this, and this and that.  We are definitely eating out of our pantry more.

I'm pretty sure my stomach shrunk a little. I still can't eat a lot at one time,  This could be a good thing.

I can make a cup of rice and beans last about a half an hour. I am also pretty sure I didn't leave a single grain of rice on my plate.

I don't need to drink pop.  But I do still need coffee.

It was hard explaining what I was doing and why to some people.  Not just people who don't go to church, that would have been a no-brainer, but even some who attend other churches looked at me like I was crazy. No my church didn't make me do it, yes it was tied into Easter but that wasn't the only reason.  Yes, I know I can quit if I want to and God won't think any less of me.  Some of the things people said were astounding.

And finally, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  I had moments of weakness where I wanted to eat something.  I could have, but in doing that I would have given up what I was striving for.  It opened my eyes, not just to the hunger around me but within myself.  I prayed more.  I thought more. I took the opportunity to keep myself occupied and complete tasks.  I went to bed early.  I read my Bible more.   When I focused my mind on something other than how hungry I was, I was able to see some things that I needed to see, and when I say I was hungry it wasn't just physical hunger....

To be continued.....

On my soapbox

Where to start....I really don't want to offend anyone....but no matter how I say this I probably will so here goes.

In the last year, I have had two friends who have lost their children, three girlfriends who have lost their fathers and other friends with loved ones lost. 

I know, without doubt, that any of these people would give anything for just one more moment, one hug, one kiss, one word with them.  I have seen this grief up close.  Some of it was met with a sad acceptance, tears, and a gratefulness that the loved one is no longer suffering.  The other was met with utter disbelief, despair, denial and a woeful mother's cry that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I am under no illusion that we don't get mad at our loved ones.  Our kids drive us crazy.  Our siblings annoy us.  Some people's relationship with their parents is hanging on by a thread. The same tired family drama is perpetuated over and over for years.

What has been bothering me for some time now is the willingness to express our disgust, hatred, and frustration on Social Media, telling the world all of our problems and feelings.  Yes, I can admit being guilty of this to a point.  I have complained about my Ex a few times on Facebook. I have joked that my kids are going to be the death of me, but I hope that I have never outright complained about them.

How do you think this feels to someone who has lost a loved one?

When you complain how terrible your kids are?
When you say your dad is a jerk or your mom gets on  your last nerve?
When you say that you only have one "real" brother when you really have two and you are just being hateful?
When all you talk about is how everyone in your family mistreats you, gets on your nerves, bothers you.

I would hate for those people not to be in your life tomorrow.  Would you wail, cry and lament on Facebook about how they are gone and you miss them?  Would you want our sympathies for the people you were just complaining about?

The next time you want to bash someone in your family, please keep it off Facebook, Twitter and any Social media board in general.  You can never fully erase hateful words once they have been said or even read by others.

I have gotten off my soapbox now, putting it away until the next time.....  

My Daily Five

My little has been sick this week.  Really sick.  So sick he missed school all week.  I took Thursday and Friday off work and we hung out just the two of us and we had lots of time to talk...and talk, and talk and talk.  The child loves to talk (I have no clue where he got it from)  and one of our discussions was what they do in Kindergarten.  Now Kindergarten today and what is was in 1978 when I started school, are two completely different worlds.  I know I learned my alphabet.  Does anyone remember the Letter people?  Miss A and her Achoo?  I know I could write my name and I remember our stations with modeling clay and listening to stories on headphones.  Aside from the Graham Crackers and Milk and that my rug was Blue with two White Stripes, and that we walked to the park and caught two salamanders as our class pets, I don't remember learning much else.  Kindergarten today however....well to even walk in the door, they need to know how to write their names know their ABC's and a slew of other things.  One of the things they do is call the Daily 5.  Every day they divide up into their team colors and have five different stations.  Math, Writing, Drawing, Listening Skills and Journaling...yes Journaling.  O asked me if I had a Daily 5 in Kindergarten and I told him no, and he told me that was too bad. 

That got me to thinking and that little spark of OCD in my brain that my ADD hasn't killed off starting thinking of lists of five things. I could make lists all day.  I may not follow them or get them done but damn I am a fantastic list maker.  I was going to try and keep it at 5 lists of 5 but I am so good I made 6.

5 BOOKS I WOULD NEED IF STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND
this will never happen because I never go anywhere
1.  Summer Sisters by Judy Blume
2.  The Shell seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher
3.  Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin
4.  Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
5.  The Bible


5 SONGS MY CHILDREN WILL KNOW BEFORE THEY GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL
OK this list could go on forever since I love so much good music but here is a start
1.  All Beatles songs (with the exception of Sgt Peppers)
2.  Rocket Man/Tiny Dancer/ Benny and the Jets
3. Margaritaville/Come Monday
4.  Fire and Rain
5.  Don't stop believing

5 MOVIES I KNOW EVERY WORD TO
I could really annoy a person watching these movies and depending on who I watch it with I do it on purpose
1.  Heathers
2.  Clerks
3.  Singles
4.  Sixteen Candles
5. Grosse Point Blank

5 THINGS I AM TERRIBLE AT 
Another list that could be  miles long, but these are things that I will actually share
1.  Telling people how I really feel (well some people get this luxury)
2.  Cutting fabric straight even with a ruler
3.  Saying NO to McDonald's Coke
4.  Refraining from saying the "F" word about 1,000 times a day
5.  Singing in any form, except in church, with 300 other people there I am fantastic

5 MATERIAL POSSESSIONS I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT
I don't really need much, just these simple things
1. My iPod -this is self-explanatory, if I didn't have music to listen to I might go postal
2. My Nook/Books real or digital I have to read
3.  Lip Gloss- preferably Victoria's Secret Minty Lip Shine, I've heard it tastes good!
4.  Coffee- Again, without it you might get hurt
5.  Pen and Paper- look if these thoughts don't have somewhere to escape to....

5 SONGS I WANT TO DANCE TO IF I EVER GET MARRIED....AGAIN
Not really holding my breath on this one...but a girl can dream or hallucinate or what have you
1.  Wonderful Tonight- Eric Clapton
2.  Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
3.  Crazy Love- Van Morrison
4.  The only one- The Black Keys
5.  No one's gonna love you - Band of Horses

Thank you and goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Just another Thursday in Paradise

*Disclaimer:This post was written after consuming an entire bottle of Moscato, if you think I might insult or offend your tender sensibilities move on*
it's Thursday, and the fact that it's also Valentines Day has not been lost on me.  My little one had two parties today, one at school and one at daycare, so after securing two sets of Valentines cards and making two different snacks, I got him on his way to have a fun sugar-filled day.

That's when the real fun started. I spent this lovely February 14th listening to everyone around me and on facebook talk and post about how much they love this person and oh look what I got, as pictures of flowers, candy, balloons, what have you appeared. There is nothing more annoying or vomit-inducing to a single person than listening to a sickening lovefest going on all around you.  Seriously.  Not that I am bitter, cuz I'm not.  I LOVE love.  There are some people I know who are truly in love and I for one could not be happier. Jealous? maybe.  Annoyed? Ever so slightly? Bitter? Never.  I haven't had very many Valentines days where I have actually had a boyfriend/husband/whathaveyou make a big fuss and I am OK with that.  It's always amazed me the expense and drama that goes into one day.  Women expect gifts. Men fluster themselves trying to figure out what to buy (The teddy bear or the chocolate? Or both?)  It's kind of ridiculous actually. It's one day where people stress themselves out, spend money on things that are overpriced for that specific day and try and make another person happy with that particular token, because nothing else on any other day would possibly be good enough.


I thought I might have plans tonight,  you see  I have been seeing this really great guy for about three months. But life happens and alas here I am alone...on Valentines day drinking way too much wine, talking with girlfriends about whats wrong with men.  This guy, it's so far nothing serious, I guess,  just two people spending time together when we can, and let me tell you, I totally dig this guy. I'd like it to be more, but I haven't said anything.   Why you ask?  Because I am chicken shit.  Totally terrified the answer I want isn't the one I want. My friend told me last night that she can't believe i haven't spoken up yet because if I am one thing, it's outspoken what the hell is wrong with me?   I feel like total shit.   It's no one but myself making me feel this way.  And no amount of wine, texts from girlfriends or pep talks make me feel any different.  I don't even care that its stupid fucking  valentines day.  It's more about being with a specific person that I want to be with.  And my issue??? Well let me tell you, it's the super dark thought in the back of my brain, the one that was planted years and years ago that whispers to me 'you're not really good enough".  The person that planted it is long gone.  I divorced him, but the whispers of doubt that he instilled in me still swirl around so when I don't think things are going well, I immediately go to those thoughts.  Crazy I know but its a hard habit to break.

My friend Michele wrote an interesting note on FB today. She talked about how its' the everyday small things being more important than a big grand gesture on one day of the year.  I whole-heartedly agree.  I would rather have one person who thought of me 364 days of the year than one stupid Hallmark Holiday.  I would rather have a note on my pillow, in my car or a stupid random text than a card, flowers, balloons chocolates or a dinner that you had to wait two hours for.  i would rather have a book you bought me because you remembered it was my favorite author on a random Tuesday in July.  I would rather have you text me a song you think I like from  YouTube in the middle of the day.  I would so much rather have  a glass of wine waiting for me on a day that I came home after a hard day than any amount of gifts on one day in February.  I pick happiness on random days of the year over  any type of fuss on a day that you are supposed to buy me something pretty.    

And can I just say this: Stop telling me I will find the right guy someday.  I am so freaking sick of hearing that I could literally punch the people that say that. Stop telling me I am a great catch,  I know this, this is not new information to me.  I am awesome and any guy would be lucky to call me his girlfriend/wife.  I could totally rock someones world.  I know this so stop telling me. And quit looking at me with those stupid freaking sappy eyes like you just told me I have three damn months to live.

All I want a best friend.  One that will listen to me talk and talk and talk and just laugh at me.  One that lets me cry when I need to and someone to be stupid and  silly with.  One that likes to dance around the house and loves nothing more than lying on the couch and reading a good book on  a weekend. Someone who loves me for me and loves to be with me.  It sounds so easy....and maybe it is.

All I know is that in one hour this stupid day will be over.  And who knows, one year from now I may be of those insipid lovely dovey people grandstanding on FB about the love of my life, and if I am you have my permission to tell me to shut the F*Ck up!

There's this and this and that and this

Do you ever have those days where there is so much swirling around in your head, so much activity, so much caffeine coursing through your veins that you simply cannot pin a thought down????  Once in awhile?  Mine are pretty much every other but today more than most. Add a big dash of crazy emotion and you have me right now. Because if you know me at all, emotion is something I am Never without, good and bad


Let's start with the fact that if it doesnt' warm up soon and that sun doesn't start shining soon, I will not be held responsible for my actions.  There is only so much Vitamin D3 a girl can take, I am contemplating going to  the tanning salon, either that or asking my doctor for some Prozac.  I hate being cold, I hate being cooped up and I hate hate hate NO sunshine.  My nickname is Sunshine for crying out loud and I NEED SOME.

On the other end of the spectrum, I received a message from the husband of a very dear close bestest friend asking if I would like to spend a weekend in Chicago with her.......just us girls...... Hellz Yeah.....the man even offered to keep my children while we went.  If this doesn' scream Husband of the Year then nothing does.  I am so excited right now, I have never, ever , ever in my 39 years just gone to Chicago to spend the weekend, and that thought makes me sad because it truly screams how sad and pathetic my travels have been.

In between there, I have been talking to and thinking about a girlfriend who has been going through hell.  I look at  myself and my sad little life, and like to feel sorry for myself every once in awhile but I really dont' have much to complain about.  No I don't have any money but I have plenty of things.  I have two healthy children who drive me bat-shit crazy but I love them more than my own life and they are really great kids.  I was yelling at them last night then read the blog of my friend and thought "What a horrid wretched person I am, yelling at my children and her own dear daughter is gone from this world"  Her blog is a must read. Anyone who can get through half of  a post without crying  , is someone I don't even want to know.   You can read about what she has been going through here

Next week is my boy's first rock concert.  We are going to see Three Days Grace, Shinedown, and POD.  To say we are excited is an understatement.  I LOVE going to concerts and because he has his Mother's impeccable music taste, this is something we both can do and enjoy!!! I got seats because even I know 11 is a little too young for a mosh pit!

That Dodge Ram-Paul Harvey commercial during the Superbowl just about did me in.  I loved listening to him, it reminds me of being at grandparents and he would always be on the radio.  He is gone and so are they and I have been thinking lately about how much I miss them and would give anything for my boys to have known their Grandma Powell. Some days it's almost too much to bear to know that we will never have another Christmas or Thanksgiving at their house.

I have to say I am flattered and taken aback at the outpouring of love and kudos I have been getting from various friends. None of them know each other but for whatever reason, they have all decided to bombard me with texts, FB messages and posts to tell me how loved I am, how great I am, how great of a mother I am and on and on.  If ever I needed to hear that it's right now. I feel like I am stuck in purgatory.  Nothing about my life right now is for certain.  Not my job, not my love life, not my future and to hear people tell me they are thinking of me, hoping for me and basically cheering for me, makes me feel slightly more stable and less likely to come unglued.  this had led me to reach out to some people who haven't heard from me and tell them the same thing.

So if you get a text or email or phone call from me, and it makes your heart feel good, please pass it along...