*Disclaimer:This post was written after consuming an entire bottle of Moscato, if you think I might insult or offend your tender sensibilities move on*
it's Thursday, and the fact that it's also Valentines Day has not been lost on me. My little one had two parties today, one at school and one at daycare, so after securing two sets of Valentines cards and making two different snacks, I got him on his way to have a fun sugar-filled day.
That's when the real fun started. I spent this lovely February 14th listening to everyone around me and on facebook talk and post about how much they love this person and oh look what I got, as pictures of flowers, candy, balloons, what have you appeared. There is nothing more annoying or vomit-inducing to a single person than listening to a sickening lovefest going on all around you. Seriously. Not that I am bitter, cuz I'm not. I LOVE love. There are some people I know who are truly in love and I for one could not be happier. Jealous? maybe. Annoyed? Ever so slightly? Bitter? Never. I haven't had very many Valentines days where I have actually had a boyfriend/husband/whathaveyou make a big fuss and I am OK with that. It's always amazed me the expense and drama that goes into one day. Women expect gifts. Men fluster themselves trying to figure out what to buy (The teddy bear or the chocolate? Or both?) It's kind of ridiculous actually. It's one day where people stress themselves out, spend money on things that are overpriced for that specific day and try and make another person happy with that particular token, because nothing else on any other day would possibly be good enough.
I thought I might have plans tonight, you see I have been seeing this really great guy for about three months. But life happens and alas here I am alone...on Valentines day drinking way too much wine, talking with girlfriends about whats wrong with men. This guy, it's so far nothing serious, I guess, just two people spending time together when we can, and let me tell you, I totally dig this guy. I'd like it to be more, but I haven't said anything. Why you ask? Because I am chicken shit. Totally terrified the answer I want isn't the one I want. My friend told me last night that she can't believe i haven't spoken up yet because if I am one thing, it's outspoken what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like total shit. It's no one but myself making me feel this way. And no amount of wine, texts from girlfriends or pep talks make me feel any different. I don't even care that its stupid fucking valentines day. It's more about being with a specific person that I want to be with. And my issue??? Well let me tell you, it's the super dark thought in the back of my brain, the one that was planted years and years ago that whispers to me 'you're not really good enough". The person that planted it is long gone. I divorced him, but the whispers of doubt that he instilled in me still swirl around so when I don't think things are going well, I immediately go to those thoughts. Crazy I know but its a hard habit to break.
My friend Michele wrote an interesting note on FB
today. She talked about how its' the everyday small things being more
important than a big grand gesture on one day of the year. I whole-heartedly
agree. I would rather have one person who thought of me 364 days of
the year than one stupid Hallmark Holiday. I would rather have a note
on my pillow, in my car or a stupid random text than a card, flowers,
balloons chocolates or a dinner that you had to wait two hours for. i
would rather have a book you bought me because you remembered it was my
favorite author on a random Tuesday in July. I would rather have you
text me a song you think I like from YouTube in the middle of the day.
I would so much rather have a glass of wine waiting for me on a day
that I came home after a hard day than any amount of gifts on one day in
February. I pick happiness on random days of the year over any type
of fuss on a day that you are supposed to buy me something pretty.
And can I just say this: Stop telling me I will find the right guy someday. I am so freaking sick of hearing that I could literally punch the people that say that. Stop telling me I am a great catch, I know this, this is not new information to me. I am awesome and any guy would be lucky to call me his girlfriend/wife. I could totally rock someones world. I know this so stop telling me. And quit looking at me with those stupid freaking sappy eyes like you just told me I have three damn months to live.
All I want a best friend. One that will listen to me talk and talk and talk and just laugh at me. One that lets me cry when I need to and someone to be stupid and silly with. One that likes to dance around the house and loves nothing more than lying on the couch and reading a good book on a weekend. Someone who loves me for me and loves to be with me. It sounds so easy....and maybe it is.
All I know is that in one hour this stupid day will be over. And who knows, one year from now I may be of those insipid lovely dovey people grandstanding on FB about the love of my life, and if I am you have my permission to tell me to shut the F*Ck up!