Because I think too much, (see two posts below) I was thinking of what truly makes me happy. I have been writing more to try and clear my head, so this is my unofficial list:
Sunshine * Evan and Owen * Seeing Friends* My Family * Happy people * Music* Talking* Dancing* Seeing the numbers drop on the scale * Smaller clothes * Coffee * Books * Driving with the window down * Telling Funny stories * being with people who love me * Going barefoot * Writing * Hearing good news about others * holding babies * the physical closeness of another person * Good grades from Evan * finding something I lost * Old Family pictures * Dogs * Listening to Owen tell a story * Making something with my own hands * Simplicity *
After I made this list I can see that there aren't many tangible things listed. Material things do not make me truly happy. I have always said I would rather live in a cardboard box and be truly happy than have everything in the world. The things that truly make me happy are not things at all but people and moments in life.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
The power of overthinking
It's my own fault and I do it to myself every time. I think. And then I think some more, and somewhere along the line of my overthink my wild imagination takes over and I am in a panic. I have, in my mind a situation that is so out of control, so unfathomable that I am sure it's the truth. I have made a mistake. I totally Fu*&ed up, no fixing it now. And for days, it's all I can think about, over and over in my head, telling myself how stupid and worthless I am because of one stupid thing.
I can usually talk myself off the ledge, or I call my girls Rebecca and Tara and have them talk me down. And then I am fine. For days. And then it only takes one little thing to send me back into my tailspin.
I really need to learn to stop thinking. Someone suggested mediation but that would mean I would have to stop thinking and pretty sure that is impossible. I tried it once and just ended up thinking about all the things I could have been doing while I sat there trying to think about nothing. Unless I am sleeping (and then I have vivid dreams) my mind is going non-stop. What I am doing, what I need to do, what I would like to do, who I would like to see, where I would like to be, etc, etc, etc.
This is the the only time I wish I was more like a guy, because as we know, they never think about anything.....
I can usually talk myself off the ledge, or I call my girls Rebecca and Tara and have them talk me down. And then I am fine. For days. And then it only takes one little thing to send me back into my tailspin.
I really need to learn to stop thinking. Someone suggested mediation but that would mean I would have to stop thinking and pretty sure that is impossible. I tried it once and just ended up thinking about all the things I could have been doing while I sat there trying to think about nothing. Unless I am sleeping (and then I have vivid dreams) my mind is going non-stop. What I am doing, what I need to do, what I would like to do, who I would like to see, where I would like to be, etc, etc, etc.
This is the the only time I wish I was more like a guy, because as we know, they never think about anything.....
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Happily ever after is so five minutes ago....
Seriously girls, there is no such thing as Prince Charming. If you believe that then you probably also believe that you have a unicorn in your back yard. Guess what? There is also no such thing as happily ever after. I don't say this because I don't believe in love, or marriage. I do believe in those things. I just don't buy into the whole Disney version of happily ever after. I am not sitting around singing "someday my prince will come". I don't think Prince Charming is coming to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to eternal happiness and neither should you.
I get annoyed at the women who think that eventually Prince Charming is just going to show up. At their doorstep. With their freakin shoe. It's not going to happen. I don't care how many Disney movies or romantic movies you have watched. The guy is not going to show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night declaring his everlasting love for you. If he does, he is probably a crazy stalker, because it's the middle of the night!
I don't understand women who think they will only be happy with a man. Ladies if you can't be happy by yourself, then you won't be happy with a man. Prince Charming is not going to complete your life. You are going to do that by becoming a complete person. A man is not going to suddenly make your life perfect.
Contrary to what you think after reading that first paragraph, I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I am sure I will meet someone that I want to spend a long time (possibly forever) with.
I believe that two people meet, like each other, get along, be friends, have fun together, be there for each other, be lovers, be each others everything, drive each other crazy and manage not to kill each other. If this is someone you marry, fantastic. If this is someone you know and are with for a long time, great. If it's someone you meet and have a short relationship with, so be it.
Right now, I am living my life, and the more I live it and look at the people around me, the more I believe that a very small percentage of married people are truly happy and will last a long time. I know people who have good marriages, strong marriages that can withstand the turbulence and tragedy that some cannot. These people bring out the best and sometimes the worst in each other and work together to make their marriages/relationships strong. They are a team who together can get through anything. The problem becomes when only one person tries and the other person lets them do all the work. Too many people give up, I gave up but I tried for a very long time.
Love and true relationships are give and take, equal parts of good and bad, and if you are thinking that Prince Charming is going to make you exquisitely happy all on his own, then you better go hop on that unicorn and ride away.
I get annoyed at the women who think that eventually Prince Charming is just going to show up. At their doorstep. With their freakin shoe. It's not going to happen. I don't care how many Disney movies or romantic movies you have watched. The guy is not going to show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night declaring his everlasting love for you. If he does, he is probably a crazy stalker, because it's the middle of the night!
I don't understand women who think they will only be happy with a man. Ladies if you can't be happy by yourself, then you won't be happy with a man. Prince Charming is not going to complete your life. You are going to do that by becoming a complete person. A man is not going to suddenly make your life perfect.
I believe that two people meet, like each other, get along, be friends, have fun together, be there for each other, be lovers, be each others everything, drive each other crazy and manage not to kill each other. If this is someone you marry, fantastic. If this is someone you know and are with for a long time, great. If it's someone you meet and have a short relationship with, so be it.
Right now, I am living my life, and the more I live it and look at the people around me, the more I believe that a very small percentage of married people are truly happy and will last a long time. I know people who have good marriages, strong marriages that can withstand the turbulence and tragedy that some cannot. These people bring out the best and sometimes the worst in each other and work together to make their marriages/relationships strong. They are a team who together can get through anything. The problem becomes when only one person tries and the other person lets them do all the work. Too many people give up, I gave up but I tried for a very long time.
Love and true relationships are give and take, equal parts of good and bad, and if you are thinking that Prince Charming is going to make you exquisitely happy all on his own, then you better go hop on that unicorn and ride away.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Overstimulated
Seriously, where did all of this technology come from. Four years ago I was just a girl with an email address. Then came Myspace. Signed up, looked around, prettied up my page with music and pictures and a cute background. Then someone says "join Facebook", so I do and at first I wasn't that impressed, but soon became entranced with the cooler, hipper older brother of Myspace. A couple of years go by and now we have SmartPhones. My first one wasn't much, I could get online but not much else.
Then last year I got a phone like all the other cool kids. Now there is texting (which I will admit I thought was stupid) and Words with Friends, and yes, even Twitter (again, great big hypocrite right here, go back far enough and you will read a post about the evils of Twitter) .
Now, Now Now they bring out Pinterest. Serious crack cocaine for grown women. How am I supposed to work during the day? I have Facebook to update and peruse, Tweets awaiting my attention, WWF people getting angry because it's my turn, Texts, Im's and emails.
I know I need to just put my phone down and not look at it, not log on to Pinterest and just focus, but alas I cannot, I am worse than a crack addict and I have no problem admitting that.
I do have my limits, I won't look at my phone when driving (usually), when checking out at the store (rude) or when in the bathroom.
I got lectured by my father the other day. I was in his office watching a basketball game with him and texting a friend at the same time. He had my attention, we were talking and watching the game but he still lectured me to put my damn phone down. I may as well have been 15 again.
Is there a 12 step program for SmartPhones??? And does anyone really use MySpace anymore???
Then last year I got a phone like all the other cool kids. Now there is texting (which I will admit I thought was stupid) and Words with Friends, and yes, even Twitter (again, great big hypocrite right here, go back far enough and you will read a post about the evils of Twitter) .
Now, Now Now they bring out Pinterest. Serious crack cocaine for grown women. How am I supposed to work during the day? I have Facebook to update and peruse, Tweets awaiting my attention, WWF people getting angry because it's my turn, Texts, Im's and emails.
I know I need to just put my phone down and not look at it, not log on to Pinterest and just focus, but alas I cannot, I am worse than a crack addict and I have no problem admitting that.
I do have my limits, I won't look at my phone when driving (usually), when checking out at the store (rude) or when in the bathroom.
I got lectured by my father the other day. I was in his office watching a basketball game with him and texting a friend at the same time. He had my attention, we were talking and watching the game but he still lectured me to put my damn phone down. I may as well have been 15 again.
Is there a 12 step program for SmartPhones??? And does anyone really use MySpace anymore???
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
This is what I wanna do
So it's January 31st. A little late for so-called resolutions. Not too late for goals. I have eleven more months to do something with 2012. I feel like I let 2011 down. Sure I did some fun stuff, I worked hard on some things, but I don't feel like I did enough. I have been home for about 5 days with a sick kid so I have had PLENTY of time to think, which is one thing I shouldn't have. My mind is dangerous when it's idle and has too much time, and I end up worrying and making myself sick. So this is what I have come up with so far:
1. Run a half-marathon: I say run jokingly, run/walk is more like it. I did the 10 mile Crim last year so what's and extra few miles right? Also I am bumping up my races, no more wimpy 5k's, when possible I am doing the 10K's. I also need to work on my mental block when it comes to running, my body can do it longer than my mind let's me and I need to break that.
2. Get stupid skinny: OK, let me clarify, I am not on a goal to be a stick, I have never been tiny, I have hips and a booty and always will but I have been fat for so long I want to get as low as I possibly can. And I am not doing anything unhealthy or dangerous, I eat OK. Just lots of more exercise and cutting out crap, which would be fine if I could stop going to McDonald's for Coke. I want my tight body back that I had in high school.
3. Go on a date: Seriously, I have been divorced over a year, separated for two, Not one freakin date. I am beginning to feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, like a disease. I don't really want a boyfriend but can a girl get taken out to dinner or something?????
4. Go on a trip by myself: I have always had this fantasy of getting in my car and just driving, windows down, music blaring, hot sun beating down. Stopping in different places and just basically going no particular place. Stopping when I want, sleeping when I want, eating when I want.
5. Take my oldest to a cool concert: I am so glad my children like the same music I do. My oldest is as addicted to his Ipod as I am to mine. It's hard to explain the feeling I have for music. It's on constantly in the house and the car. I have introduced them to the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel and the Beastie Boys all with raging success. I don't care how far we have to drive, I am taking him to something cool this summer. We are hoping and praying that The Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons come within a three state distance to us!
I have a million other things to do this year, projects to finish, places to go, books to read, movies to watch, people to entertain, but these are my top five. This will probably keep me busy enough so I don't have too much time to thing about what I really want.....
1. Run a half-marathon: I say run jokingly, run/walk is more like it. I did the 10 mile Crim last year so what's and extra few miles right? Also I am bumping up my races, no more wimpy 5k's, when possible I am doing the 10K's. I also need to work on my mental block when it comes to running, my body can do it longer than my mind let's me and I need to break that.
2. Get stupid skinny: OK, let me clarify, I am not on a goal to be a stick, I have never been tiny, I have hips and a booty and always will but I have been fat for so long I want to get as low as I possibly can. And I am not doing anything unhealthy or dangerous, I eat OK. Just lots of more exercise and cutting out crap, which would be fine if I could stop going to McDonald's for Coke. I want my tight body back that I had in high school.
3. Go on a date: Seriously, I have been divorced over a year, separated for two, Not one freakin date. I am beginning to feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, like a disease. I don't really want a boyfriend but can a girl get taken out to dinner or something?????
5. Take my oldest to a cool concert: I am so glad my children like the same music I do. My oldest is as addicted to his Ipod as I am to mine. It's hard to explain the feeling I have for music. It's on constantly in the house and the car. I have introduced them to the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel and the Beastie Boys all with raging success. I don't care how far we have to drive, I am taking him to something cool this summer. We are hoping and praying that The Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons come within a three state distance to us!
I have a million other things to do this year, projects to finish, places to go, books to read, movies to watch, people to entertain, but these are my top five. This will probably keep me busy enough so I don't have too much time to thing about what I really want.....
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What a difference a year makes!
I 'm not exactly sure what happened except that I woke up one day about a year ago and thought "when did I let myself get this fat?" Between two kids and the stress of a marriage gone bad, I had just stopped trying. My divorce was final one year ago today and I realized that I had gotten myself back part of the way, but needed to come back full circle.
I started Weight Watchers last February against my will with my friend Jen. I wanted to lose weight but hated the idea of keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth. The first go round I only lost 9 pounds. But I had also added Zumba to the mix and that was helping. The next 13 weeks I lost about 15 more pounds and started running. Running is something I never thought I would do. I have these acid flashbacks of high school basketball practice and a sadistic basketball coach who thought nothing of having us run a mile before and after practice in addition to the running during. With the help of some great people, some who I met during Zumba or running races I am only 20 pounds away from goal.
I want this bad. I feel like the Heather I used to be a long time ago. Not just because I am thinner, but because I feel like a person again. I truly hated myself and when I look at pictures from the last 10 years I want to burn them. Losing weight isn't just physical, it's mental because unless you have ever been "fat" you have no idea what it is to look at yourself in the mirror and despise what you see.
I will do this........
I started Weight Watchers last February against my will with my friend Jen. I wanted to lose weight but hated the idea of keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth. The first go round I only lost 9 pounds. But I had also added Zumba to the mix and that was helping. The next 13 weeks I lost about 15 more pounds and started running. Running is something I never thought I would do. I have these acid flashbacks of high school basketball practice and a sadistic basketball coach who thought nothing of having us run a mile before and after practice in addition to the running during. With the help of some great people, some who I met during Zumba or running races I am only 20 pounds away from goal.
I want this bad. I feel like the Heather I used to be a long time ago. Not just because I am thinner, but because I feel like a person again. I truly hated myself and when I look at pictures from the last 10 years I want to burn them. Losing weight isn't just physical, it's mental because unless you have ever been "fat" you have no idea what it is to look at yourself in the mirror and despise what you see.
I will do this........
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