The Mother Load

Hey mamas! I hope you all had a wonderful day! Whether you are a brand new mama or all of your babies are grown I truly hope that you felt the love today.  I did.  Nothing special happened other than we all went to church, the boys kept their bickering to a minimum and mostly did what I asked them to do the first time.  That is enough for me.  I got homemade classroom art and hand picked flowers, Coldstone Creamery and coffee for Mother's Day.  The only thing that would have made it perfect is if I could have been with my own mama.  I saw her last weekend, so I will take what I can get.

How are you feeling about your mothering lately? I am in one of the phases that run between everything is awesome, to me wandering the house muttering to myself.  I really cannot complain because the latter has not been too prevalent as of late. 

Maybe you have had a day like I had Saturday.  In my head the day was going to be great.  I was up early, getting things done and we were going to work in the yard and go to the Farmer's Market and have fun and just a great day.

Here is what actually happened: Kid A spent the night with a friend and came home on three hours of sleep and promptly went back to bed.  OK, fine, I mowed and cleaned and Kid B played with a neighbor boy.  I finally got Kid A out of bed and showered and we headed to the farmers market.  It was crowded and Kid B was being a goofball which immediately annoys his brother who starts pushing him and being a jerk.  All I wanted to do was look around and get a few things and they turned it into a miserable event.  By the time we left and hit the parking lot, I lost my shit.  Completely.  If it was OK to punch your 14 year old son in the face I would have.  I love that kid but there are days I want to knock him out.  The little one would not stop pushing it either so I swatted him and put him in the car crying and hollering.  Good ol' family fun.

Why do our kids do the things they do?  What would possess them to drive us bonkers, push our limits, make us crazy? I know they know we are there.  We tell them.  We warn them, yet they push ahead full well knowing it won't end well for them.

Here is another example of  kids doing things we can't explain or understand.  The other night I took the boys to get their hair cut.  That evening Kid B asked to take a shower instead of a bath. Sure, OK.  He is nearly 8 so I got the water ready and in he got.  I walked past the bathroom every few minutes asking if there was in fact body scrubbing and hair washing happening.  I was assured these things were happening.  When he was done I gave him a towel and he looked at me and said "Mom, I cut my thumb."  Now there is only one way he could have cut his thumb in the shower.  My razor. The razor that is up high.  Where the stuff only mom uses resides.  He cut it pretty bad too.  I got him out bandaged and clothed and it was bedtime.  It wasn't until the next morning I saw the result of the great razor debacle. A three inch chunk of hair.  Why...why...why in the blue blazes would be he take a razor to his head?

He doesn't know why........ Now we get to try and style his hair in a way that it doesn't show until his hair grows back.

So mama's....your kids do things that make you want to cry, scream, question, and go crazy.  They will do things that make you question yours and their sanity.  Just remember the times they make your heart melt and make you proud and I pray it all evens out!

Help me, Help you , Help me

I love helping people.  It's in my nature and it's who I am.  I believe that a good part of it comes from my famly and how I was raised.  My parents helped people all the time.  Not a grand gesture or large monetary gift, but small things that they may not even remember or think was out of the ordinary, but we saw it and learned that the greatest joy in life is to help other people.

Need a ride somewhere? Call me.  Hungry? Come over and I will feed you? Sad? Upset? Call me or let's get together and talk.  I would probably give someone my last $5 if they needed it more than I did and not think twice about it.

I want to help people for a living.  I am in school to do just that.  I am involved in organizations that help people.  And when I say help people I mean all people in all circumstances. It doesn't matter the situation.  I want to help women who are in abusive relationships, children who are at-risk, the homeless, those who cannot help themselves.  My problem is I want to do it all because everyone deserves the same love and same chances and same resources.

But ask for help for myself?  Ha Ha you silly fool. Never. I hate asking for help.  I am an independent, strong, able-bodied woman who can do things for herself.  I will figure it out.

That works only so long before shit breaks down and you are sitting on your floor bawling your eyes out because you don't know what to do.  NEWSFLASH: You can't do it alone.

It has taken me years to get to the point where I will accept help or even ask for it when I need it. A turning point for me was when I heard Brene Brown for the first time.  To hear someone take the feelings you have, the ones you keep buried deep down, the ones that never see the light of day can rip you open so fast and wide you don't know what hit you.  To hear someone vocalize your exact thoughts or reasoning and then make sense of them....it's unnerving.  It's also enlightening.

The way she explains helping and being afraid to ask for it has made me rethink my own mentality on the subject.  I have slowly come around to accepting the fact that asking for help does not in fact, make me weak, pathetic or sad.  Vulnerable, yes.  Vulnerability is not a bad thing to me anymore.

I have started asking for and accepting help because if I won't take it, then how can I save the world?

Matchmaker Matchmaker, make me a match

OK, I admit it.  I am back on Match.  I'm not really sure why. Curiosity to see if there truly is someone worthwhile since I am not finding that person on my own.  Not that I am looking.  But seriously...the pond in these parts is D-R-Y. After my last few dates I am convinced there is not a decent guy to date in this county.   It's kind of a sociological experiment as well. Trying to see if being blunt and honest and forthright are still attractive qualities besides physical attraction.   I think I may be the only woman out there who isn't portraying herself as "just a nice girl looking for her Prince Charming" Gag.  So not me.  

So one night I was at my best friends house having a couple (several) drinks complaining about that very thing when she lovingly suggested I quit bitching and try Match again. Meh.  OK fine, the last long term relationship I had came from there but I didn't have my hopes up.  I had my laptop with me so we fired it up.  I reworked my profile and added new pictures and that was it.  I kind of forgot about it.  Then messages and winks and likes started pouring in.  So I got curious and started browsing myself.   It truly is a mixed bag.  There are some decent sounding guys and I have had a couple dates and talked to some guys, BUT I am just not feeling it, or getting excited about anyone.  Don't get me wrong, there are some good looking men out there that sound interesting but guess what? They live like an HOUR AWAY.  Le sigh...... my car can't hold up to another long-distance relationship.

It's been an amusing adventure as well.  Here is the thing.  You are trying to sell yourself out there basically.  You want to make yourself look as appealing and interesting as possible in the hopes you get the match you are hoping for.  Some men do a very good job.  Some.....do not.  I don't think they get it.  If I could give men (and some women) some advice, it would be this:

• Put some decent pictures out there. Please. Chances are if you are shelling money out on a monthly basis for this service you have a smartphone and even if you don't have any friends, ask a stranger on the street to take your picture.  Stop taking pictures of yourself in the mirror looking down at the camera.  Don't lay in bed and take a picture. Ew.  Don't put 10 year old pictures out there.  Smile, this shouldn't look like a mug shot.  Don't put a picture of you and your ex out there and just black out her face, and for the love of God and everything Holy, Please please please, PUT A SHIRT ON!  I am sure you are proud of your physique but I don't wan to see that.  The first time I see you with a shirt off should be far, far down the road unless we are swimming or at the beach and I promise you my friend, that will not be a first date.
• Be intelligent.  If you are sending messages, be witty, be pithy and charming. Stop sending messages that say "UR hot. RU single." Seriously. I have gotten about four of these.  Yes I know I'm hot and hmmm, the chance that I am single is probably pretty high since I am on this site.  
• Be original.  We live in Michigan. Chances are if you are between the ages of  5 and 90 you enjoy the outdoors and fishing and bonfires and blah blah blah. We all do.  Talk about yourself. What are you looking for in a person? What are you passionate about. What do you believe in?  If you can't eke out more than three sentences to describe yourself.....boring....pass. If I read one more profile that says "work hard, play harder" or "looking for my partner in crime" I might just switch to the other team.
• Be honest.  Give your correct height. If you are 5'8" then say so.  If you don't want to be with someone with young kids, then don't message me.  If you are just looking for a good time just say so and I will pass.  I can respect the men more that just put it out there in their profile that they are just looking to have fun, I know what they mean and can weed them out. Read the profiles of the women you are looking at. If she doesn't sound like someone you would like to spend time with but is attractive, I can assure you, you will just be paying for a meal and never see her again. 
• Read the profiles.  I know I just said this but seriously.  They ask you a million questions for a reason. I am not interested in someone my dad's age.  I am not interested in someone who doesn't ever read or get outside, or exercise or interested in being around someone else's kids.  If we have no common interests then move on. Not to sound bitchy but I am picky and I know what I want.  To quote Cher from Clueless "You see how picky I am about shoes and I only put those on my feet."       

So basically, my adventure on this roller coaster is almost done and then I will just hope I can meet a smart, charming, decent guy the old-fashioned way. Whatever, Maybe I can turn this into a research paper and get some extra credit in Sociology class.

And don't even get me started about punctuation.......

Reason not to date me

I have been doing this dating thing for about four years. Sometimes with smashing success and others with abysmal failure.

My friend who is recently divorced put on her FB the other night "what exactly do you men want, why are you so confusing"  I immediately jumped all over that one.  Simple and straightforward: Men don't know what they want.  For centuries it has always been assumed women are the hesitant, dithering ones.  Well I am here to tell you, it's men.  Now that technology can connect millions of people in seconds and you have a wider variety of people to choose from, it's like game on.  Meet a cute girl? Great, one will come along in about a day that is even cuter, let's try and get with her.

I am not just speaking from personal experience, I have seen it firsthand.  And before any of you boys get your knickers in a twist, yes, some women are guilty of this as well, but since I have never dated any women, I am sticking with what I know.

I am pretty sure I have heard it all at this point, and while some have not bothered me in the least, they are amusing.

In no particular order, here are the reasons not to date me:

• I am to tall.. Translation...you are short and insecure and I like to wear heels and you cannot deal with a woman taller than you.  I actually had a guy nearly throw a fit because I was wearing heels and was taller than him.  He said he was 5'10" and clearly wasn't
• I am too smart.  Fine, I will give you that one.  Apparently intelligent women who can speak in complete sentences and use four syllable words are too much for some men.
• I am too loud.  Sorry, but I like to talk and converse and when I am passionate about something I can go up an octave or three.  I laugh loud and I talk loud. Move along.
• I am a little to heavy.  You knew this one was coming.  No I am not a stick.  I work my butt off and as much as I would love to be "skinny" it will never happen.  I prefer curvy.  I have a booty. I have only heard that one a couple times.  Most men have never complained.
• I live too far away.  Why we dated for nine months before this revelation became important I am still not sure of, but distance can be an issue, so I guess if you're not up for the drive try your own zip code.
• I care too much about people.  This came on a first date with short guy who apparently was turned off by the fact that I want to do missionary work and help the homeless.  What a selfish person I am.
• I have kids.  Translation: While he also has children he would rather date someone who doesn't have kids and wants to take care of his.  Part B to this conundrum is my kids are too young.  Because theirs are nearly grown and they don't want to deal with mine.
• I go to church.  Yep I do. Every Sunday.  I was on a first date with a guy and we started talking about church and religion and he wanted to know if we dated for a long time if I would expect him to go and go every single Sunday. Um, probably. That was our last date.
• He's not looking for a girlfriend.  Then why are you talking to me, texting me, interested in general.  Oh just for the sex.  Next!
• He isn't sure where this is going.  Well typically it goes with dating and getting to know each other then seeing if we want to get serious but apparently some men have to see the altar in the future in order to take it to a fourth date.
• I drink beer.  this can be filed under stupid and ridiculous.  Apparently in said persons world ladies don't drink beer. M'kay well men don't drink fruity drinks in my book either pal.
• We don't like the same music or sports teams.  Dude if you are this picky you will be alone FOREVER......

I could keep going but those are the funniest ones and I am starting to make myself depressed.  Ok, I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am probably too much awesome for most men to handle.  I will just keep going on dates trying to find that Frog that is going to step up and be a man.

Wish me Luck!

What Jimmy V said

There are days when this parenting thing seems like a piece of cake.  Days start out good, kids off to school,  organized, things going well until---BAM they aren't anymore and you find yourself screaming at your 13 year old in VG's parking lot.

That was today.  Today my oldest had his first day of basketball tryouts.  Now, I hold no illusion that my kids are superstars.  They both love sports and play with all their hearts, but lack the killer, go get em' aggressiveness that some kids seem to ooze from every pore. 

So I pick him up at 4:30, he gets in, throws his stuff in the backseat, and I  thinking I was going to hear great things ask him how it was. His response? "I hate it and the guy is a jerk and I am not going back."  Not what I expected at all.  I start with the barrage of questions.  What happened? Did another kid say something? Was he mean?

Now I guess I should give this disclaimer:  My kids are super sensitive...and they have always had really great, easy-going coaches for the most part in the past. 

According to Ev, the guy is a jerk who yelled the whole time, made them run and do sprints a ton and some of the other kids in his class yelled at him for not being aggressive enough.

By this time we are in the parking lot of the above said grocery store.  The mom in me for a split second wanted to comfort and make it better....but the athlete and competitor in me spoke up and said "Yep, that's how it is." "Suck it up"  I then went on to regale him with tales of my evil high school basketball coach who made us run and run and run and do suicide sprints till we puked. How she threw a weighted basketball at my head for not hustling. How I almost quit my sophomore year because I hated her and the mean senior girls I had to play with but how I stuck it out because I loved the game.  How my junior year I ended up with a fantastic coach and played a ton.  How is was over my dead body that he was giving up on the first day.

Words were exchanged, He yelled, I yelled, I threatened to call his Papa.  In the end I called his dad, who had the same conversation as I had with him.  Sports are hard. Coaches yell for a reason. Suck it up and try harder tomorrow.

He's going back tomorrow.  When we got home we sat on the couch and he put his head on my shoulder and I told him how much I loved him, how awesome I knew he could be and how proud I was of him for trying and keeping going. He stayed there and let me love on him for about five minutes which just about did me in.. If you have ever had a 13 year old boy you know that I get that moment about twice a year.  The rest of the year is quick hugs, pecks on the cheek and indifference.

I also made him watch the Jimmy V speech on YouTube .  I gave him a quick pep talk before bed and tonight in my prayers I am going to pray that he keeps with it, that he can learn that life is hard and has to work for what he wants.  I love this kid but I will not let him quit, and I will not be the kind of parent who butts in.  I had to get yelled and pushed and I don't think it hurts kids at all. 

The way I remember it

Ah 2014..... in a few hours you will be over and we will be flipping the calendar on a new year.  At the top...a fresh start...new pages on which to leave an impression, new memories to make.

I know a lot of people think this way.  As if the stroke of midnight and the leaving behind of a year either good, bad or otherwise will then render them new and fresh.

I don't feel that way....I know, surprise surprise.  I like to see this as more of a realistic outlook rather than cynicism. Self-preservation.   My big-eyed, sunny outlook on the world dissipated long ago.

I had a good year.  A different year; unlike any I have had in my life.  I doubt like any I will have again.  I didn't work at all, instead went back to school full time.  That was a bit weird.  At first anyway.  Now I don't ever want to work again. (Just kidding) But seriously, it has been phenomenal being able to be at everything for my kids and not worry, and although I know it's coming to an end.
I have enjoyed it immensely.

So what have I done this year?  Let's see:

• Completed 38 college credits by going to school full time year round (and made Dean's List)
• Went to six concerts including my ultimate bucket list....Pearl Jam
• Went to Charleston, SC twice! I love that city and got to take my boys the second time around
• Ran in seven races...not as many as years past but still
• Got two tattoos
• Developed my faith even deeper than before
• Lost more weight by working out and eating healthy and lots of inches as well
• Took my boys to some really cool places in Michigan
• Spent many long drunken evenings with friends, talking and making the world right
• Became a Hospice Caregiver Respite volunteer
• Volunteered at several events for homeless and hungry and needy
• Put up a free library in my front yard (with the help of some awesome friends)
• Grew my first garden successfully
• Watched a few people who I love dearly get married and hopefully live long happy lives together
• Wrote more this year than I have in my life thanks to an awesome class and gorgeous professor
• Went on several first dates...only first because apparently I am not everyones cup of tea
• Realized though the above may be true there is nothing wrong with me, I am awesome and fantastic
• Kissed quite a few really cute men
• Made some really poor decisions
• Made some excellent ones
• Learned that words are just words and not promises although I knew that already

I have had quite a year.  Good, bad and in-between.  I hold no illusions for next year except more of the same.  I know me, and I don't do resolutions, I just try and be better every year

Bah humbug and all that

Me, getting ready for Christmas

It's the most wonderf------ no, it's not.  It's not even close.  I cannot wait for this to be over. 

I don't hate Christmas....really.  I just seemed to have lost my Christmas spirit somewhere.  Back in 2010 and have yet to get it back.  Honestly if it wasn't for kids I don't think there would even be decorations adorning this cheap, fake tree I dug out.

Here, let me just jump to the obvious reason you think it is...save you some time.  Aw, it's because I'm single right?  No man in my life so this has to be difficult for me....blah blah blah, I have heard it all and just stop okay?!  Nothing to do with that.  Although there are days where it would be nice, I harbor no desperate desire for another person in my life and the lack thereof has no bearing on my holiday season.

It would make more sense if I'd had a terrible childhood or some horrible holiday experience like the girl in Gremlins whose dad gets stuck in the chimney and dies. Nope on both counts.

It's not one big thing, it's a bunch of little things.

It's not having my boys with me all day today; a by-product of divorce, I know,  My decision, I know.  It still sucks. 

It's having my family on the other side of the state and knowing that no matter how much I want it there will never be Christmas at my grandparents with my entire family again.

It's the sorrow and sadness for my friends who have lost their sons, and daughters, mothers and fathers, and knowing how hard it is for them. 

It's the decadence and the extreme consumerism. Watching people overindulge and get lost in spending and buying stuff because they are "supposed to"

It's the total takeover of this holiday complete with decorations out in October and music playing as of Thanksgiving.

But... I'm not a total Grinch. 

I love my boys getting excited about decorations and being able to pick out a new ornament at Bronners.

I love the fact that I still have one that believes in Santa and one who plays right along with his little brother.

I love the fact that my boys are just as focused on Jesus and the miracle of the season as they are Santa and presents.

I love that they have giving hearts and want to put money in every red bucket they see and buy presents for kids who have less than they do.

I love the Christmas Eve service at my church and that this year my boys made it back in time from their dad's to attend as well.

I hope some day it all falls together...that my skin stops thickening around the middle of November and I let myself get swept away in it all.