This is what I wanna do

So it's January 31st.  A little late for so-called resolutions.  Not too late for goals.  I have eleven more months to do something with 2012.  I feel like I let 2011 down.  Sure I did some fun stuff, I worked hard on some things, but I don't feel like I did enough.  I have been home for about 5 days with a sick kid so I have had PLENTY of time to think, which is one thing I shouldn't have.  My mind is dangerous when it's idle and has too much time, and I end up worrying and making myself sick.  So this is what I have come up with so far:

1. Run a half-marathon:  I say run jokingly, run/walk is more like it.  I did the 10 mile Crim last year so what's and extra few miles right?  Also I am bumping up my races, no more wimpy 5k's, when possible I am doing the 10K's.  I also need to work on my mental block when it comes to running, my body can do it longer than my mind let's me and I need to break that.  


2.  Get stupid skinny:  OK, let me clarify, I am not on a goal to be a stick, I have never been tiny, I have hips and a booty and always will but I have been fat for so long I want to get as low as I possibly can.  And I am not doing anything unhealthy or dangerous, I eat OK.  Just lots of more exercise and cutting out crap, which would be fine if I could stop going to McDonald's for Coke.  I want my tight body back that I had in high school.

3.  Go on a date:  Seriously, I have been divorced over a year, separated for two, Not one freakin date.  I am beginning to feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, like a disease.  I don't really want a boyfriend but can a girl get taken out to dinner or something????? 

4.  Go on a trip by myself: I have always had this fantasy of getting in my car and just driving, windows down, music blaring, hot sun beating down. Stopping in different places and just basically going no particular place. Stopping when I want, sleeping when I want, eating when I want.  

5.  Take my oldest to a cool concert:  I am so glad my children like the same music I do.  My oldest is as addicted to his Ipod as I am to mine. It's hard to explain the feeling I have for music.  It's on constantly in the house and the car.   I have introduced them to the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel and the Beastie Boys all with raging success.  I don't care how far we have to drive, I am taking him to something cool this summer.  We are hoping and praying that The Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons come within a three state distance to us!   


I have a million other things to do this year, projects to finish, places to go, books to read, movies to watch, people to entertain, but these are my top five.  This will probably keep me busy enough so I don't have too much time to thing about what I really want.....

What a difference a year makes!

I 'm not exactly sure what happened except that I woke up one day about a year ago and thought "when did I let myself get this fat?"  Between two kids and the stress of a marriage gone bad, I had just stopped trying.  My divorce was final one year ago today and I realized that I had gotten myself back part of the way, but needed to come back full circle.

I started Weight Watchers last February against my will with my friend Jen.  I wanted to lose weight but hated the idea of keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth.  The first go round I only lost 9 pounds.  But I had also added Zumba to the mix and that was helping.    The next 13 weeks I lost about 15 more pounds and started running.  Running is something I never thought I would do.  I have these acid flashbacks of high school basketball practice and a sadistic basketball coach who thought nothing of having us run a mile before and after practice in addition to the running during.  With the help of some great people, some who I met during Zumba or running races I am only 20 pounds away from goal. 

I want this bad.  I feel like the Heather I used to be a long time ago.  Not just because I am thinner, but because I feel like a person again.   I truly hated myself and when I look at pictures from the last 10 years I want to burn them.  Losing weight isn't just physical, it's mental because unless you have ever been "fat"  you have no idea what it is to look at yourself in the mirror and despise what you see.  

I will do this........

It was a Beautiful Day.

June 26th 2011 is a day that will go down as one the most memorable in my life.  It was the day I saw U2 in concert.  I have been a huge U2 fan since War, and this is the first time I have had the chance to get tickets.  We tried about 20 years ago and they sold out so back in November 2009 when I got the chance again I said Hell Yeah! The concert was at Spartan Stadium at Michigan State University, one of my favorite places in the world.

We were supposed to go in June 2010 and then Bono decided to hurt his back, which meant one more year of waiting.  This was worth the wait.  I went with my friend Nicole (the person I tried to go with 20 years ago)  and her niece Micala.  We had general admission, which means if you want a good spot, you get there super early and wait in line all day.  I  will be the first to admit that this was not the most appealing idea.  In fact I pissed and moaned about it most of the week leading up to it.  All was for naught because we scored a prime spot under a tree and stayed out of the sun and it was a perfect day out.  We got in line about 7:00 AM with our lawn chairs, blanket, cooler, snacks and games.  It was interesting to see all of the different people there.  It certainly ran the gamut.  We did an hour by hour update including signs, we went for walks and had some delicious  sandwiches, our mood was not even dampened by the annoying young boys behind us who decided to talk about every U2 song in depth for the entire 10 hours.

Finally, at 5:30 the time had arrived, we were one of the first 200 in the door and in prime spot to get into the "Inner Circle".  We decided to stay out of it for some reason, instead standing on the outside against a rail center stage.  It was the best idea we had, for we found that with a catwalk encircling the inner circle and some tips from the press and the tour people, the band would be performing at times right in front of us. 

Florence + the Machine were the opening act and they were great but nothing could quench our desire for U2.  Finally, at 8:45 PM, they took the stage.  The stage itself was unlike any I had seen. The top of it was 164 feet tall, it looked like a giant, alien spider all lit up with a screen that went 360 around so everyone could see everything.  Sure enough, third song in , who do we see coming at us but Bono and The Edge.  They stood just feet away, the only thing keeping us back was a black iron barrier and several scary looking security dudes.  We screamed, we swooned, we acted afool, as you can tell because the picture of me in The Detroit News looks like I have completely lost my marbles. 

The show was just incredible. I have been to tons of concerts and nothing will ever top this.  The songs, the performance, Bono himself, nothing will be this cool.

It was worth the wait.....

Easter

Today is Easter and as most people are spending the day with their family and kids, I spent the day by myself. This is the ex's weekend so he had them all weekend. They will be home soon but it's OK. I don't feel bad for myself. I had invitations to go places and eat with people but I just wanted to do my own thing. I slept in......till 10:00!!!! I cleaned, I did laundry, I went to the Gym.

I should have gone to church but sleeping till ten put that out of the question, so I had my own little prayer session with God outside. I thanked him for all of his sacrifice for me, and every other person in this world, and for giving me the chance to be the imperfect person that I am. I asked him for the guidance to be a better mother and be more patient with my kids but still being able to show them how to be good people and be respectful and live a happy life. I asked him to please help my friends and family who are having difficult times. I sometimes feel closer to God sitting in my backyard praying than I do in a church and I hope that doest make me a bad person.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter and enjoyed their day.

Thankful Thursday

After a day like today I decided to write about everything I am thankful for. I spent most of the day on the verge of hormonal tears. When I wasn't holding back the waterworks I was ready to smack someone. Near the end of the day I realized I was being hormonal and irrational and I decided to reflect on what is good in my life and is goes something like this.

I am thankful for my beautiful children and the fact that they are healthy and able to run and play and that I can kiss their little heads at night when they sleep.

I am thankful that I can provide for my children and put a roof over their head, and food in their bellies and enough Wii games for 10 kids.

I am thankful for the people in my life who reinforce the notion that I really am not a fat and ugly cow, even though I spend most of the day feeling like that.

I am thankful that my clothes continue to get looser even though the scale at Weight Watchers said I gained FOUR OUNCES today (another side effect of unfortunate hormonal state)

I am thankful that I get to stare at Robert Pattinson's beautiful face tomorrow night when I go see Water for Elephants.

I am thankful that I have brains, lots of them and that I use them. After listening to some people spew their ignorance and stupidity I am glad I know how to form cognitive thoughts and sentences. I really don't know how some people get through the day without falling in the toilet and drowning.

And lastly I am thankful for my excellent taste in music, without it I would be one of the unfortunate schmucks listening to top 40 Bubble gum, Lady Gag-me music.

Up to speed

I am not really sure why I have not been writing, guess I have been playing Bejeweled Blitz on FB too much.

Spring appears to be here finally in Michigan. No more snow please. Getting the yard cleaned up and flower beds cleaned. I have no idea what I am doing since I was never allowed to do anything with the yard in my former life, but we will see how things go. Some plants or flowers may die in the process but that's life.

My children are still not sleeping. The oldest is in bed with the youngest and the youngest is wide awake at 11PM. No amount of bribing or threats works. I have no idea how a three year old can still be awake this late but Mama needs her sleep. I still haven't found those baby tranquilizers on the Internet yet.

Operation get rid of the Apple Bottom is progressing well. I have been doing Zumba, working out at home and joined the gym for the month yesterday to see how I would do. I signed up for a 10 mile race in August so I really need to step it up. I walked it last year and my goal is to run the majority of it this year.

My oldest is going to be 10 on Sunday. I really don't know if I can deal with this because he should still be my baby. So much has happened over the last year and I feel like he lost some of his childhood because of it and I will probably beat myself up for the next ten years wondering if they will be OK but there is no turning back now. I wouldn't want to anyway. He is a good boy but really been struggling and I know he will be OK but it still hurts me to see him in any kind of anguish.

We no longer have Bella. The boys and I decided together that even though she was a lovely dog, she was not the right dog for us. Luckily we got her from someone who could take her back, get her the training she needs and find a forever home for her soon I hope because she will be a really good dog for a different family. We are now the proud owners of two crazy orange kitties. They are boys and brothers and their names are Ziggy and Bob Marley. Only I get the significance of their names. Evan knows who they are as singers but that is all. After all he is only 9 3/4.

Random

Today started out good. Got kids off to school and daycare OK, had a yummy McDonald's coke. Staff meeting was OK. Then I had a minor snafu with Friend of the Court, who, in my honest opinion does not know their behind from a hole in the ground. I have had to call three times in the last two months to clarify, give information and ask where my file stands but apparently after going off on the poor woman she realized she indeed did not want me in her office and figured out what the issue was and it's taken care of. We'll see, I might actually get child support sometime in 2011.

I don't know why my children won't sleep. Right now it is 10:21 and they are both still awake. They don't get caffeine, they don't get an overabundance of sugar. I know it's still cold out so they aren't getting enough physical activity but still. I am tired of being Momzilla. I am tired of having 1-2 kids in bed with me every night and I am tired of being tired.

Spring has got to here soon. We had no snow and the first day of spring was Sunday and of course, living in Michigan, it snowed like crazy today and we are supposed to have some kind of ice storm overnight. Great, just what we need. My poor car already got hit once this winter and it's all better now and I don't feel like getting plowed by a moron again.

I need sunshine, and lots of it. I am pale by nature and am just about invisible from no sunshine. I could pass for a Cullen right now if you know what I mean.

I have been on Weight Watchers for six weeks now and have lost a grand total of----ready? Two fricking pounds. I haven't been following it to a T but have been doing well and working out and this week I do feel really good and have gotten lots of compliments so hopefully Thursday really shows a difference or I might have to throw a scale at someone.

I am going away this weekend with my sisters and close friend to scrapbook camp, I haven't been in a year and I have not done anything since the last time I went. In fact my stuff is a mess and I have not even begun to pack or sort anything out. But we don't have to be there until Friday so I have plenty of time. I do my best work under pressure.

Supposedly men think about sex all the time right? Like 485,000 times a day or some astronomical figure like that. Well, I think women do to, but most are just too prissy to admit it. I think I think about it as much as men do. Maybe that is just because it's been so long since I have had any (462 days but who's counting) In fact, I think I can be classified as a virgin again.