Matchmaker Matchmaker, make me a match

OK, I admit it.  I am back on Match.  I'm not really sure why. Curiosity to see if there truly is someone worthwhile since I am not finding that person on my own.  Not that I am looking.  But seriously...the pond in these parts is D-R-Y. After my last few dates I am convinced there is not a decent guy to date in this county.   It's kind of a sociological experiment as well. Trying to see if being blunt and honest and forthright are still attractive qualities besides physical attraction.   I think I may be the only woman out there who isn't portraying herself as "just a nice girl looking for her Prince Charming" Gag.  So not me.  

So one night I was at my best friends house having a couple (several) drinks complaining about that very thing when she lovingly suggested I quit bitching and try Match again. Meh.  OK fine, the last long term relationship I had came from there but I didn't have my hopes up.  I had my laptop with me so we fired it up.  I reworked my profile and added new pictures and that was it.  I kind of forgot about it.  Then messages and winks and likes started pouring in.  So I got curious and started browsing myself.   It truly is a mixed bag.  There are some decent sounding guys and I have had a couple dates and talked to some guys, BUT I am just not feeling it, or getting excited about anyone.  Don't get me wrong, there are some good looking men out there that sound interesting but guess what? They live like an HOUR AWAY.  Le sigh...... my car can't hold up to another long-distance relationship.

It's been an amusing adventure as well.  Here is the thing.  You are trying to sell yourself out there basically.  You want to make yourself look as appealing and interesting as possible in the hopes you get the match you are hoping for.  Some men do a very good job.  Some.....do not.  I don't think they get it.  If I could give men (and some women) some advice, it would be this:

• Put some decent pictures out there. Please. Chances are if you are shelling money out on a monthly basis for this service you have a smartphone and even if you don't have any friends, ask a stranger on the street to take your picture.  Stop taking pictures of yourself in the mirror looking down at the camera.  Don't lay in bed and take a picture. Ew.  Don't put 10 year old pictures out there.  Smile, this shouldn't look like a mug shot.  Don't put a picture of you and your ex out there and just black out her face, and for the love of God and everything Holy, Please please please, PUT A SHIRT ON!  I am sure you are proud of your physique but I don't wan to see that.  The first time I see you with a shirt off should be far, far down the road unless we are swimming or at the beach and I promise you my friend, that will not be a first date.
• Be intelligent.  If you are sending messages, be witty, be pithy and charming. Stop sending messages that say "UR hot. RU single." Seriously. I have gotten about four of these.  Yes I know I'm hot and hmmm, the chance that I am single is probably pretty high since I am on this site.  
• Be original.  We live in Michigan. Chances are if you are between the ages of  5 and 90 you enjoy the outdoors and fishing and bonfires and blah blah blah. We all do.  Talk about yourself. What are you looking for in a person? What are you passionate about. What do you believe in?  If you can't eke out more than three sentences to describe yourself.....boring....pass. If I read one more profile that says "work hard, play harder" or "looking for my partner in crime" I might just switch to the other team.
• Be honest.  Give your correct height. If you are 5'8" then say so.  If you don't want to be with someone with young kids, then don't message me.  If you are just looking for a good time just say so and I will pass.  I can respect the men more that just put it out there in their profile that they are just looking to have fun, I know what they mean and can weed them out. Read the profiles of the women you are looking at. If she doesn't sound like someone you would like to spend time with but is attractive, I can assure you, you will just be paying for a meal and never see her again. 
• Read the profiles.  I know I just said this but seriously.  They ask you a million questions for a reason. I am not interested in someone my dad's age.  I am not interested in someone who doesn't ever read or get outside, or exercise or interested in being around someone else's kids.  If we have no common interests then move on. Not to sound bitchy but I am picky and I know what I want.  To quote Cher from Clueless "You see how picky I am about shoes and I only put those on my feet."       

So basically, my adventure on this roller coaster is almost done and then I will just hope I can meet a smart, charming, decent guy the old-fashioned way. Whatever, Maybe I can turn this into a research paper and get some extra credit in Sociology class.

And don't even get me started about punctuation.......

Reason not to date me

I have been doing this dating thing for about four years. Sometimes with smashing success and others with abysmal failure.

My friend who is recently divorced put on her FB the other night "what exactly do you men want, why are you so confusing"  I immediately jumped all over that one.  Simple and straightforward: Men don't know what they want.  For centuries it has always been assumed women are the hesitant, dithering ones.  Well I am here to tell you, it's men.  Now that technology can connect millions of people in seconds and you have a wider variety of people to choose from, it's like game on.  Meet a cute girl? Great, one will come along in about a day that is even cuter, let's try and get with her.

I am not just speaking from personal experience, I have seen it firsthand.  And before any of you boys get your knickers in a twist, yes, some women are guilty of this as well, but since I have never dated any women, I am sticking with what I know.

I am pretty sure I have heard it all at this point, and while some have not bothered me in the least, they are amusing.

In no particular order, here are the reasons not to date me:

• I am to tall.. Translation...you are short and insecure and I like to wear heels and you cannot deal with a woman taller than you.  I actually had a guy nearly throw a fit because I was wearing heels and was taller than him.  He said he was 5'10" and clearly wasn't
• I am too smart.  Fine, I will give you that one.  Apparently intelligent women who can speak in complete sentences and use four syllable words are too much for some men.
• I am too loud.  Sorry, but I like to talk and converse and when I am passionate about something I can go up an octave or three.  I laugh loud and I talk loud. Move along.
• I am a little to heavy.  You knew this one was coming.  No I am not a stick.  I work my butt off and as much as I would love to be "skinny" it will never happen.  I prefer curvy.  I have a booty. I have only heard that one a couple times.  Most men have never complained.
• I live too far away.  Why we dated for nine months before this revelation became important I am still not sure of, but distance can be an issue, so I guess if you're not up for the drive try your own zip code.
• I care too much about people.  This came on a first date with short guy who apparently was turned off by the fact that I want to do missionary work and help the homeless.  What a selfish person I am.
• I have kids.  Translation: While he also has children he would rather date someone who doesn't have kids and wants to take care of his.  Part B to this conundrum is my kids are too young.  Because theirs are nearly grown and they don't want to deal with mine.
• I go to church.  Yep I do. Every Sunday.  I was on a first date with a guy and we started talking about church and religion and he wanted to know if we dated for a long time if I would expect him to go and go every single Sunday. Um, probably. That was our last date.
• He's not looking for a girlfriend.  Then why are you talking to me, texting me, interested in general.  Oh just for the sex.  Next!
• He isn't sure where this is going.  Well typically it goes with dating and getting to know each other then seeing if we want to get serious but apparently some men have to see the altar in the future in order to take it to a fourth date.
• I drink beer.  this can be filed under stupid and ridiculous.  Apparently in said persons world ladies don't drink beer. M'kay well men don't drink fruity drinks in my book either pal.
• We don't like the same music or sports teams.  Dude if you are this picky you will be alone FOREVER......

I could keep going but those are the funniest ones and I am starting to make myself depressed.  Ok, I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am probably too much awesome for most men to handle.  I will just keep going on dates trying to find that Frog that is going to step up and be a man.

Wish me Luck!

What Jimmy V said

There are days when this parenting thing seems like a piece of cake.  Days start out good, kids off to school,  organized, things going well until---BAM they aren't anymore and you find yourself screaming at your 13 year old in VG's parking lot.

That was today.  Today my oldest had his first day of basketball tryouts.  Now, I hold no illusion that my kids are superstars.  They both love sports and play with all their hearts, but lack the killer, go get em' aggressiveness that some kids seem to ooze from every pore. 

So I pick him up at 4:30, he gets in, throws his stuff in the backseat, and I  thinking I was going to hear great things ask him how it was. His response? "I hate it and the guy is a jerk and I am not going back."  Not what I expected at all.  I start with the barrage of questions.  What happened? Did another kid say something? Was he mean?

Now I guess I should give this disclaimer:  My kids are super sensitive...and they have always had really great, easy-going coaches for the most part in the past. 

According to Ev, the guy is a jerk who yelled the whole time, made them run and do sprints a ton and some of the other kids in his class yelled at him for not being aggressive enough.

By this time we are in the parking lot of the above said grocery store.  The mom in me for a split second wanted to comfort and make it better....but the athlete and competitor in me spoke up and said "Yep, that's how it is." "Suck it up"  I then went on to regale him with tales of my evil high school basketball coach who made us run and run and run and do suicide sprints till we puked. How she threw a weighted basketball at my head for not hustling. How I almost quit my sophomore year because I hated her and the mean senior girls I had to play with but how I stuck it out because I loved the game.  How my junior year I ended up with a fantastic coach and played a ton.  How is was over my dead body that he was giving up on the first day.

Words were exchanged, He yelled, I yelled, I threatened to call his Papa.  In the end I called his dad, who had the same conversation as I had with him.  Sports are hard. Coaches yell for a reason. Suck it up and try harder tomorrow.

He's going back tomorrow.  When we got home we sat on the couch and he put his head on my shoulder and I told him how much I loved him, how awesome I knew he could be and how proud I was of him for trying and keeping going. He stayed there and let me love on him for about five minutes which just about did me in.. If you have ever had a 13 year old boy you know that I get that moment about twice a year.  The rest of the year is quick hugs, pecks on the cheek and indifference.

I also made him watch the Jimmy V speech on YouTube .  I gave him a quick pep talk before bed and tonight in my prayers I am going to pray that he keeps with it, that he can learn that life is hard and has to work for what he wants.  I love this kid but I will not let him quit, and I will not be the kind of parent who butts in.  I had to get yelled and pushed and I don't think it hurts kids at all. 

The way I remember it

Ah 2014..... in a few hours you will be over and we will be flipping the calendar on a new year.  At the top...a fresh start...new pages on which to leave an impression, new memories to make.

I know a lot of people think this way.  As if the stroke of midnight and the leaving behind of a year either good, bad or otherwise will then render them new and fresh.

I don't feel that way....I know, surprise surprise.  I like to see this as more of a realistic outlook rather than cynicism. Self-preservation.   My big-eyed, sunny outlook on the world dissipated long ago.

I had a good year.  A different year; unlike any I have had in my life.  I doubt like any I will have again.  I didn't work at all, instead went back to school full time.  That was a bit weird.  At first anyway.  Now I don't ever want to work again. (Just kidding) But seriously, it has been phenomenal being able to be at everything for my kids and not worry, and although I know it's coming to an end.
I have enjoyed it immensely.

So what have I done this year?  Let's see:

• Completed 38 college credits by going to school full time year round (and made Dean's List)
• Went to six concerts including my ultimate bucket list....Pearl Jam
• Went to Charleston, SC twice! I love that city and got to take my boys the second time around
• Ran in seven races...not as many as years past but still
• Got two tattoos
• Developed my faith even deeper than before
• Lost more weight by working out and eating healthy and lots of inches as well
• Took my boys to some really cool places in Michigan
• Spent many long drunken evenings with friends, talking and making the world right
• Became a Hospice Caregiver Respite volunteer
• Volunteered at several events for homeless and hungry and needy
• Put up a free library in my front yard (with the help of some awesome friends)
• Grew my first garden successfully
• Watched a few people who I love dearly get married and hopefully live long happy lives together
• Wrote more this year than I have in my life thanks to an awesome class and gorgeous professor
• Went on several first dates...only first because apparently I am not everyones cup of tea
• Realized though the above may be true there is nothing wrong with me, I am awesome and fantastic
• Kissed quite a few really cute men
• Made some really poor decisions
• Made some excellent ones
• Learned that words are just words and not promises although I knew that already

I have had quite a year.  Good, bad and in-between.  I hold no illusions for next year except more of the same.  I know me, and I don't do resolutions, I just try and be better every year

Bah humbug and all that

Me, getting ready for Christmas

It's the most wonderf------ no, it's not.  It's not even close.  I cannot wait for this to be over. 

I don't hate Christmas....really.  I just seemed to have lost my Christmas spirit somewhere.  Back in 2010 and have yet to get it back.  Honestly if it wasn't for kids I don't think there would even be decorations adorning this cheap, fake tree I dug out.

Here, let me just jump to the obvious reason you think it is...save you some time.  Aw, it's because I'm single right?  No man in my life so this has to be difficult for me....blah blah blah, I have heard it all and just stop okay?!  Nothing to do with that.  Although there are days where it would be nice, I harbor no desperate desire for another person in my life and the lack thereof has no bearing on my holiday season.

It would make more sense if I'd had a terrible childhood or some horrible holiday experience like the girl in Gremlins whose dad gets stuck in the chimney and dies. Nope on both counts.

It's not one big thing, it's a bunch of little things.

It's not having my boys with me all day today; a by-product of divorce, I know,  My decision, I know.  It still sucks. 

It's having my family on the other side of the state and knowing that no matter how much I want it there will never be Christmas at my grandparents with my entire family again.

It's the sorrow and sadness for my friends who have lost their sons, and daughters, mothers and fathers, and knowing how hard it is for them. 

It's the decadence and the extreme consumerism. Watching people overindulge and get lost in spending and buying stuff because they are "supposed to"

It's the total takeover of this holiday complete with decorations out in October and music playing as of Thanksgiving.

But... I'm not a total Grinch. 

I love my boys getting excited about decorations and being able to pick out a new ornament at Bronners.

I love the fact that I still have one that believes in Santa and one who plays right along with his little brother.

I love the fact that my boys are just as focused on Jesus and the miracle of the season as they are Santa and presents.

I love that they have giving hearts and want to put money in every red bucket they see and buy presents for kids who have less than they do.

I love the Christmas Eve service at my church and that this year my boys made it back in time from their dad's to attend as well.

I hope some day it all falls together...that my skin stops thickening around the middle of November and I let myself get swept away in it all. 

How not to cry in church

I love my church. 

Most Sundays I am standing and singing, sitting and taking in the message, furiously scribbling my notes, underlining passages in my Bible, my heart open for God's word, leaving with a happy servant's heart.

Not yesterday.  I awoke feeling off.  I shuffled in and people were already singing and worshiping, and I just felt it.  That rock in my stomach.  The one that means I may not make it through in one piece.  Usually that means the message just moves me, speaks to me, reminds me of who I need to be instead of I am being. 

Yesterday it was different and I was just detached...disconnected.  I heard what was being said, I felt it, but my heart was so heavy from other things in my life.  I let that affect me more than God's word. 

I could feel that familiar feeling. the ache in my head, the burning in my eyes....nope, not today. 

Cue the music...oh great, we're singing "Lead me to the cross".  An upbeat song would have quashed this feeling but let's sing a song that is guaranteed to make me break down.

I cannot cry! In five minutes I have to check in numerous middle schoolers to their small groups...no, I cannot cry!!!!

Here are some tried and true ways to make yourself not cry during church:

•   Hold your breathe and bite your tongue...I know, you would think biting your tongue would ensure the tears but it's a nice diversion
• Close your eyes tight during worship.  Everyone else  is singing and swaying and raising hands, some already have their eyes closed so no one will think anything is amiss.  If you close your eyes tight enough no tears can escape
• Stare hard at the backdrop on the stage.  At my church its a beautiful pallet wall with a cross cut in the center that is lit up different colors different weeks.  I hope they never take it down. Try and figure out what the different colors each week mean. Obviously white during Easter but some weeks blue, green and red.  I wonder if there is a theme?
• Check out the worship teams outfits and shoes.  Did Kathy make that outfit?  She always looks so cute and check out those boots.  Too bad her feet are way smaller than mine

These usually work...they will work....every time,.....unless the worship team ever plays Amazing Grace or How Great thou Art....but that is just mean and they would never do that.

Bad for me

I have this tendency to want things that aren't good for me.  A weakness if you will.

                 Chocolate, Alcohol, Black cherry ice cream, men who do nothing but bring me heartache.

Let's tackle that last one:  Men who are not good for me.  The ones that I don't need in my life but are fun to have around.  The ones who drive me crazy.  The ones who I see as having potential even if they don't see it yet.  I have this thing with fixing things.  It's the Virgo in me.  I see people who need something and I want to be the one who gets it for them, or in this case I see a man who is possibly broken, in need of  a good woman and I want to be that for them.

 Want to know how many times that has worked??? I am currently 0-3.

Seeing something you think you want can  make you believe anything.  It's quite impossible to think clearly when right in front of you is this gorgeous man who you think could be everything you ever wanted.   But it's more than the physical intoxication.  Seeing the possibility
.....the possibility of what
it could be.  Making something that starts out like this turn into something tangible and concrete.

You know how they say it takes two to tango?  It also takes two to want to build a relationship and make something work, and usually something that is only worked on from one side is one thing: half-assed.

I can only blame myself for wanting to be with people who are no good for me...and just like bad food, I need to cut out the men who are not good for me either.

The problem is....you can't always tell right away.