Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Halfway there

FForty. Say it with me. F-F-Forty.  Put your top teeth on your bottom lip and make the  FFFFFF sound.  Yeah, I can't say it either.  It sounds too weird. Like the whole time I was in my Thirties, no big deal and now it's like that stamp I have been avoiding for so long has finally been applied to my forehead.  I'm totally not feeling it.

I know they say you are as young as you feel.....fine then I will stay 32 forever.  Actually I look  and ten times better than I have in the last 17 or 18 years so I guess there is that  I truly feel young, and I know I don't act my age. (that probably isn't a good thing to admit)

But really, think back to when you were 20.  What did 40 look like to you?

To me it looked like this: Being married, kids, jobs, dogs, happy, living the white picket dream.

What it really looks like: Divorced, kids, job,  two annoying cats, yes I am happy, exhausted, stressed,    holding it together with a smile. (and no boyfriend, thanks Jeff for breaking up with me six weeks before my birthday)

The other part I don't like about being 40 is I don't feel like I have done ANYTHING.  I haven't gone anywhere cool. I've never even been out of the country.  I haven't done anything significant I guess.  At least to me.  I feel like I have wasted the first 40 years of my life being boring, and safe and somewhat comfortable.  Why?  I have always had some excuse.  Kids, no time, no money.  So now I feel this pressure to start doing things.  I need to go somewhere far away. I need to finish school. I need to get another tattoo, I need to sign up for a half marathon.  I need to learn new things. I need to feed the starving children in Africa.

No, it's not a midlife crisis, so you over there in the corner looking down your nose at me, you can give it a rest.  And what does that mean anyway?  When people say that I imagine the quintessential balding man in his 40's dumping the family for an earring, hot rod and trophy wife.  Well, worry not, I have no desire to be younger, I am not going to start wearing inappropriate clothing, pretending to be 25 and trying to hunt down a younger man.  (35 is the lowest I will go).  I have seen that and let me assure you, it's not pretty and that will not be me. 

I just don't want to get to 80 and look back and think---I should have done more with my life, because that is how I feel right now, how did I get to 40 and not feel like I have accomplished anything much at all.

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