Monday, April 20, 2009

You have no idea.

At the beginning of my blog I talked about the issues I have in my home life, my marriage in particular. One thing you need to know about me is I am a very social talkative person. I don't tell everyone I know my business but if I considered you a friend I might share with you how I was, especially if you ask or seem concerned.

Some things have happened in the last few months that had made me decide to not be so honest or open about how I feel. People who I thought I was close with and could confide in, and understood me have turned on me. Sometimes those who you think you are closest to are the people you should avoid in times of trouble. I had to learn the hard way. So I have stopped sharing. I barely talk to people at work about anything other than the weather.

I still have some real friends who continue to inquire and counsel or offer advice and for the most part I really appreciate it.

However.......... you cannot really give someone advice unless you are in the situation. You can't say it will get better unless you are right there when things are bad. You cannot assume it's just a phase they are going through. You can't assume that the person will change or you just need to communicate better.

I have been with my husband for almost sixteen years, we have been married eleven. This isn't a simple communication issue. We don't need to learn how to treat each other better. If we haven't learned by now then we never will. I am not perfect. This is not all his fault but it's not just me being pissy either. He is just not a nice person. When I married him I had already known that he could be selfish and mean. I never thought that over the years it would get worse. He isn't physically abusive at all and he never calls me names or degrades me intentionally but what he does do is pick away at me until I cannot take it any longer. I either shut down or explode. He doesn't see it. We went to counseling together and I went by myself. Just because we went he thinks we are fine. I don't know how to show him we are not.

At this point all I can do is wait. Wait to see if I stay and just deal with it or bolt out the door. I can't really do anything right now because I can't afford to live on my own, and I really can't imagine not being with my boys every day. It would be very ugly. There is no way that we could just agree to split up and go on. I could but I know he wouldn't. I can take care of myself and I can take care of my boys.

Until you have been in this exact situation then you don't know how it feels and you can't tell me what I should do. All I ask is that you support me and listen if I ask you to and if you don't want to hear what I have to say then don't ask me at all.

1 comment:

  1. I'm listening...and feeling for ya. I know how it feels to be in an uncomfortable relationship. My unsolicited advice? Live your life to the fullest with your boys and pretend he's not in the room/house. Play games, go on play dates, make crafts...whatever you and the little ones love doing on your own. Perhaps he'll get a bit jealous and want to be included. Then maybe he'll realize that he must earn an invitation.

    Hang in there my friend and keep telling yourself you deserve great things. From anyone in your life. Because you truly, truly do!