Seeking

This past Sunday in church we had a verse in our outline that has stuck with me all of this week.  It is a verse I have heard many times.  A verse that I understand and know but often fail to live fully, because after all, I am just a human. 

Matthew 6:31-33
So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I know that God will provide.  I know that God knows what I need. I have learned not to seek things I do not need(well, most things) be greedy or worry about having what others have, but that does not stop me from worrying and wanting.

Worrying about how I am going to make it through the next six months to get through with school when I thought I got more unemployment than I do.  I will figure it out, pray about it and I know that it will all come together because I know that in my heart this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.  Let's just say it's easy to know God is there when things are going great in your life but when things aren't you sometimes wonder if you are doing something wrong.

Wanting is a funny thing.  I have plenty of everything.  Plenty of clothes, plenty of books, plenty of music, plenty of friends.  Wanting for me is not so much the physical or tangible things but more of a spiritual or emotional thing.  I want to know that God knows what I need or hears my prayers, or is guiding me in the right direction.  

Confession:  I have never felt what some people feel when it comes to God.  Don't get me wrong, I am moved by God, sometimes daily by the circumstances of my life.  I can be found in tears most weeks at church, not because it's a bad service (really Phil) but because it resonates with something inside of me.  But, I have never been doing something, asking for something, praying for something and had that God calling where I knew exactly that he was telling me Yes or No.  It doesn't make my faith in Him waver, it just makes me wonder if it's me.  Am I not listening or doing something right? 

It's this tiny thought that makes me wonder that if I am not doing these things right, is that why other areas of my life aren't falling into place.  Like I am not seeing what is right in front of me to make things work.  It's not like it's punishment, like a parent withholding what a child wants until they behave in a certain way, but if I keep seeking the things I KNOW FOR A FACT God doesn't want me seeking then.......

Sometimes I think I would rather be hit by a bolt of lightning or hear God's booming voice down from the heavens then to wonder.

One last thing

Right now I am sitting in a noisy crowded café at college waiting for my next class to start.  Right now my family is 140 miles away laying my cousin to rest.  I couldn't be there and it breaks my heart.  My heart is breaking for many people right now.  My aunt and uncle... my cousins, especially Emily who was his twin.  But most of all my heart breaks for the sweet little boy he left behind... Bryan.

Adam took his own life.  Suicide,  killed himself, call it what you will but the outcome is still the same.  He isn't here anymore.  His parents can't hug him anymore.  His brothers can't roughhouse him and his sister can't hug him and look to him as her protector.  His little boy will never know the sweet nature he had. 

I was there the day he was born.  I was 19 and went to the hospital with my mom and grandma and various relatives. We stood there waiting for these two babies to be born.

It's surreal to me, the idea of suicide.  I know other people who have chosen this way to go.  I know people who have attempted it, and I don't care who you are but we have all had the idea or dark thought cross our minds in desperate times when we think life cannot get any worse....." Would this world be better off without me?". The answer is a clear and resounding NO! 

Everyone has their opinions about it... It's selfish, they weren't thinking right... they didn't mean it.  Some consider you damned to Hell no matter what. In some cultures it was a noble way to go.  Why wait for old age to consume you?   People are angry, confused, was it their fault? Could they have done something?  Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.   I know my aunt tried to help him but all the medical field did was throw drugs at the problem.  There was no outreach, no offer of treatment, and this makes me very angry.  

 I just saw him two weeks ago... hugged him, sat right next to him and talked about work and the possibility of him going to school.  We watched Bryan run around, fascinated by a puppy that was there. 

Now all that we have is his memory.  His sweet smile, his bear hugs, his quiet voice.  You can wish and want and beg and plead but nothing is going to bring him back, fill the gap, or make it better. His parents and siblings have to pick up the pieces, they have to explain to  his boy someday what happened. 

Now I ask of you..... reach out to people.  If you think for a minute someone you have come across is down so deep they can't see out, reach for them.  It's uncomfortable, you may think well someone will help them but sometimes they don't get help.  Don't stop until they do.  Make sure they get a way out.  If you read this and think, this is me.... please I beg you, ask for help, get help, do not be ashamed and do not think for one minute no one will care or miss you.

And finally, if you wish to donate to Adam's memory and Bryan's future please click the link below.  His family will need help burying him, and caring for Bryan.


Little Bryan in his suit

http://www.gofundme.com/drbllw

Words

I am, quite simply, a logophile.  Now before you go to Google to find out what that is, let me tell you. It is Greek for "lover of words".  That I am.  I fervently adore words.  Those that make up books, lyrics, quotes, phrases and verses. When they are spoken so eloquently, I am awestruck.   It never ceases to amaze me how 26 simple letter can be assimilated into so much joy, sorrow, comfort, and humor.  I have a dictionary and a thesaurus.  I once read a book about a man who read the English Oxford Dictionary.  Yes, I am a great big nerd. 

The thing about words is they are easy to say. Hard to take back.  Easy to believe.  I can get swept away in words.  Put them together in the right order and they sound like promises. Whispered late at night in the cover of darkness between two people, they sound like forever.  Standing next to someone in a crowded bar, he leans in so close that you swear your bodies are touching, but only the tip of his mouth touches your ear, so you can only feel hot breath that comes with those words.  Those should be the truest words uttered, instead they are temporary.  Texts, Facebook posts that make your heart leap from your chest.  Words  are exquisite but in the wrong hands they become malignant.

I don't take much stock in what some people say anymore. I try to look beyond what their mouths are saying and into their eyes and hearts.   It's going to take me seeing the truth in someones soul to believe them.

 There is a quote from The Beautiful and the Damned. I would loved to have met F. Scott Fitzgerald.  That man could take those 26 letters and spin them into magic.  He wrote: "I don't want just words. If that's all you have for me you'd better go." 

Truer words were never spoken.  I don't need to hear how beautiful, amazing, wonderful or special I am. Don't just tell me that you want to be with me. Show me and make me believe because words are cheap my friend.

Good things

This isn't what I sat down to write.  I have another topic altogether  but it's not quite set in my head so I will tuck it away.  Instead I am making a list of good things.  I am by myself this week as the boys are spending a summer week with their dad so there is LOTS OF TIME for me to think and think and think and that is never a good thing.

1.  Lots of Hot Sunshine
2.  the first sip of an Iced Cappucino
3.  Breakfast with a good friend
4.  The windows down and the radio up
5. A rainy breeze blowing in my window
6. The smell of books, old and new
7.  Kisses after midnight
8. Long phone calls with an old friend
9.  Music all through the house
10. Time to browse in stores
11. Sitting on my deck and staring at the heavens
12. Crisp Veggies and Juicy Fruit (not the gum)
13. Ice cold beer
14. All the concerts I still have this year
15. Gym time
16. Early morning bike rides
17. Running at dusk
18. being missed and being told so
19. Long drives to nowhere in particular
20. Smiling at people and saying hello

"The are of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things" Henry Ward Beecher

This Mama does

Last week when I had to take Child A to the dentist, I had time to kill in the waiting room so I picked up a Parenting magazine.  I stopped reading those years ago because they just made me feel bad about myself and were full of annoying ads, and I realized I was not going to be one of those mothers who counted until their children behaved.  This particular one was full of things NOT to do in order to be a good and perfect parent and I realized that still some 10 years later....I am still a bad parent according to this magazine.  Want to know why?

I let my kids sleep with me....The big one not so much anymore, he is too old but the six year old....as much as he wants.  I still make him sleep in his own bed during the week but most mornings I wake up with a kid pasted to me.  On weekends, or if his brother is gone it's game on and he just gets in my bed.  No big deal to me.  He is six....it won't last forever....he is comforted by the fact that his mother is there for him and doesn't yell at him to go back to bed...and it's just me so who cares???

I scream, yell and occasionally smack.....I am a very passionate person and when I have had to ask someone to do something for the 10th time, my voice tends to go up about five octaves.  When they fight with each other I am just trying to get in the middle so no one gets hurt.  When they get mouthy I jump in their shit,  and I will in no way, shape or form deal with disrespect or nastiness.  I know my neighbors think I am a screaming crazy woman but I just cannot be that parent who just pats them on the head and wants to hug it out.  They get swatted and my oldest has gotten his mouth smacked more than once. Also he is bigger than me now so I occasionally kick his legs out from under him to let him know who is boss.  I usually apologize after I have screamed and stomped and gestured to get my point across.....then we hug it out.

I let my kids listen to inappropriate music.... Let me clarify, we aren't cruising down the road listening to 2 Live Crew, but my six year old knows the words to most Beastie Boys songs. Music is very big in our household and I do think they should listen to what they like,  I personally don't like or listen to anything with gratuitous profanity or content but something that has it with artistic merit is fine with me. I still filter what the 6 year old can hear and  I had a problem at first with my 13 year old listening to Eminem but then took off my hypocrite hat because I was listening to 2 Live crew in middle school and honestly the kid has great taste in music. 


I taught them the fine art of sarcasm... My kids are smart, intelligent and entertaining.  They can carry on conversations with adults and they have opinions. ( Don't ask Owen what he thinks about Obama) They are as respectful as they can be for 13 and 6 and I figured learning how to carry on a witty, pithy conversation would only benefit them in the long run.  Occasionally it backfires on me and they get sassy with me but then I remind them who gave them their sarcastic superpowers and that I can take them away!

I don't reward them for breathing...Nothing annoys me more than kids being treated all the same because "we don't want little Tommy feeling bad"  Well we know what that creates.  The current generation of twenty-somethings who basically think life should be given to them on a silver platter because that is what is "fair"  They don't get an allowance or money for good grades.  They get praise where praise is due and when they say it's not fair, I say life isn't fair and to suck it up. they have chores and earn a commission for certain chores but not all of them.  Sometimes one of them gets more than the other, sometimes one of them gets special treats and the other doesn't.  They learn to live with it.....I think they used to call it building character.


So there you have it, on paper I am a terrible mother.  I know I'm not, but far from perfect and that is fine with me.  We are real in our household and if I screw up I tell them because it makes it that much easier when they screw up.

I doubt I will be on the cover of a parenting magazine anytime soon

Love More

I found this shirt at Old Navy one weekend and thought it was perfect for me.  It reminds of a Seed shirt I have.  It makes a statement though they may have not intended for it to.

I do love people.  I love life, and experiences and music and just everything around me in general, I love what is safe.  Safe is my family and most of my friends and my kids and animals and things that I don't have to worry about not loving me back.

I spent today by myself.  Other than taking Kid A to the Dr this morning and picking up a funky cool little table from a thrift shop I was home (and the gym but I don't talk to anyone there) by myself.,and oh yeah Daisy but she doesn't really count because I can talk to her about anything and she doesn't have anything to say about it.

Cool new table

I am extremely social so being by myself all day and not talking to anyone makes for an endless day,  I start to get twitchy.  I am better with people around me. I get more done.  When I am by myself I tend to curl up and do nothing.  I was determined today however to do something different.  I got my sunroom cleaned up and reorganized and my sewing area set up and my thirtyone area organized.  And listened to music...of course always music.  (Sidenote: If you don't like loud music playing don't come to my house) And of course I thought......and thought some more.

Love...love more...its an easy concept but hard to put into practice if it's easier to just not to love anyone other than those people listed above.  I have days where I am certain I could go the rest of my life and just not deal with the unpleasant task of someone under my feet, dealing with them, trying to make them happy so they stay.  That is how I feel about love at the moment,  It's a task, something to check off my to do list and I keep moving it to the bottom and then to the following day's list.

Again, being the social Virgo that I am, I crave love, I give love. When I love someone there isn't anything I can't do for them.  My friends and family know this very well.  The thing is, the affection part can be had without dealing  with the mess of love, and hoping that someone decides that it's worth it.  It's easy for me to wrap my head around that and just shut myself off and not get hurt.

So what's a girl to do???  How do you Love More when all you do is love people???  This is my conundrum to conquer........

Treading water

Once upon a time I had this parenting thing down.  I had children who listened.  I had children who took orders and fell in line.  I had children who looked at me with adoring eyes. Children who believed everything I said.  I still have one child like that.  The other one became a teenager.

Tomorrow is my oldest son's birthday and he will be 13.  Technically it's just a number because the past year has basically paved the way for my downfall as the mom who had it all down.  He started having opinions of his own, he started letting other people influence his opinions and we started butting heads.....hard.  Think of two rhinos, charging each other, battling, stabbing each other with their sharp horns.  That basically sums it up.  I can see it in his eyes. I am an idiot.   The boy who looked at me like I could do no wrong now gives me a look, the one that makes me sit on my hands because I want to knock it off his face. He refuses to cut his hair shorter.  He is nasty to his brother. He is mouthy to me, and in front of people. He has said some of the most purposefully hateful things he can think of to me.  I have knocked him on his butt more than once.  His latest act of defiance is church. He is refusing to go.  He knows this is the one thing that rips my heart out the most so he is standing firm, heels dug in.  I know that he will relent eventually so I am not getting as worked up as I first was.  His brother and I still ask him to pray every night but he won't join us.  I still write Bible verses all over the house.  We still talk about God freely and sometimes just to annoy him, loudly.  Last night I was reading John 17 and 18 to his brother and we were talking about Jesus being arrested and he was sitting outside the bedroom listening.  I know I can't push because if I do it will just create more tension but it's honestly killing me.

We don't agree on some of his friends.  I don't approve at all.  And because I don't let them come over or him associate with them, I am the control freak where his dad allows it so that makes me the evil one.  I am the mean one.  I am the ruler of this totalitarian society where what I say goes.
I am fine with this.  I told him more than once he can hate me until he is 18 but it will be over my dead body that he acts like or associates with creeps, delinquents, etc.

That is just one side  to this boy.  He is beautiful, and funny and sweet, and so smart.  He is kind and he loves babies and little ones.  He is helpful, he is wise beyond his years.  Tonight I have been looking at years of pictures, tears running down my cheeks because  I just want that baby boy back.  Some of you parents reading this, those who have danced this dance are just nodding your heads or even slightly chuckling at my torment.  I know....this too shall pass, but I assure this last year has been an eternity, and if I make it through without Xanax or having a stroke I will be amazed.

Yesterday we had a sort of breakthrough.  I stood firm on something, I explained why and we started talking about tons of things.  I told him some of the stupid things I did when I was his age and older.  How I got suspended not once but twice.  I told him I don't expect him to be perfect,  He is going to do stupid ridiculous things. Irresponsible things.  My deep fear is that he will somehow get swept up in something bad, or something that he can't work his way out of.  That he will pull away from me completely, want to live with his dad which to me is the worst possible thing. ( Overdramatic maybe)
We talked and laughed for over two hours.  It was incredible.  I felt like I had that boy back.

 I am doing everything in my power to keep that boy, and to grow him into a wonderful, responsible, respectful man.