Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My alter ego

When I first saw this little cartoon girl I laughed.  I immediately texted it to my Best friend Tara and said I should be the poster child.   The more I looked at it though, this describes me to a T.  Anxious and assuming the absolute worst possible scenario.  I put some famous fiction writers to shame with the ridiculous scenes I come up with.  I really should just write a book based on some of the unfathomable things that run through my head.

This isn't true of every situation.  There are many aspects of my life where I am confident and content.

The one area that this cute little cartoon superhero comes into focus????? Relationships.

Every unanswered phone call, text, broken date, or changed plans send me into this tailspin of turmoil.  "If he isn't with me, and doesn't want to see me and isn't answering me, then he must be done, he must want to be with someone else"  Hellllooo crazy!  But I can't help it.  I don't have the confidence that it's anything but that.  This may not be true with the current relationship I am in but it was damn near close for a couple of others I have been in since my divorce. So you can excuse my fear and trepidation.

Another part of the issue is that I can't seem to accept the fact that there might be one person in the world who will take me as I am. Love me without fail.  Accept me and not point out every single thing that is wrong with me. (my ex-husband's favorite past time)  Why?  Because the minute you let your guard down, the minute you believe, the minute you become this happy, blissful person, life comes up and pulls the rug out from under you and laughs while you barrel roll down the stairs.
Yes I understand at this point I may need some intensive therapy.  I also know that those of you who know me and read this will want to grab me by the shoulders and shake me until my head snaps back.  I get it, I am not this horrible unworthy person, but.......

 I have a male friend (who is very happily married to an incredible woman) tell me that any man who doesn't want me is a fucking idiot.  In those exact words.  This was of course after he devoured some of my leftover garlic and rosemary chicken penne pasta, so that may have just been his stomach talking.

Anyway, this cartoon superhero and I seem to be the same person.

This has been the topic of conversation between my girlfriends and I for many a night over many glasses of wine. How do I get over this fear   Pray?  I say Joshua 1:9 on a daily basis.  I have scoured my Bible for Scripture on worry and fear and anxiety. Sometimes it helps.  Get over myself?  Oh I am over me, believe me.  I get going and I nearly jump outside myself to give me a swift kick in the ass.

Here's something one of my friends suggested: Lay it all on the line.  Oh great, thanks.  Because thinking about that is just going to end well.

Here is how this little scenario plays in my head: Said man walks into my house.  I greet him with a smile and kiss.  I say I really want to talk to you about something.  He begins to look uncomfortable and shift from one foot to the other.  I trudge on.  "I just have to know where we stand.  I like you so much (no, I will not say the other four letter word, that is just asking to be stabbed in the heart), I want to be with you and just you I want to know if this is what you want too?. You and me. At this point, I cannot imagine not being with you.  I want to make this work, make it last."   At this point all I can see is him turning on one heel, out of my house and out of my life forever.  Add some vicious laughter and that is what is happening in my head now.

This little ditty in my head keeps me from saying what I should,  When I can say what is on my mind in any other situation.  When the eloquent, biting, pithy words flow out of my mouth otherwise, when a person is deserved of a severe tongue-lashing gets that and then some.....this right here keeps me silent. 
I just can't risk being right.

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