Thursday, December 13, 2012

Hot Mess---Aisle 3

That would be me.....A great big mess.  I have a few ideas of how I got this way.  Single mother, works full time, pulled in 8,432 different directions on a daily basis.  I used to be so much more organized, so much more put together.  Well I am still pretty well put together, at least on the outside. 

On the inside I am going about 98 miles and hour every minute I am not sleeping.  Which by the way might be about 6 or 6.5 hours a night.  Right, like maybe I should be asleep right now instead of writing this???  I have too  many things to do to sleep, or as I like to tell my mother who gets pissed every time I say it "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

I used to be organized.....I try and be organized.....I fold things, put them away, rearrange, tidy up, and that lasts about five minutes.  I used to be able to have my house spotless in about three hours.  NOW I am lucky if one room is spotless for an hour.  This isn't because of kids, I used to clean circles around them.   

I used to have a perfectly balanced checkbook.  I still know how much is in my account but I haven't recorded anything in a register in about a year.  I had a planner with appointments, bills, birthdays, anniversaries, etc neatly written out.  I still know when those things are and pay bills but my planner is blank. 

I used to have motivation.  Like serious motivation. If I thought I was going to do something I did it and ten other things along with it.  Now I can plan on doing something and by the time I get home from work...forget it, I am in the chair watching 15 episodes of the The Office on Netflix  Its' almost like I cannot force myself to do what I need to do.  And i end up being so mad at myself, berating myself, and generally hating myself for awhile.

A well-meaning medical professional suggested ADD.  Someone else waltzed around the "depression" word.  NO, I don't think I am depressed.  I talked to my Dr and he just looked at me and said in his lovely Indian accent "Heather, you are a single mother trying to raise two boys, give yourself a break."  He did suggest I go talk to someone.  I haven't since I moved out. Oh I have talked to people, family, my sisters, girlfriends galore, but no one with the capability of telling me if I need a pill or a swift kick in the ass.

Part of my problem is I used to have someone to do this stuff for, besides my kids.  A reason to  keep a spotless house and cook meals, and generally create a home. Maybe I need that again.  I do cook, and clean and create a home for my kids, but there is a difference.  My kids aren't going to tell me to get off my ass and do something.  I can't lean on my kids, like I would a boyfriend/husband.   I am sure I will have it again, , maybe  almost have and don't realize it. Maybe.........BUT until then I can still fluff my hair, throw on my heels, put on my glossiest Victoria's Secret Lip Gloss and pretend the F*&K out not being a mess.

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