A mix of thoughts

It's late and I should be in bed. I complain about how tired I am during the day but at night I can't sleep. I have a million thoughts running through my head which is the same during the day except at night it's quieter and I don't have anything else to think of except my thoughts.

OK rambling a bit but like I said, I am tired. I wish I was one of those people who could just clear their mind and go to a calm, gentle place. I have tried this before, meditating if you will, I close my eyes and breathe deeply. Calmly, serenely. Breathe in.....Breathe out.....in....out... close my eyes and WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I close my eyes and start thinking of the million things I would like to accomplish in a day or I go back to the last fight jerkface and I had or the fact that although my printer cord committed suicide six months ago I still haven't found a replacement and need to do find one somewhere.

OK, now I am calm again and trying to think of something peaceful, relaxing, on a beach in Tahiti and I only have to listen to the sound of the waves, and sip of my drink, and WAIT, did I pack sunscreen? Why am I not fitting into the clothes I wore pre-children like I wanted to by now?

ALRIGHT! One more time. breathe deeply, think of a nice warm place where you are relaxing and spending time with your special someone. Close your eyes, and yes, I see that person and UGH! What is my problem? I am still thinking/obsessing over one particular person and by now I know it's a lost cause because well, you already know all the reasons and why torture myself with this faux happiness I have built in my head.

See, I think I am happier just letting my mind run 10,000 RPM's a minute. Even when I am vegging on the couch (which is never) or reading a book (locked in the bathroom so I can read two chapters at once), I am still thinking about multiple things.

Relaxation is not in the cards.