Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Slipping Down Life

I watched this movie once, I don't really remember all the specifics, but Lilli Taylor played this woman who was so emotionally fragile that all reality comes crashing down around her. She feels so deeply about another person that she basically obsessed with him. I love Lilli Taylor, she always plays these tragically fragile women and her emotions consume her. Anyway, I thought the title would be a good title for this installment because that is how I feel this week. Slipping down. I have always been extremely emotional and don't worry I am not close to cracking yet but this week has been hard.

I went to my counselling session today and it was actually pretty helpful. She didn't tell me anything I don't already know but it was nice to talk to someone who was completely unbiased. I am going back next week. by myself because the other party in this relationship still refuses. Something needs to happen though, I can't let this continue without making some kind of decision. My friend told me yesterday to "Shit or get off the pot". She was actually talking about something else but it still applies to this situation.

It basically all comes down to this, I just want to be happy. Not such a tall order one would think but happiness isn't always something that you just have. I just want to be happy and have happy children and live my life. I don't want to get sucked down into this abyss of emotions and be miserable and wake up 40 years later a bitter old woman. Right now I feel like that is where I am heading. I am so angry right now, angry at my husband and angry at myself for letting things get this way. They say it takes two to tango but it also takes two to destroy a marriage. She asked me today if I wanted to stay married or get divorced and right now at this very minute I want out. Not because it's hard, not because things aren't going my way but because I feel I deserve to be happy.

If happiness means being alone with my kids then so be it. I would rather be alone than be miserable.

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