Do you ever feel like you aren't good enough? Like you don't measure up or you feel like you continuously make mistakes. I do. I feel that way too often. I know that part of it is all the pressure I put on myself. I feel like I have to prove something, like the feeling of not being good enough drives me to try and be perfect. It usually blows up in my face. This isn't a pity party, its' just me trying to be Superwoman because I feel like I have to be. I'm divorced with two little boys, doing this all on my own and come hell or high water, I am going to do everything in my power to succeed.
Why do I feel like I am not good enough? Not pretty enough, not enough for anyone. It certainly isn't the way I was raised. My parents, my family, always told me how beautiful, wonderful, smart etc, I was even when I was a too-tall chubby girl with a horrid curly perm and coke bottle glasses. I know what it is, it comes from living with someone who for nearly 15 years pointed out everything you did wrong. How you screwed up, how you could have done better. And because I didn't succeed at the one thing I thought would last forever, I am really a failure.
OK, there is a point to this story and it's not me sitting her boo-hooing about poor pathetic me. I joined a walking book club at church (It's exactly what you think it is, we read, we walk, we talk) The book we are reading is Cast of Characters by Max Lucado. He has taken several characters from the Bible and modernized their stories. Most of these stories I know already. I have heard them growing up but with his unique spin on them, it helps you find yourself in these stories. So far the one I have identified most with so far is the Samaritan Woman. This is a story we discussed tonight.
She is the one who met Jesus at the well. She didn't know who he was, just a thirsty man looking for a drink. In one part of the story Jesus asks her to get her husband, but she has none and she is filled with shame. Yep, sometimes people ask me about my husband, and I get to say I am divorced and every once in awhile I get that look. The "oh" look. Like either poor pathetic you, or I wonder what you did or didn't do. Look, I am the one who initiated it , and I don't regret it, I am not pathetic or sad but thanks for your judgement on a situation you know nothing about
Jesus knew her story. Obviously, because he is Jesus. He knew she had been married five times (Me only once thank you) That she was currently living with a man who wasn't her husband (won't make that mistake again) He knew that people looked down on her and that she felt she wasn't worthy of being anything better. She didn't think there was anything more for her, that she didn't deserve any better. Jesus knew she did, and told her so. Jesus said to her "If you only knew the gift God has for you". He knew her past, he knew her troubles, and he still loved her.
This is where I struggle. I know God loves me. I know that no matter how much I screw up it's OK with him. I know there is a plan for me somewhere. My plan was not to be a single mother of two boys. To wonder what the hell I am doing on a daily basis and to be doing it alone. It would be so much easier for Jesus to show up at my door or to find him at a well, and tell me what I should be doing, but since that isn't going to happen I guess I wait and figure it out.
It's so easy to identify with her. Sometimes you just take the love that is there thinking it's what you need and want, only to realize it was the worst thing you could have done to yourself. That is what she did, rather than be alone after five husbands she just took the bed of a man who would have her (Big mistake sister, they only want one thing!) Like the Samaritan woman, I don't always feel worthy of anyone loving
me. More or less I am terrified of anyone really loving me because I am
worried I will screw it up or I just won't be good enough for them, and
they will just be gone (been there done that a couple times) Unlike the Samaritan woman however. I will not just be with anyone who will take me. A physical relationship only works for so long and only leaves you feeling worse than before (T-shirt anyone?)
Nope, I won't be her, but I can understand how she feels. I have had enough stones thrown at me for my decisions, been made to feel unworthy for too long. Like her I will take the faith in God and know that it is enough and that I am enough.