Happy New Year!!!!

Well, here it is......December 31st...Again..... This year Mama is actually spending it with the hoolies.  We are visiting with some friends, getting our Dance Party 4 on, and just letting the hoolies run wild till they pass out. I have a bottle of Pink Moscato which I am very excited about so should be a good night.

I could reflect on the last year.  It wasn't my worst year.  Hopefully it won't be my best year.  There was happiness, sadness, heartbreak, death, love, new friendships, excitement, devastation and everything in between.  I have many "goals" for the New year.  I will share them with you tomorrow, but for tonight I hope that everyone enjoys themselves, with families and friends, and please be safe no matter what you do. 
If 2012 was not your best year than may 2013 be more pleasant.  Hopefully you all have someone to kiss at midnight, as I will be smooching my two little men!!!

2013 is sure to be an interesting year for me and I hope to share it with everyone!!!!! Until then, thanks to everyone who has checked me out and encouraged me this year! Love you all........Mama

Hot Mess---Aisle 3

That would be me.....A great big mess.  I have a few ideas of how I got this way.  Single mother, works full time, pulled in 8,432 different directions on a daily basis.  I used to be so much more organized, so much more put together.  Well I am still pretty well put together, at least on the outside. 

On the inside I am going about 98 miles and hour every minute I am not sleeping.  Which by the way might be about 6 or 6.5 hours a night.  Right, like maybe I should be asleep right now instead of writing this???  I have too  many things to do to sleep, or as I like to tell my mother who gets pissed every time I say it "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

I used to be organized.....I try and be organized.....I fold things, put them away, rearrange, tidy up, and that lasts about five minutes.  I used to be able to have my house spotless in about three hours.  NOW I am lucky if one room is spotless for an hour.  This isn't because of kids, I used to clean circles around them.   

I used to have a perfectly balanced checkbook.  I still know how much is in my account but I haven't recorded anything in a register in about a year.  I had a planner with appointments, bills, birthdays, anniversaries, etc neatly written out.  I still know when those things are and pay bills but my planner is blank. 

I used to have motivation.  Like serious motivation. If I thought I was going to do something I did it and ten other things along with it.  Now I can plan on doing something and by the time I get home from work...forget it, I am in the chair watching 15 episodes of the The Office on Netflix  Its' almost like I cannot force myself to do what I need to do.  And i end up being so mad at myself, berating myself, and generally hating myself for awhile.

A well-meaning medical professional suggested ADD.  Someone else waltzed around the "depression" word.  NO, I don't think I am depressed.  I talked to my Dr and he just looked at me and said in his lovely Indian accent "Heather, you are a single mother trying to raise two boys, give yourself a break."  He did suggest I go talk to someone.  I haven't since I moved out. Oh I have talked to people, family, my sisters, girlfriends galore, but no one with the capability of telling me if I need a pill or a swift kick in the ass.

Part of my problem is I used to have someone to do this stuff for, besides my kids.  A reason to  keep a spotless house and cook meals, and generally create a home. Maybe I need that again.  I do cook, and clean and create a home for my kids, but there is a difference.  My kids aren't going to tell me to get off my ass and do something.  I can't lean on my kids, like I would a boyfriend/husband.   I am sure I will have it again, , maybe  almost have and don't realize it. Maybe.........BUT until then I can still fluff my hair, throw on my heels, put on my glossiest Victoria's Secret Lip Gloss and pretend the F*&K out not being a mess.

Spirit Shmirit

I am soooo not into Christmas this year.  I haven't been in about three years.  18 days away and I am totally unprepared. Purposely.  I don't want to do it.  I wish it were about January 11th.  Yes my house is decorated..  Yes I took my kids to see Santa.  But as far as the hustle and the bustle and the idiots standing in line shopping, and the Christmas cheer--BLAH...Bah Humbug.

  I can't even explain it, Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year.  I love Christmas songs but I cannot even listen to any on the radio.  Other than being forced to in every store I frequent I have listened to none. I sing them at church but my heart isn't in it. If it weren't for my kids I wouldn't even have decorated.  

I am trying really hard not to go into a store if I can help it.  I have done some shopping online and I bought some items directly that someone made.  I would like to have had more time to make some things, but since procrastination is one of my strong suits...that will not be happening.  I don't want to spend any money....I have none which helps, but I would rather spend an entire weekend with my family, having meals and time together than buy presents and rush here and there.

I used to be that way, spending gobs of money, getting gifts for people.  More than I needed to, more than I should have, but I do like buying presents for people.  I just want to start doing something more meaningful that buying my kids and niece more toys that they don't really need and won't play with after about two months.  Christmas is not a contest.  It shouldn't be about who can spend the most money and give the most gifts. 

We are doing some different things this year, just me and the boys.  We are learning about who St. Nicholas was.  We are concentrating more on the birth of Jesus than just Santa Claus and Elves and presents.  That is another thing, it pisses me off to no end that people don't say Merry Christmas.  I do.  To everyone I can.  I  may even start saying Happy Jesus's Birthday.  That should guarantee me a visit from the ACLU!!!!

Oh well, it will be over soon.  Still, if I have to listen to the chick at work talk about spending $900 on their kids Christmas presents, or keep singing stupid Christmas music at work I may have to beat someone to death with a candy cane

Thankful Thursday----Turkey Style

Happy Thanksgiving 2012!!!!! The ultimate Thankful Thursday.  So far it's been an interesting year.  Good, bad, ugly and downright depressing.  I have experienced every emotion possible this year from ecstatic joy to gut-wrenching grief.  Through it all I have always had people to turn to and help me through it, although I still have those "I am Heather, I can do it myself" moments.  I have so much to be thankful for.  More than things.  I have people.  Lots and lots of people.  Family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers who make me realize how wonderful my life is and how thankful I should be.

I won't be spending Thanksgiving with my family this year.  My boys are with their dad and I have to work tomorrow.  My family is two hours away so that is too much to do in one day to make a trip back and forth.  I will see them this weekend, and though it hurts to know they will all be in one place together I am going to a friends to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family.  **Nothing like a Holiday to meet 25 new people right?**

This year in particular, beside my parents and sisters and close friends there are two people who I am truly thankful right now.

My co-worker and friend and surrogate mother Margaret.  I love her whole family.  They have done so much for me in the last few years.  Picked up my kids, watched them when they were sick, had us over on holidays with their own family.  She is my voice of reason when I can't be with my mom to talk to her.  She is my strength when I need someone to talk to.  She has done nothing but be there for me.  She is the person I could call at 3AM and would get out of bed and come rescue me.  She is my angel and I love spending time with her and her whole family!

My other person is my friend Melissa.  I have known her for over 20 years and she is one of the strongest, bravest, most incredible women I have ever met.  A single mom , she single-handedly raised her daughter, put herself through school, worked hard and  has made an incredible life for herself by her own rules.  We have gone through periods where we haven't seen each other for years, even spoken because we are busy and live so far apart but when we do finally meet up it's like it was five minutes ago.  She has been my constant, my reassurance and has encouraged me to things I would not normally do.  I have the best adventures when we are together and she is one of the truest friends  I have ever had. I just wish she wasn't 15 hours away.

These are only a snippet of the incredible people in my life, the people who have been instrumental in making me the person I am, whether they know it or not.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.  Eat, drink, be merry, be safe.  Tell everyone you love them today.  Don't be afraid to let bygones be bygones, don't hold grudges.  Have a beautiful wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!  

 

Thankful Thursday

Oh yeah, I have a blog.  I remember now.  I was going to write a new, witty, inspirational post at least once, maybe twice a week.  It's November 1st.  My last post was September 17th.  I'd like to say I have  been oh so busy, a flurry of social activity and events that have kept me busy, but sadly no.  I'm just a lazy slacker.

So back to the post title.  Thankful Thursday.  Being it's November and in about three weeks we will be sitting around a table eating a bird and watching football, I figured I might as well start this month off with some brutal honesty about what I am truly thankful for.  Not the cute, smarmy, Hallmark, "I love my family and kids and the people who lift me up" stuff, but the God's honest truth.

So here goes nothing:

1.  My Brain.  Yes, my brain.  Yes, I know we all have one but some of us out there use it as a hat rack instead of what it was intended for, which is to think.  Using my brain allows me to expand my knowledge, allows me to have full use of my free will, and make my own decisions.  I don't freak out at the drop of a hat if I can't figure something out (usually) and can use said brain to make an informed decision about how I should proceed.  I like being smart, knowing more than I should, and keeping people on their toes.

2.  My Cynicism.  OK, so that isn't always a good thing, but over the years I have adapted a cynical outlook on the world in general,  I call it my BS filter.  I can still see the good in the world, in people, but I am also good at spotting the liars, jerks, creeps and people who are just looking to use you up and spit you out. I wish I had the sunny, everyone is happy, lets all hold hands and sing disposition that some people have but I just don't.  Call it experience, call it being jaded. I call it being smart and safe.  If you are genuinely someone that warrants my time and I want in my life you will know it, and you will see the sweet sunshiney side of me.

3. My Honest Friends.  You know who you are ladies....you are the ones who keep me in check.  The ones who aren't afraid to tell me if I am doing something dumb, tell me how it really is and what I should really do.  There are no pretty pictures painted here.  No rainbows and puppy dogs.  No Cinderella stories.  We are brutally honest and blunt, and risk pissing each other off in the process but in the end,these are the women who have my back and can trust with my deepest, darkest secrets, my most random idiotic thoughts, and my sanity.

4. My Problems.  Yes, my problems.   Let's see, I'm broke, like flat busted broke.  My kids are determined to send me to the psych ward any day now, I miss my parents and family horribly and there are days when I am sure that the end of my rope burned up in my hands.  There are people at work who are hell bent on making my life miserable because they are, and I may or may not have a job in the next six months or so.  HOWEVER, being broke has forced me to get very creative, realize I don't need half the crap I have and enjoy the free things in life.  My kids make me want to be a better person every day and try my damnedest to be strong and show them how to be good, responsible people.  My feelings of helplessness have brought me back to God.  I knew there was something missing in my life, something I tried to fill with other things, and deep down I knew that I had cut out God and I needed to turn back to him.  I can't explain it, its different for everyone, and I don't feel like I am a better person because of it, I feel more complete within myself.

Thankfulness can be found from the oddest places, so instead of listing the obvious, take a look inside and think about the things in life that make you who you are.

Where I am now

It's 12:04 on September 17th.  It's my birthday.  I am 39 years old.  THIRTYNINE.  Really.  I can't believe I have been on this earth for 39 years.  I don't feel 39, I don't look it, and I sure as hell don't act it.  Side note:  To anyone who knows and loves me, if I ever act my age you have my permission to take me out and shoot me  

If you had asked me how I thought I would be spending my 39th birthday 10 years ago, I would have told you with my husband and kids.  Alas, the husband has been erased from the equation, so here I am divorced with two beautiful boys.  Flat busted broke, but happy.  I can't really even remember 10 years ago.  I had one son, just a little guy at the time and I think I was still happy. 

I am happy now.  I really am.  For all the days that I want to pull the covers over my head, hide, cry and feel sorry for myself, there are hundreds of days that I am just happy.  I chose to be, for my sanity and my children's well-being.  And if that means being on my own at 39 trying to rebuild my life then so be it.  Some call it selfish.  I hear the people saying "Marriage is hard work and you can't just give up"  I didn't give up easy.  I fought hard for a long time but like I have said in the past, it turns into insanity when you are the only one fighting. 

Happiness is the one thing I strive for every day.  Life is too short to be pissy all the time.  Look for the good in people and situations and you can usually find it.  In the last few years I have found just that. My faith has been restored and renewed.  I still have my days, I can't be Susie Sunshine all the time.  They don't make a pill strong enough for that, but I really do try.  I have a fantastic family.  I would be lost without them.  I have incredible friends and people who love me and I love them right
back. I have the unconditional love of two boys whom I would be lost without.  I have no right not to be happy.

So that is me right now.  Happy....Silly.....funny......sarcastic....fun-loving....slightly crazy....etc

The Samaritan Woman

Do you ever feel like you aren't good enough?  Like you don't measure up or you feel like you continuously make mistakes.  I do.  I feel that way too often.  I know that part of it is all the pressure I put on myself.  I feel like I have to prove something, like the feeling of not being good enough drives me to try and be perfect.  It usually blows up in my face.  This isn't a pity party, its' just me trying to be Superwoman because I feel like I have to be.  I'm divorced with two little boys, doing this all on my own and come hell or high water, I am going to do everything in my power to succeed.

Why do I feel like I am not good enough?  Not pretty enough, not enough for anyone.  It certainly isn't the way I was raised.  My parents, my family, always told me how beautiful, wonderful, smart etc, I was even when I was a too-tall chubby girl with a horrid curly perm and coke bottle glasses.  I know what it is, it comes from living with someone who for nearly 15 years pointed out everything you did wrong. How you screwed up, how you could have done better.  And because I didn't succeed at the one thing I thought would last forever, I am really a failure.

OK, there is a point to this story and it's not me sitting her boo-hooing about poor pathetic me.  I joined a walking book club at church (It's exactly what you think it is, we read, we walk, we talk)  The book we are reading is Cast of Characters by Max Lucado.  He has taken several characters from the Bible and modernized their stories.  Most of these stories I know already.  I have heard them growing up but with his unique spin on them, it helps you find yourself in these stories.  So far the one I have identified most  with so far is the Samaritan Woman.  This is a story we discussed tonight.

She is the one who met Jesus at the well.  She didn't know who he was, just a thirsty man looking for a drink.  In one part of the story Jesus asks her to get her husband, but she has none and she is filled with shame.  Yep, sometimes people ask me about my husband, and I get to say I am divorced and every once in awhile I get that look.  The "oh" look.  Like either poor pathetic you, or I wonder what you did or didn't do.  Look, I am the one who initiated  it , and I don't regret it, I am not pathetic or sad but thanks for your judgement on a situation you know nothing about

Jesus knew her story.  Obviously, because he is Jesus.  He knew she had been married five times (Me only once thank you)  That she was currently living with a man who wasn't her husband (won't make that mistake again)  He knew that people looked down on her and that she felt she wasn't worthy of being anything better. She didn't think there was anything more for her, that she didn't deserve any better.  Jesus knew she did, and told her so.  Jesus said to her "If you only knew the gift God has for you".  He knew her past, he knew her troubles, and he still loved her. 

This is where I struggle.  I know God loves me. I know that no matter how much I screw up it's OK with him. I know there is a plan for me somewhere. My plan was not to be a single mother of two boys.  To wonder what the hell I am doing on a daily basis and to be doing it alone.  It would be so much easier for Jesus to show up at my door or to find him at a well, and tell me what I should be doing,  but since that isn't going to happen I guess I wait and figure it out.

It's so easy to identify with her. Sometimes you just take the love that is there thinking it's what you need and want, only to realize it was the worst thing you could have done to yourself.  That is what she did, rather than be alone after five husbands she just took the bed of a man who would have her (Big mistake sister, they only want one thing!)  Like the Samaritan woman, I don't always feel worthy of anyone loving me. More or less I am terrified of anyone really loving me because I am worried I will screw it up or I just won't be good enough for them, and they will just be gone (been there done that a couple times)  Unlike the Samaritan woman however.  I will not just be with anyone who will take me.  A physical relationship only works for so long and only leaves you feeling worse than before (T-shirt anyone?) 

Nope, I won't be her, but I can understand how she feels.  I have had enough stones thrown at me for my decisions, been made to feel unworthy for too long.  Like her I will take the faith in God and know that it is enough and that I am enough.

It's almost over...sniff sniff

I have been on vacation for almost two weeks.  I am loving every minute of it.  Every summer , my ex and I can each have the kids for two consecutive weeks without the other seeing the kids and its my two weeks.  Let me be clear: I NEVER want to go back to work.  At least not where I work.  I could easily stay home with my kids. Well, when they are in school that is. 

We have had a great couple of weeks...other than me threatening to beat them for arguing every five minutes, its been great.  We have slept in nearly every day, ate early dinners, played outside, everything I can't do every other day I work. 

One thing I have not done at all is run...there just wasn't really a way to leave them, or we ate too late or it was too hot, excuses I know.  I am supposed to be running a 5K Saturday and I will probably just flop big time but it's my own fault.

did I say how much I don't want to go back to work.  my Yoga pants are just so comfy.

We have listened to music all day.  Had no TV days (harder on them than me), cleaned, messed it up, cleaned again, gone to the movies, picked blueberries, swam, went on bike rides.

Seriously, I could just never go back to work again..........

One of my bestest friends and her son came to visit for the day, we had so much fun even though it rained the whole day!  I love this girl and miss her so much, I wish I could see her every day.

The boys and I went fishing with a friend of mine.  They were rotten brats, but in a good way, they just picked at each other constantly.  We had so much fun, the little one caught all the fish which put big boy in a bad mood which led to more torture and picking.  But I think we got invited back sometime so I guess they weren't too bad......

I read a couple books...planned on reading about five...yeah right.....watched some seriously bad scary movies......watched almost every episode of the The Office on Netflix again (Yes I know Jim Halpert isn't a real person, just shut up) 

I am really going to have a hard time getting out of bed Monday morning..........

A Beautiful Angel

I am almost at a loss for words.  Which is rare I know.  Instead of words I wish I could make you see how I feel or even feel how I feel.  Through all of this people keep telling me I'm sorry, and I appreciate it but it's not me who needs the I'm sorry's.  I cannot even describe the devastating grief I have witnessed the last two days.   I never like to see people I love hurt or upset but this level of hurt is unlike anything  have experienced in my life.

I have lost people in my life, my grandparents, great aunts and uncles.  I have lost people to illness who went too soon and too young, but I have never been to the funeral of a child and I never want to repeat this experience ever.  If there was a way I could have made this better for Nicole, I would have.  I would have cut off an appendage if it meant any peace or relief for her.

Since Thursday I have been trying to explain to people the bond between the two of  them.  I know mothers and daughthers are close , my sisters and I are extremely close with our mother, but this was unlike any bond I have ever seen.  They grew up together, they were each others everything. Nicole and Cory did everything together.  Nicole fought tirelessly for Cory, she championed for her, Cory had a terrible struggle with mental illness.  Nicole accepted that and was never ashamed for Cory, none of us were. All anyone wanted was for Cory to feel better.and her mother did everything on God's Green earth to make that happen. To look at her you wouldn't think to be afraid of her, this tiny little woman, but I would never get between her and her children.

Cory was a beautiful child, the spitting image of her mother.  She grew into a beautiful young woman and although I didn't see her much the last few years I kept track of all of them.  Every time I talked to my mom she said "I saw Nicole and Cory and they said to say hi"  She was artistic and creative, she was funny and smart.  I loved seeing pictures of the kids and Cory and Nicole on Facebook or getting messages from Nicole.  Cory was so many things to so many people.  So many people got up and spoke today including myself, and I totally blanked halfway through.

If I could do it over this is what I would say: "Nicole, Tim, and Jake, even though Cory is gone she will always be here.  She will be in every part of your day, she will forever be a twinkle in the sky, she will be a random gust of wind, a sudden downpour, and in every sunrise and sunset.  Cory is your angel now, forever looking down on you, at peace and no longer tormented, and although you would give anything to have her back, you have to keep going,  Nicole you are a fantastic mother, you have been for 19 years and you will continue to me a fantastic mother to Jake.  I will do everything in my power to help you.  I will take middle of the night phone calls and texts, I will be your punching bag when you are angry (literally)  I will cry with you and for you, anything at all to help you,  No one wants to you to forget Cory, she is too special and precious for that.  I just pray that one day you can celebrate her life and not grieve eternally for her death."

I love you Nicole, you are and always have been an inspiration to many.

today-yesterday-whatever

I started this post on Thursday and here it is Friday again.  I meant to finish it up yesterday but I keep getting sidetracked.  I just can't think, my mind is so jumbled up right now that if any of this makes sense by the time I am done it will be  a miracle, in fact if you are still reading this and haven't thought I am rambling and make no sense and just closed the page,  then thank you for still being here.

Let me just say I had the most Fantastic day and the worst day all in one.  And just for reference my fantastic part had nothing to do with the worst part. 

Fantastic because I got to spend time with a really cool guy whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I had the best dinner and even though I think I talked wayyyyy too much I think he had fun too.  I really could expound on this subject but I know he is going to read this and I don't want to give him an inflated ego!  All I am going to say it's taking getting used to,  this being treated nicely thing, I have to keep telling myself I deserve it, but am just afraid to.

Now lets get to the worst part.  Before about 8:30 tonight I would have said the worst part was the unpleasant nastiness I have to deal with on a daily basis at work.  However that all seems quite trivial after the phone call I got.  I found out tonight that my friend, my dear sweet beautiful friend lost her daughter in a terrible accident.  This beautiful creature was only 19 years old, I was there the day she was born, I remember her as a bouncy blonde 5 year old and even though I haven't really seen her much in the past few years I kept up with her and her mom on Facebook.  It's 1:10 right now and there is no way I can sleep.  Every day we hear about the terrible accidents that happen and shudder and say that poor mother, I feel so bad for her.  But we are done a minute later because we don't know them and it doesn't affect us, but this does affect me.  This girl was her mother's life.  They looked like sisters.  She was so talented, and beautiful.  She was a sister, a daughter, a friend and right now its easy to be pissed at God for taking such a unique spirit from this world..  That is the part of my faith that I struggle with the most, that things like this are "God's plan"  If God really knew her then he wouldn't have taken her away.   As a mother, I would be irate if someone told me it was God's plan to take my child from this earth.  All I can now is pray for her mom and her brother and her step-dad and try and be there in any way possible for them.

I will remember July 5 2012 forever for two very different reasons....one good and one bad

Thankful Thursday

Thursday is almost over so I guess I need to hurry and do this. I told myself I was going to keep this up and post more often and make people laugh and be more introspective and work on my literary skills...and I haven't. Anyway....Thankful Thursday has been a far and few between and normally I reserve this post for a person in my life but today I guess I really need to take a step back and just be thankful for things in general.

The truth is, I haven't felt very thankful lately. I have felt frazzled, and overly-emotional, and just frustrated with life itself. I can't get ahead, I can't get any sleep, I can't get organized and I can't get my kids to stop fighting. I feel like a terrible mother half the time (let's save that topic for another post). I feel like there is something I am doing wrong. But then I think, I chose this life. I chose to be a single mother, one on income, trying to raise two rowdy, crazy boys to be respectable, respectful gentleman, so I can't really complain right???? No matter how tough my life seems, I can know that I am doing it how I want it, and don't have to worry aobut being told that I am doing everything wrong. I can leave dishes in the sink if I want, I can not fold the basket of clothes at my feet until tomorrow. I can do whatever I want. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and if I screw it up I have no one to blame but me......so here is my list of Thankful things today

My boys - the heat this week - the food in my fridge - my new church and the wonderful people there -losing a tiny bit of weight this week - people who make me laugh - the cool chicks I met last week - a new book that came in the mail today - being called beautiful this week by someone who wasn't a family member -the prospect of good things to come -  and last but not least the fact that my four year old finally conked out and went to sleep.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Its that time again.....Randomness of all sorts......yes, it's Random Thought Tuesday........hold on....

I'm pretty sure I have ADD now, I can't concentrate on anything....at all....in fact while writing this sentence I was jumping over to Pinterest laughing hysterically at really funny stuff......I blame my lack of concentration on my Smartphone....and my kids.......and the fact that I would rather be doing anything other than what I am supposed to be doing....you know besides the fact I have a million things on my mind like whether or not to uproot my children and move across the state....

I found my Twilight movie, yeah I know you didn't know it was lost...but it was and I was sad....guess what I will be watching tomorrow...

I am running Thursday......another 5K and I am hoping to improve on my last race time.....not only for personal satisfaction but also to rub it in to peoples faces who run slower than me and are mean to me/...

Sorry, just had to pull myself back away from Pinterest/Facebook

I have been on a serious 80's hair band binge recently....listening to Bon Jovi right now....

One of these days I am going to stand up and tell a couple people at work to Shut the F**k up, it's going to happen.....

Oops, just back from Pinterest

My fridge has undergone a huge transformation, there is not a speck of bad food in it.  The only thing remotely unhealthy are the Popsicles for the boys in the freezer, no more junk,  I am not letting the boys drink anymore sugary juice or pop, however their hypocrite mother still sneaks a pop from time to time.

I was in Tim Horton's today and some woman ordered a coffee with 8 creams and 10 sugars....Really?  Are you sure you wanted coffee?  I like creamer and yummy stuff but that isn't even coffee anymore

I still can't decide what to do about moving....it makes perfect sense and no sense all at once....I am afraid of making the wrong choice, I have very few reasons to stay and a million reasons to go....I feel like I have screwed up my children enough by getting divorced and don't want to do any more damage or make a complete and utter disastrous mistake......I wish someone would just tell me what to do.

I have to realize that no matter how much you need a reason why someone isn't in your life anymore, you just aren't going to get one and you have to just live with it.....you can't make people communicate or tell you why.....and it's not your fault so stop trying to figure out what you did wrong....

I wish it was as easy to break up with a girlfriend as it is a guy.  I really need to get out of some friendships that are just dragging me down.

I am in love with Instagram.......I was so sad when I lost my camera but with this little app I can make any picture I take with my phone look fantastic.....

I'm reading four books at once again.  Three fiction and one non-fiction and I guess if I read a chapter here and there of each I might be done by Fall....of course putting the phone down and staying off the puter would help

I am thankful every day that Steve Jobs created the Ipod...it has enabled me to miss several inane conversations at work.....

I need to go paint my toenails, tomorrow is flip flop day at work....you know Fun At Work....the clever ploy by our employer to trick us into thinking we are enjoying ourselves instead of realizing we should have stayed in college and gotten real jobs...

And last but not least, the last random thought in my head.....sitting here patiently waiting for someone to make a move or something because I am really not a mind reader and have no idea what's going on in their head....

Three day blur

Why do three day weekends go by so fast? They all so start out nice and easy then before you know it you are driving home in traffic with 10,000 other cars all racing to get home, cars unpacked, fall into bed then get up and go into work the next day.  Let me be clear: I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW..  I need an extra day to catch up on this three day weekend and we were only gone away from home a little over 24 hours.  I should be in bed snoozing and of course I am not.  I will be crabby and cranky and tired in the morning, but it will be Tuesday which is closer to the weekend than when I start a normal week.

Avery and her Minions

 Owen is done with preschool, so it will be full days at daycare for him, to which he replied: "I don't want to take naps!"  I don't want naps either because without them he falls right asleep at night.  Tonight they fell asleep well but why wouldn't they have?  We had a very busy weekend

Watering Grandma's flowers

• Birthday party for a cute little 3 year old on Saturday.  Lots of swimming and running and swimming and cake and ice cream
• Church Sunday morning with a trip to the toy store after to "look around"
• Drove across the state that afternoon
• Played at Grandma and Papa's while Mama went shopping with Grandma (Mama got a new top and some yummy lotion from B&B Works-thanks Grandma)
• Cookout later 
• Ice cream on the way out to Aunt Erin's
• Playing till bedtime with Avery
• Awakened at 6:45 by the little ones (BOO)
• Evan went target shooting with Uncle John, (Best BIL Ever!!!!)
• Avery's Bday party - rescheduled from Sunday because she got the flu
• Driving back across the state

Anatomy of a Song

This song is everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Everyone has heard it in it's original form or one of the many knockoffs.  I first heard it about six months ago.  I was in the car and heard about the last half of it.  I never heard the title or artist but thanks to YouTube you can just put part of a song title in and usually get it.  When I first hear a song, especially one I like, I really listen to it, the words, the melody, the beat, the whole thing.  This one is particular had my attention.  I can usually listen to a song an apply it to either something past or present in my life.  Songs remind me of people, places, happenings, memories and because I listen to music so much sometimes that song becomes a part of that time in my life. When I associate a song with a happy time in my life, or a person then that person is gone, I can't listen to that song anymore. 

This is the perfect break-up song.  Not  because listening to it makes you feel better but because it perfectly embodies what men and women do once broken up.

Let's start with him:  He's happy, then he's not and he decides to be done. "I told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company, but that was love and that's an ache I still remember"  which means, I love you but not enough, and don't want to be around you anymore. Once guys are done, they are done.  I have never been able to understand how they can just shut it off , compartmentalize and move on.  Next verse: " So when we found that we could not make sense. well you said that we could still be friends, but I'll admit that I was glad it was over" Translation:  Thanks for shouldering the responsibility and saying we can be friends. Now I can just walk away and not feel bad about breaking your heart. And my favorite, the ever so lovely chorus "But you didn't have to cut me out, make it like it never happened as though we were nothing, I don't even need your love but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough"   Aww, poor you,  you don't need our love but it hurts your feelings that we want to cut you right out of our lives. Guess what?  Girls, Women cannot be friends, not right away and sometimes not ever.   Women invest more energy and time and when it ends, we end up apologizing, for being the one more in love.  Signals get crossed, feelings get crushed and people feel like stupid idiots for feeling that way, and one person, Men or Women, get to walk off thinking that you can still be friends while the other party shoulders the blame or resentment. No way should you get to feel good about this pal.

Women don't get off easy in this either. We are no picnic ourselves.   Let's dissect:  "Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over"  I love that line.  We always get screwed over, at least we think we do.  We spend HOURS, sometimes day analyzing the entire relationship with our girlfriends. trying to make ourselves feel validated, feel better, seem like the better person in all of it.  "You said that you could let it go, and I don't wanna catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know"  Man we can be vindictive bitches.  You broke up with us but how dare you be upset about it and think of us.  Really?  I am sure that somewhere down in the male brain and psyche they think about their ex-girlfriends.  At least that is what we want to think.  That they get all misty-eyed and sentimental and think, how could I have let her go???  Doubtful but you can't fault a girl for making herself feel better.

What men don't get is women need Closure.  Closure to women isn't just taking down a picture, changing our profile picture on Facebook or heading to the gym. Closure to a woman is eradicating every trace of you from our lives.  Unfriending you on Facebook.  Burning things in some cases.  Mailing your belongings back to you, making it though as you never even existed, and making our girlfriends take that solemn vow to never speak of you again, unless of course there is juicy news or details about the new slut you are dating!!!!  Sorry guys, women don't take it well when you dump them, and if you feel bad, well, "Now you're just somebody that we used to Know"

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails

I have two boys.  I am sure if you have read this blog at all, or looked at the picture on the sidebar you know that, but I do.  I love them to pieces.  Big surprise since I am their mother and carried them each for nine months (About two weeks longer for the oldest)  They are funny.  They are loud.  They burp and fart, which they think is hilarious.  They are fascinated with things like Pokemon, Legos, Video games and Nerf Guns.  They torture each other, and in turn me.  They ask me about a zillion questions a day.  They barge in without knocking.  They tattle on each other constantly.  (I have told them that unless someone drops the F Bomb or is bleeding I don't care)  They cannot walk more than five steps without jumping or zig-zagging.  All of these things I love about them.  They are 11 and 4 and if I could I would keep them innocent and sweet forever but I can't.

I would like to shield them from the horrors of the world.  I want them growing up to see the good in people.  To be happy and positive.  But most of all I just want them to be little boys for as long as they can.  I don't let them watch much television outside of cartoons or educational programming.  There are no Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto type video games allowed in my house.  The oldest is only allowed at certain people's houses.  I am a little more lenient with music and books but I still don't let what they read or listen to go by without my approval.   I listen to other kids talk about what they watch on TV and movies they go see and sometimes my oldest will ask me he can't. I know I asked the same question of my parents.  I mean, I am 38 years old and just in the last couple of years saw the R rated version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  It's not so much the sex and the violence and language (because Mama has a potty mouth) its that there is a whole lifetime of that stuff and I just want them to enjoy being kids. 

My oldest just turned 11 yesterday and I can already see the seeds of rebellion planted.  I know that he hears things at school, probably has a more colorful language than I know of, and if he is creative like I was watches TV shows or movies at other peoples houses.  In two short years he will be in 7th grade, the age I was when I first tasted alcohol, which was purchased by a friends dad.    He takes Sex ed this year in Science class, which should be interesting.  I'll have to make sure and keep any materials he brings home away from the youngest, who would probably take it to preschool. 

I know I can't keep them from the world, but while I can they are going to be kids, and enjoy the the things kids should, which is playing with toys, playing outside and riding bikes.  I know I will have to give up control eventually which terrifies me but for now, sorry boys, you are under my thumb.  Because as we all know......Mama knows it all!!

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...

Because I think too much, (see two posts below)  I was thinking of what truly makes me happy.  I have been writing more to try and clear my head, so this is my unofficial list:

Sunshine * Evan and Owen * Seeing Friends* My Family * Happy people * Music* Talking* Dancing* Seeing the numbers drop on the scale * Smaller clothes * Coffee * Books * Driving with the window down * Telling Funny stories * being with people who love me * Going barefoot * Writing * Hearing good news about others * holding babies * the physical closeness of another person * Good grades from Evan * finding something I lost * Old Family pictures * Dogs * Listening to Owen tell a story * Making something with my own hands * Simplicity *

After I made this list I can see that there aren't many tangible things listed.  Material things do not make me truly happy.  I have always said I would rather live in a cardboard box and be truly happy than have everything in the world.  The things that truly make me happy are not things at all but people and moments in life.

Wordless Wednesday

These two babies are what keeps me going every day...

The power of overthinking

It's my own fault and I do it to myself every time.  I think. And then I think some more, and somewhere along the line of my overthink my wild imagination takes over and I am in a panic.  I have, in my mind a situation that is so out of control, so unfathomable that I am sure it's the truth.  I have made a mistake.  I totally Fu*&ed up, no fixing it now.  And for days, it's all I can think about, over and over in my head, telling myself how stupid and worthless I am because of one stupid thing.

I can usually talk myself off the ledge, or I call my girls Rebecca and Tara and have them talk me down.  And then I am fine.  For days.  And then it only takes one little thing to send me back into my tailspin.

I really need to learn to stop thinking.  Someone suggested mediation but that would mean I would have to stop thinking and pretty sure that is impossible.  I tried it once and just ended up thinking about all the things I could have been doing while I sat there trying to think about nothing.  Unless I am sleeping (and then I have vivid dreams) my mind is going non-stop.  What I am doing, what I need to do, what I would like to do, who I would like to see, where I would like to be, etc, etc, etc.

This is the the only time I wish I was more like a guy, because as we know, they never think about anything.....

Happily ever after is so five minutes ago....

Seriously girls, there is no such thing as Prince Charming.  If you believe that then you probably also believe that you have a unicorn in your back yard.   Guess what? There is also  no such thing as happily ever after.  I don't say this because I don't believe in love, or marriage.  I do believe in those things.  I just don't buy into the whole Disney version of happily ever after.  I am not sitting around singing "someday my prince will come".  I don't think Prince Charming is coming to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to eternal happiness and neither should you.

I get annoyed at the women who think that eventually Prince Charming is just going to show up. At their doorstep.  With their  freakin shoe.  It's not going to happen.  I don't care how many Disney movies or romantic movies you have watched.  The guy is not going to show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night declaring his everlasting love for you.  If he does, he is probably a crazy stalker, because it's the middle of the night! 


I don't understand women who think they will only be happy with a man.  Ladies if you can't be happy by yourself, then you won't be happy with a man.  Prince Charming is not going to complete your life.  You are going to do that by becoming a complete person.   A man is not going to suddenly make your life perfect.

Contrary to what you think after reading that first paragraph, I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I am sure I will meet someone that I want to spend a long time (possibly forever) with.

I believe that two people meet, like each other, get along, be friends, have fun together, be there for each other, be lovers, be each others everything, drive each other crazy and manage not to kill each other.  If this is someone you marry, fantastic.  If this is someone you know and are with for a long time, great. If it's someone you meet and have a short relationship with, so be it.

 Right now, I am living my life, and the more I live it and look at the people around me,  the more I believe that a very small percentage of married people are truly happy and will last a long time. I know people who have good marriages, strong marriages that can withstand the turbulence and tragedy that some cannot.  These people bring out the best and sometimes the worst in each other and work together to make their marriages/relationships strong.  They are a team who together can get through anything.  The problem becomes when only one person tries and the other person lets them do all the work.  Too many people give up, I gave up but I tried for a very long time.

Love and true relationships are give and take, equal parts of good and bad, and if you are thinking that Prince Charming is going to make you exquisitely happy all on his own, then you better go hop on that unicorn and ride away.

 

Overstimulated

Seriously, where did all of this technology come from.  Four years ago I was just a girl with an email address.  Then came Myspace.  Signed up, looked around, prettied up my page with music and pictures and a cute background.  Then someone says "join Facebook", so I do and at first I wasn't that impressed, but soon became entranced with the cooler, hipper older brother of Myspace.  A couple of years go by and now we have SmartPhones.  My first one wasn't much, I could get online but not much else.

Then last year I got a phone like all the other cool kids.  Now there is texting (which I will admit I thought was stupid) and Words with Friends, and yes, even Twitter (again, great big hypocrite right here, go back far enough and you will read a post about the evils of Twitter) .

Now, Now Now they bring out Pinterest.  Serious crack cocaine for grown women.  How am I supposed to work during the day?  I have Facebook to update and peruse, Tweets awaiting my attention, WWF people getting angry because it's my turn, Texts, Im's and emails.

I know I need to just put my phone down and not look at it, not log on to Pinterest and just focus, but alas I cannot, I am worse than a crack addict and I have no problem admitting that.

I do have my limits, I won't look at my phone when driving (usually), when checking out at the store (rude) or when in the bathroom.

I got lectured by my father the other day.   I was in his office watching a basketball game with him and texting a friend at the same time.  He had my attention, we were talking and watching the game but he still lectured me to put my damn phone down.  I may as well have been 15 again.

Is there a 12 step program for SmartPhones??? And does anyone really use MySpace anymore???

This is what I wanna do

So it's January 31st.  A little late for so-called resolutions.  Not too late for goals.  I have eleven more months to do something with 2012.  I feel like I let 2011 down.  Sure I did some fun stuff, I worked hard on some things, but I don't feel like I did enough.  I have been home for about 5 days with a sick kid so I have had PLENTY of time to think, which is one thing I shouldn't have.  My mind is dangerous when it's idle and has too much time, and I end up worrying and making myself sick.  So this is what I have come up with so far:

1. Run a half-marathon:  I say run jokingly, run/walk is more like it.  I did the 10 mile Crim last year so what's and extra few miles right?  Also I am bumping up my races, no more wimpy 5k's, when possible I am doing the 10K's.  I also need to work on my mental block when it comes to running, my body can do it longer than my mind let's me and I need to break that.  


2.  Get stupid skinny:  OK, let me clarify, I am not on a goal to be a stick, I have never been tiny, I have hips and a booty and always will but I have been fat for so long I want to get as low as I possibly can.  And I am not doing anything unhealthy or dangerous, I eat OK.  Just lots of more exercise and cutting out crap, which would be fine if I could stop going to McDonald's for Coke.  I want my tight body back that I had in high school.

3.  Go on a date:  Seriously, I have been divorced over a year, separated for two, Not one freakin date.  I am beginning to feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, like a disease.  I don't really want a boyfriend but can a girl get taken out to dinner or something????? 

4.  Go on a trip by myself: I have always had this fantasy of getting in my car and just driving, windows down, music blaring, hot sun beating down. Stopping in different places and just basically going no particular place. Stopping when I want, sleeping when I want, eating when I want.  

5.  Take my oldest to a cool concert:  I am so glad my children like the same music I do.  My oldest is as addicted to his Ipod as I am to mine. It's hard to explain the feeling I have for music.  It's on constantly in the house and the car.   I have introduced them to the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel and the Beastie Boys all with raging success.  I don't care how far we have to drive, I am taking him to something cool this summer.  We are hoping and praying that The Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons come within a three state distance to us!   


I have a million other things to do this year, projects to finish, places to go, books to read, movies to watch, people to entertain, but these are my top five.  This will probably keep me busy enough so I don't have too much time to thing about what I really want.....

What a difference a year makes!

I 'm not exactly sure what happened except that I woke up one day about a year ago and thought "when did I let myself get this fat?"  Between two kids and the stress of a marriage gone bad, I had just stopped trying.  My divorce was final one year ago today and I realized that I had gotten myself back part of the way, but needed to come back full circle.

I started Weight Watchers last February against my will with my friend Jen.  I wanted to lose weight but hated the idea of keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth.  The first go round I only lost 9 pounds.  But I had also added Zumba to the mix and that was helping.    The next 13 weeks I lost about 15 more pounds and started running.  Running is something I never thought I would do.  I have these acid flashbacks of high school basketball practice and a sadistic basketball coach who thought nothing of having us run a mile before and after practice in addition to the running during.  With the help of some great people, some who I met during Zumba or running races I am only 20 pounds away from goal. 

I want this bad.  I feel like the Heather I used to be a long time ago.  Not just because I am thinner, but because I feel like a person again.   I truly hated myself and when I look at pictures from the last 10 years I want to burn them.  Losing weight isn't just physical, it's mental because unless you have ever been "fat"  you have no idea what it is to look at yourself in the mirror and despise what you see.  

I will do this........