It was a Beautiful Day.

June 26th 2011 is a day that will go down as one the most memorable in my life.  It was the day I saw U2 in concert.  I have been a huge U2 fan since War, and this is the first time I have had the chance to get tickets.  We tried about 20 years ago and they sold out so back in November 2009 when I got the chance again I said Hell Yeah! The concert was at Spartan Stadium at Michigan State University, one of my favorite places in the world.

We were supposed to go in June 2010 and then Bono decided to hurt his back, which meant one more year of waiting.  This was worth the wait.  I went with my friend Nicole (the person I tried to go with 20 years ago)  and her niece Micala.  We had general admission, which means if you want a good spot, you get there super early and wait in line all day.  I  will be the first to admit that this was not the most appealing idea.  In fact I pissed and moaned about it most of the week leading up to it.  All was for naught because we scored a prime spot under a tree and stayed out of the sun and it was a perfect day out.  We got in line about 7:00 AM with our lawn chairs, blanket, cooler, snacks and games.  It was interesting to see all of the different people there.  It certainly ran the gamut.  We did an hour by hour update including signs, we went for walks and had some delicious  sandwiches, our mood was not even dampened by the annoying young boys behind us who decided to talk about every U2 song in depth for the entire 10 hours.

Finally, at 5:30 the time had arrived, we were one of the first 200 in the door and in prime spot to get into the "Inner Circle".  We decided to stay out of it for some reason, instead standing on the outside against a rail center stage.  It was the best idea we had, for we found that with a catwalk encircling the inner circle and some tips from the press and the tour people, the band would be performing at times right in front of us. 

Florence + the Machine were the opening act and they were great but nothing could quench our desire for U2.  Finally, at 8:45 PM, they took the stage.  The stage itself was unlike any I had seen. The top of it was 164 feet tall, it looked like a giant, alien spider all lit up with a screen that went 360 around so everyone could see everything.  Sure enough, third song in , who do we see coming at us but Bono and The Edge.  They stood just feet away, the only thing keeping us back was a black iron barrier and several scary looking security dudes.  We screamed, we swooned, we acted afool, as you can tell because the picture of me in The Detroit News looks like I have completely lost my marbles. 

The show was just incredible. I have been to tons of concerts and nothing will ever top this.  The songs, the performance, Bono himself, nothing will be this cool.

It was worth the wait.....

Easter

Today is Easter and as most people are spending the day with their family and kids, I spent the day by myself. This is the ex's weekend so he had them all weekend. They will be home soon but it's OK. I don't feel bad for myself. I had invitations to go places and eat with people but I just wanted to do my own thing. I slept in......till 10:00!!!! I cleaned, I did laundry, I went to the Gym.

I should have gone to church but sleeping till ten put that out of the question, so I had my own little prayer session with God outside. I thanked him for all of his sacrifice for me, and every other person in this world, and for giving me the chance to be the imperfect person that I am. I asked him for the guidance to be a better mother and be more patient with my kids but still being able to show them how to be good people and be respectful and live a happy life. I asked him to please help my friends and family who are having difficult times. I sometimes feel closer to God sitting in my backyard praying than I do in a church and I hope that doest make me a bad person.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter and enjoyed their day.

Thankful Thursday

After a day like today I decided to write about everything I am thankful for. I spent most of the day on the verge of hormonal tears. When I wasn't holding back the waterworks I was ready to smack someone. Near the end of the day I realized I was being hormonal and irrational and I decided to reflect on what is good in my life and is goes something like this.

I am thankful for my beautiful children and the fact that they are healthy and able to run and play and that I can kiss their little heads at night when they sleep.

I am thankful that I can provide for my children and put a roof over their head, and food in their bellies and enough Wii games for 10 kids.

I am thankful for the people in my life who reinforce the notion that I really am not a fat and ugly cow, even though I spend most of the day feeling like that.

I am thankful that my clothes continue to get looser even though the scale at Weight Watchers said I gained FOUR OUNCES today (another side effect of unfortunate hormonal state)

I am thankful that I get to stare at Robert Pattinson's beautiful face tomorrow night when I go see Water for Elephants.

I am thankful that I have brains, lots of them and that I use them. After listening to some people spew their ignorance and stupidity I am glad I know how to form cognitive thoughts and sentences. I really don't know how some people get through the day without falling in the toilet and drowning.

And lastly I am thankful for my excellent taste in music, without it I would be one of the unfortunate schmucks listening to top 40 Bubble gum, Lady Gag-me music.

Up to speed

I am not really sure why I have not been writing, guess I have been playing Bejeweled Blitz on FB too much.

Spring appears to be here finally in Michigan. No more snow please. Getting the yard cleaned up and flower beds cleaned. I have no idea what I am doing since I was never allowed to do anything with the yard in my former life, but we will see how things go. Some plants or flowers may die in the process but that's life.

My children are still not sleeping. The oldest is in bed with the youngest and the youngest is wide awake at 11PM. No amount of bribing or threats works. I have no idea how a three year old can still be awake this late but Mama needs her sleep. I still haven't found those baby tranquilizers on the Internet yet.

Operation get rid of the Apple Bottom is progressing well. I have been doing Zumba, working out at home and joined the gym for the month yesterday to see how I would do. I signed up for a 10 mile race in August so I really need to step it up. I walked it last year and my goal is to run the majority of it this year.

My oldest is going to be 10 on Sunday. I really don't know if I can deal with this because he should still be my baby. So much has happened over the last year and I feel like he lost some of his childhood because of it and I will probably beat myself up for the next ten years wondering if they will be OK but there is no turning back now. I wouldn't want to anyway. He is a good boy but really been struggling and I know he will be OK but it still hurts me to see him in any kind of anguish.

We no longer have Bella. The boys and I decided together that even though she was a lovely dog, she was not the right dog for us. Luckily we got her from someone who could take her back, get her the training she needs and find a forever home for her soon I hope because she will be a really good dog for a different family. We are now the proud owners of two crazy orange kitties. They are boys and brothers and their names are Ziggy and Bob Marley. Only I get the significance of their names. Evan knows who they are as singers but that is all. After all he is only 9 3/4.

Random

Today started out good. Got kids off to school and daycare OK, had a yummy McDonald's coke. Staff meeting was OK. Then I had a minor snafu with Friend of the Court, who, in my honest opinion does not know their behind from a hole in the ground. I have had to call three times in the last two months to clarify, give information and ask where my file stands but apparently after going off on the poor woman she realized she indeed did not want me in her office and figured out what the issue was and it's taken care of. We'll see, I might actually get child support sometime in 2011.

I don't know why my children won't sleep. Right now it is 10:21 and they are both still awake. They don't get caffeine, they don't get an overabundance of sugar. I know it's still cold out so they aren't getting enough physical activity but still. I am tired of being Momzilla. I am tired of having 1-2 kids in bed with me every night and I am tired of being tired.

Spring has got to here soon. We had no snow and the first day of spring was Sunday and of course, living in Michigan, it snowed like crazy today and we are supposed to have some kind of ice storm overnight. Great, just what we need. My poor car already got hit once this winter and it's all better now and I don't feel like getting plowed by a moron again.

I need sunshine, and lots of it. I am pale by nature and am just about invisible from no sunshine. I could pass for a Cullen right now if you know what I mean.

I have been on Weight Watchers for six weeks now and have lost a grand total of----ready? Two fricking pounds. I haven't been following it to a T but have been doing well and working out and this week I do feel really good and have gotten lots of compliments so hopefully Thursday really shows a difference or I might have to throw a scale at someone.

I am going away this weekend with my sisters and close friend to scrapbook camp, I haven't been in a year and I have not done anything since the last time I went. In fact my stuff is a mess and I have not even begun to pack or sort anything out. But we don't have to be there until Friday so I have plenty of time. I do my best work under pressure.

Supposedly men think about sex all the time right? Like 485,000 times a day or some astronomical figure like that. Well, I think women do to, but most are just too prissy to admit it. I think I think about it as much as men do. Maybe that is just because it's been so long since I have had any (462 days but who's counting) In fact, I think I can be classified as a virgin again.

Break Time

I need a break. A break from being Heather. A break from being Mommy. A break from being a responsible adult. Yes, I get a break from being mommy a couple times a week. But that isn't even what I am talking about. I need a complete break for a couple days. It's been a really long time since I have had that kind of break.

I need to get into my car, a small bag packed, Ipod plugged into the stereo and drive. For a number of hours. I am envisioning a place in my head. A place where I could walk along the streets and window shop. A place with a cool downtown where you can get a great cup of coffee or a great beer and people watch. A place with an awesome bookstore that has that copy of that book I am looking for. A place with a "hidden gem" of a restaurant where I can get an delectable meal. A place where I could sit at a bar and have an interesting conversation with a handsome stranger, who is not in fact a psychotic serial killer. A low-key bar that has a cool band playing. And a place where I could get 8-10 hours of sleep a night.

Does anyone know a place like that?

Wordless Wednesday

My future Rock Starts, who are going to take care of their mommy in old age!

Skinny Bitches in Cute clothes

I'm pissed. I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago and I have only lost less than a pound. Granted I wasn't as fat as I thought I was but still. I didn't even want to do it but my friend coerced me into it because she needed the support. I know I need to lose weight. I know I need more exercise. I don't necessarily think I eat "bad". I don't scarf candy and ice cream and cookies on a daily basis. I try to stick to diet Coke and water mainly. I love fruits and vegetables and would rather eat whole wheat anything than eat white bread or pasta.

I need to get off my ass. I sit on it for about 8 hours a day. I can't wait for it to get warmer so I can get outside. I worked out this last week to no avail, but think part of the reason is that bitch Mother Nature sneaking up on me. I am bloated is all we will say.

What really "tans my hide" is the chick leading the meetings. She herself is a former fattie who now coaches people into eating healthier, taking off the weight, blah, blah, blah. She is a damn twig. It's really hard on the ol self-esteem to step on the scale, basically be told that nothing changed from the last week then sit there through a meeting with someone whose thighs look smaller than my arms tell me how to eat and lose weight. My attitude worsens. All I can do is look at her and think, there is no way she actually eats anymore. I think I would do better with a person who was a little on the heavier side cheering me on than twig girl sashaying around the room.

I am so tired of seeing skinny people in cute clothes knowing that even though I can wear the same clothes, they just don't look the same on me. I know there is that skinny girl in me who is dying to get out, dress hot and totally destroy every man in her path. (Sorry, off topic)
I am going to do it. This year. By the end of this year. Not just because I just got divorced. Not just because my 20 year high school reunion this year. And not even because some hateful person I know is losing weight and I refuse to let her be skinnier than me. I just have to do it. I am tired of looking like this. Period.

Confessions of a Bibliophile....

Wanna know a secret?? I love to read. Well, that isn't actually a secret. Most people who know me well know that about me. What you may not know if I have this affliction that causes me to read several books at one time. Right now I am only reading two, but a week ago it was four. Two on my Nook and two actual "real" books.

Legend has it I have been reading since about three and half. I don't think I was that gifted, I was probably closer to four, but I digress. I know that I was always in a reading group by myself in school and was about 1-2 books ahead of everyone else. I read books that I probably shouldn't have at an early age. I read Gone With The Wind when I was ten.

Even though I am only reading two books right now I have several books "waiting in the wings". Books from the library. Books borrowed from my sisters. Books I have gotten from garage sales. In the middle of all that I will pick up a book I have read about 4,000 times and read that again. I come by it honestly. My mom and dad are readers. My sisters are readers. In fact my youngest sister has some serious issues with books, I think she has about 500 books and half of them she hasn't read yet. I don't actually keep that many books. I just borrow from her or check them out from the library. The last books I actually bought to keep are the Twilight Series. You have to have those, it's a must.

My parents got me a Nook for Christmas. Great right? All the books you can read on one device. Yeah, I have about 40 books on there and only have read about 6. Plus it takes me all day to buy books because I want so many of them.

I do have my standards when it comes to reading though. I will NOT read any trashy stuff like Harlequin novels. I like to believe I am above that nonsense. I just cannot bring myself to pick up a book that has Fabio on the front cover. And the plot lines are all the same. Please, I have better fantasies in my head.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

I have a potty mouth. I will be the first to admit it. I wasn't always like this. Oh sure, I said Hell and Damn, maybe call someone a Bitch, but nothing really saucy or dirty. Other than your basic curse words, my parents never swore much. You would think the worst language would come from my dad. WRONG! My mother, all 5 feet of her could curse like a trucker if the occasion called for it.

Of course as I got older my friends cursed more, and got more creative with their language but I really didn't join in, just stayed on the fringe of their foul mouths.

When I was 19 I started waitressing and bar-tending and was seriously dipped into the foul mouth atmosphere. Alcohol brings out the worst in people and that is usually their language. It seemed like when I was working in that kind of environment it was assumed and accepted.

The funny thing about me is I can customize my swearing depending on who I am around. I have some very dear friends who would let no such words pass their lips. In this company I am an angel. I refrain from taking the Lord's name in vain. Yet in some company I am given to dropping the F bomb every other word. I need to stop.

My kids, especially my oldest has been calling me out lately. I don't swear all day long in front of them but I do let it fly sometimes. I know I shouldn't but they just push me over the edge. My three year old will say "Mom, don't say that word" or occasionally he will try the word out himself. The dog doesn't help either. My neighbors probably think I am crazy yelling "Damn it" and "F*&K" when I am outdoors and something doesn't work right.

Maybe tomorrow I will stop swearing.........Maybe.

Wandering

I have a specific topic I want to blog about, but this week has been so unreal, it has sucked the life out of me and I cannot focus. My mind wanders and I can't get back on track, so I will just let it out all out.

People are just unreal. This last year I have really relied on friends. For emotional sustenance. For sounding boards. For help moving. I hate asking for help. I would much rather be the one doing and helping and it has taken all I can do to ask for help and talk to people.

When you are friends with someone for a really long time , you assume that you can talk about anything. It's reciprocated, they gripe, you gripe. They complain, you complain. This week I found out that people are not who I thought they are. I guess if you didn't want to hear about my problems, then you should stop me mid-conversation and say something. Tell me you would rather not discuss it. Instead, I was heard, then what I said was twisted into something ugly and shared with others. It's not even that it was told second hand, it's the fact that a person can look at you in the face, be sincere, then turn on you.

The real kicker here is that I confronted the person and they cannot even own up to it. I don't need these kinds of friends. I have real friends. True friends. People who honestly care about me no matter what. I am trying to let it go. I would have let it go if it weren't for the fact that these other people won't. I can though, and I will and if they can't that is their problem. I have a life and the fact they aren't included in it really doesn't matter to me.

My kids are driving me crazy. Right now my oldest refuses to sleep in his own room and the little one wants to sleep with me, he is crying right now, so tired yet refusing to fall asleep. I know it will work itself out, but the only time I get any sleep at all is when they are at their dads, and I hate myself for the fact I look forward to getting sleep when they are not here.

It hasn't been all bad, some things have happened this week that make me smile. I feel like some things are moving in a positive direction. I started Weight Watchers again this week. We weighed in for the first time today and I am not as fat as I thought I was. I just have to stick with it. Every year I say"by July I will have lost this many pounds, or by Christmas I will have lost that" And I haven't. I will this time.

This week is almost over and hopefully the drama of it as well. I have the weekend to myself and plan on using it wisely. Cleaning, reading, writing, church on Sunday and maybe a drive to clear my head.

Things I don't understand

People wearing their pajamas in public. To the store, mall, library, etc. It's pathetic. take some pride in yourself people! Put some clothes on!

Girls who constantly play with their hair. Inspecting it as though they are checking for nits. Get your hands off your hair. It's still there, it's still long, it didn't go anywhere.

IT Guys---never mind, that is a whole other blog in itself.

People with no manners. Please and Thank you are the easiest words to say in the English language. My three year old has better manners than most adults.

How some people have worked in corporate America forever and in this day and age and have no idea how to cut and paste or attach a document to an email.

People who don't read. At all. I don't buy the excuse that they don't have time. I am a single mother of two boys and I work full time and I read at least one book a week.

Why I can't win the Megamillions...seriously, why?

Perms and frosted hair. I thought those were outlawed in the 90's

Shows like American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor....I think those are watched by the people who don't read.

Why my insurance doesn't cover Lasik surgery. It would be cheaper for them in the long run than paying for contacts and glasses every year.

Why I can't seem to go to bed even though I am tired and have to get up in six hours.

Get a life

I need to get one. Really. I mean, I have a life. I have a house and a job, and two beautiful children and a family and friends who love me and are there for me. So what is my problem?

I need to figure out what to do with myself. When my kids aren't here I don't know what to do. When you have spent the last 10 years totally responsible for another living person, and then you don't' have to do that two days a week, it becomes weird.


I have hobbies. I read, I like to write, but when I get home I cannot get myself to do any of that. I think part of it is the weather. Right now it's so cold all you can do is huddle under a blanket indoors. But still, I have got to start doing something. I end up cleaning, and cleaning and doing laundry and then nothing the rest of the night.

I need to get out, hang out with people, find someone to have some fun with.

I refuse to become this person who is so wrapped up in their kids that I don't think of myself. Don't get me wrong, my kids are my life. They have 100% of my attention, but I don't want to find myself 15 years from now with kids grown and no life of my own.

I need to be like my friend Melissa who can just go to a city she has never been in and hang out at a bar and just talk to people. Or go sight-seeing by myself.

I need to become my own person again.

Broken, but still fixable...

Being that it's been nearly a year since I have been blogging I have thousands of things to write about. Every kind of topic. So many experiences that I have had over the past year. But as I sit here waiting for the words to come I keep having the same feeling...Blank.

This is the word that I have been feeling for awhile. Blank. Void of emotion in some way. I still laugh like crazy, especially with my kids. I am still a happy person. I am not depressed at all. I just feel like I have a void in my body somewhere that is keeping me from caring about anything besides my kids. I get lots of opinions. Lots. From people thinking I still love my ex to them saying that I am grieving about my divorce. No not really, I am at peace with that. It's done, over with and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in about 10 years.

I just feel like the part of me that can love someone besides my kids and my family is broken right now. I know some women cannot be alone, they have to run right out and find the next boyfriend, husband, baby-daddy, etc. I am not that person. My independence that I have always possessed has increased tenfold. I don't need a man to make my life complete, not right now anyway.

There are things I miss. Again, not my ex, but things about being with another person. The intimacy. The feeling of someone next to you in bed. The brush of someone else's lips on yours. Laying your head on someones shoulder and breathing them in. The thing is, I don't want to compromise myself to get those things. I want them to be real when I feel them again.

I need to learn to actually like myself again. When you get nothing but dirt thrown in your face for a long time, that is how you start to feel, like dirt. I need to feel like I am worth something again, and I need to do that myself. My family and friends can tell me I am wonderful, beautiful, worthy, etc., but unless I feel it myself, I can't believe it from them.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not "poor Heather". I just need to figure out how to feel again. Like a person, like a woman, like I am worthy of someone else's love.

Bella and Me

So we got a dog.... I guess I mentioned that in my last post.

Evan has been begging for a dog for years and I have wanted one too. My ex had a thousand reasons not to even though he grew up with them his whole life. I knew that when I moved into my new house I would be getting one, I just wanted to kind of settle in first and get the kids used to the house.

Enter my friend Rachel. Rachel helps run a Golden Retriever Rescue. She also works with my sister and knew that I was looking. The first time Bella (formerly known as Diane) was available, I wasn't quite ready. When I thought I was ready she had been placed with a family. I was prepared to wait until Spring when my sister called me one day and said that Bella was back at the rescue because the people just couldn't give her the time and attention she needed.

Did I want her? I wasn't sure so Rachel said I could foster her and if it didn't work out I could bring her back. I decided that yes I did and went to my parents across the state to get her. The boys were with their dad and had no clue I had decided to bring her home. I met her on Saturday and thought she was great, of course Rachel got me kitted out with a cage and leashes and etc. My mom and sisters went right out to Petco to get some toys and chewies...you would have thought I was having a baby, but these are big dog people we are talking about here.

We have had her for about two months now and have had our ups and downs. She is still a puppy even though she is a big horse. She jumps and chews and has no idea that she isn't a lap dog much to my three year old's dismay. She is extremely attached to me and follows me around the house and sleeps with me much to my nine year old's dismay. There is also the battle of the doggy do going on right now. My oldest swore up and down and sideways he would clean up the yard but it's been a battle. Right now we have snow in the yard and he told me today that he can't find any. Can't wait till it the snow melts.

And last but not least, dog hair. I am pretty sure I have vacuumed up enough to make an extra dog. She isn't even long haired but it's the Lab in her.

My biggest hang-up was crating her all day when I am at work but I also don't want to come home to a bunch of chewed up furniture either. I thought that I could leave her out for an hour or two and did that one evening to come home to a chewed up chair cushion and chewed up box. I am hoping that in the next six months she settles down enough to leave her out more. We are also looking into some more obedience classes. She sits, she stays (occasionally) but we really need to work on this jumping thing. She knocked my little guy down a few times and he informed me he wants to take her back and get a cat. How could not love this face though??????

New Year, New Mama

Happy 2011! I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I have posted anything. 2010 was a tumultuous year to say the least. What have I been up to this last year? Here is the short list:
Got a divorce
Bought a house
Bought a newer car
Got a dog

OK, I guess that is a short list. But in the short list were a million little things that I did. My decisions were not easy and my life is certainly not easy. It's not so hard being alone because I always felt like a single parent and the only new things I have to do are mow the lawn and take out the garbage.

The hard part is really being the only adult in the house. Only having one income. And even though the decision for divorce was mine, having someone to curl up with at night. Although right now there are usually two kids and a dog in my bed every night.

The easy part is doing things my way, rearranging furniture if I feel like, deciding when to things, jumping up and deciding to do things at the spur of the moment, and not feeling like I have to get home at a certain time. Leaving dishes in the sink, dropping my clothes on the floor and leaving them there until the morning. Blasting the radio as loud as I like. Feeling good about the decisions I made for the day.

I am really no good with resolutions so I didn't make any other than to live my life for myself and my boys. Try and get fit, run a 10 mile race this summer and try and have some fun when my boys are with their dad. Oh and to write, and write and write. I find I am a much happier centered person when I put my thoughts down and I hope you all can come with me for the ride!