Wandering

I have a specific topic I want to blog about, but this week has been so unreal, it has sucked the life out of me and I cannot focus. My mind wanders and I can't get back on track, so I will just let it out all out.

People are just unreal. This last year I have really relied on friends. For emotional sustenance. For sounding boards. For help moving. I hate asking for help. I would much rather be the one doing and helping and it has taken all I can do to ask for help and talk to people.

When you are friends with someone for a really long time , you assume that you can talk about anything. It's reciprocated, they gripe, you gripe. They complain, you complain. This week I found out that people are not who I thought they are. I guess if you didn't want to hear about my problems, then you should stop me mid-conversation and say something. Tell me you would rather not discuss it. Instead, I was heard, then what I said was twisted into something ugly and shared with others. It's not even that it was told second hand, it's the fact that a person can look at you in the face, be sincere, then turn on you.

The real kicker here is that I confronted the person and they cannot even own up to it. I don't need these kinds of friends. I have real friends. True friends. People who honestly care about me no matter what. I am trying to let it go. I would have let it go if it weren't for the fact that these other people won't. I can though, and I will and if they can't that is their problem. I have a life and the fact they aren't included in it really doesn't matter to me.

My kids are driving me crazy. Right now my oldest refuses to sleep in his own room and the little one wants to sleep with me, he is crying right now, so tired yet refusing to fall asleep. I know it will work itself out, but the only time I get any sleep at all is when they are at their dads, and I hate myself for the fact I look forward to getting sleep when they are not here.

It hasn't been all bad, some things have happened this week that make me smile. I feel like some things are moving in a positive direction. I started Weight Watchers again this week. We weighed in for the first time today and I am not as fat as I thought I was. I just have to stick with it. Every year I say"by July I will have lost this many pounds, or by Christmas I will have lost that" And I haven't. I will this time.

This week is almost over and hopefully the drama of it as well. I have the weekend to myself and plan on using it wisely. Cleaning, reading, writing, church on Sunday and maybe a drive to clear my head.