The F word

No, it's not the word you think it is.  It's not the Queen Mother of all swear words.  Some people may rank it up there with the real F word though.  No kids the word I am thinking of today, brought to you by the Letter F is FORGIVENESS.....

How may things have I done in my life that warrant forgiveness?  How many HORRIBLE things have I really done where I have asked that person to forgive me?  Not many.  I have wronged people, those I love.  Made them mad.  Said things I didn't mean out of the heat of an argument, repeated words that were never meant to be heard outside my head.  I have gossiped, enjoyed repeating something to a fascinated audience who I anticipated would have the same response I did when I heard this news and the discuss it in detail.  I have withheld information.  I have purposely repeated something I was sworn to in secrecy.  But are these things that I need to go to someone and utter the words "Please forgive me".  I don't think I have ever said these words and meant it in a pleading, heart-wrenching tone.  I have apologized profusely.  I have been caught red-handed opening my big mouth when I knew better.  I have learned from my mistakes...big time.



What about me forgiving someone?  Oh I have gotten over being treated badly by a friend, a boyfriend, someone who crossed me or made me mad, but I cannot remember a time when someone came to me, Heart on their sleeve...forlorn...begging me to forgive them. And even if I had it must have been someone that I would have forgiven regardless.  I have learned to forgive and forget as people grow and change and those you seemed to be at war with at one time are your fiercest protectors.

No, the real time you forgive someone is when they never ask, never admit any wrongdoing, never acknowledge, or maybe realize, they need your forgiveness.

 In my whole life, out of everyone I have ever met, come across, loved, hated,  passed on the street or blown by in traffic, there are only three people that come to mind.  They have never asked, and never will and I will never utter the words to them "I Forgive You".  I have to just do it for myself and move one. 

One is a former family member.  One is a former best friend.  One is my Ex-husband. 

One had no idea how her actions would affect her children or husband let alone her teenage niece who idolized her.  One took a misunderstanding and ran it so far into the ground, twisted it and killed it so nothing could ever make it right.  One took all the love, faith, hope and will out of the other person until they had nothing left and were just a shell of their former self.

One had no idea they did it.  One did it with a sick deviant pleasure, One could never see that anything they did was wrong.

I have held hatred in my heart for years for each of these people. 

The first one, I learned to forgive as an adult.  She never realized I hated her, even the day I saw her at the mall,  I think I was about 16 and she  looking happy with her now husband and all I could think was "How dare you?"  She smiled at me, thought to speak to me and I turned around, ran as fast as I could and cried in my car.   I learned that if others could forgive her and move on I could too.


The second has been more recent.  It's more of a let it go and forgive because when someone seems to make it their goal on a daily basis to run you into the ground,  you just have to learn to ignore it.  There is no getting away from it.  There are always evil looks and whispers. I have walked into a room and heard my name more than once.  What I stared to feel was Pity and decided that by forgiving this person, I could really care less what their opinion is of me.


The Third is the most raw.  This one will be ongoing.  It's taken me the last three years to forgive myself.  I think I can now  forgive and move on.  I will NEVER get the apology I want.  I have to live with that.  I will NEVER get the acknowledgement that anyone but me was at fault.  I will never be Forgiven.  But I can forgive.  I can move on and learn to live, and love and know that it's not all my fault.  I am not a terrible person. 

There is a song by Matthew West.  It's called Forgiveness.  Listening to it has made me realize its not abut absolving those people but myself.  By forgiving others, we let go of what is holding us down.

"It'll clear the bitterness away, It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do. So let it go and
be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace the prisoner
that it really frees is you, Forgiveness"

Refresh, Restart, Renew

Here we go again.  The clean slate.  The cleansed palate.  Standing on top of January looking down at all the potential of a brand new year.  This time of year affects people differently.  Some are recharged and ready.  Some are apprehensive.  Some like this author are just ready for warm weather and daylight past 5:30.

The other day my friend (boyfriend?  Not sure what's going on yet)  asked me if had made any resolutions for the New Year.  It's easy to say the old standby of getting fit, go back to the gym, get organized.  You can't look at ads in the paper without seeing sales on Fitness equipment, workout clothes, bins to organize, etc. Every email I get from a store screams Get Fit!!!! Organize!!! Get your crazy life back in order!!!

Sunday in Church we spoke more on the subject.  Our pastor encouraged us as a church to resolve over the next 30 days to pray....for five minutes...EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Five minutes is a long time sometimes.  I tend to find myself praying before bed just like when I was a little girl.  It seems a good time to recap the day.  But sometimes after a few minutes I run out of things to say.  There are enough things to improve upon in my life, enough things I need to ask God for help with, and enough people to pray for, so this really shouldn't be an issue.

For me, I would rather focus on the word Resolve.  I have many things in my life (and mind) that need to be resolved, so the word works for me.

I Resolve  to be more Disciplined on my overall health and eating.  I am a healthy person.  I eat pretty well.  For the most part.  I have worked hard to buy healthier food, nothing boxed. Less than Five ingredients.  Fresh, local, natural.  It's hard this time of year and expensive as all get out but the less chemicals we put in our bodies the better.  There will still be nights we run through the drive thru as there is no other option but in order to lose the rest of the weight (20 pounds) this is what I need to do.


I Resolve to find Inner Peace.  This is a hard one.  I truly am my own worst enemy.  I hate myself.  Really.  I need to stop beating myself up for every single mistake I make, and realize that other people don't view me as harshly as I view myself. For every day that I feel good about myself and that I do things right there are Ten more right after that where I feel like nothing I do is good enough.  I don't really know how anyone could love me and that is all I really want.

I Resolve to Focus  The last few years have been crazy so I don't feel like I am organized as I used to be.  I am trying to do too  many things at once.  I need to stop, slow down and finish what I start.

I Resolve to Ask for the help I need (Virgo Alert)  Yeah, I have real issues with this.  I can do it all myself you know.  I don't need anything from anyone because I am Super-Heather.  Well I wish I was but apparently that isn't true.  I would rather help and fix other people's issues and mine, well I can take care of those too.  So I will TRY and ask for more help and not feel so bad about it.

I Resolve to dive even deeper into my Faith.  OK, I know I am going to get some eye-rolls with this.  No I haven't turned into a Jesus freak.  Well maybe a little but I didn't "turn" into one.  I just thought I could live my life with God on the sidelines instead of right there next to  me.  For so long I felt like there was something devoid in my life.  I started going back to church last April and I feel like so much more complete.  I finally found a church that fits for the boys and I and we love it and I am not going to be unapologetic, or pious about it.  It's just the way it is.  Support me or call me a hypocrite, it doesn't faze me either way.

I Resolve to Write more.  When I don't write or jot things down or journal, my head gets so full of thoughts and feelings that I almost feel sick.  I have so much floating around there that I need to get it out and on to paper.  This Blog started out as a way to do that.  Looking back on some of my posts I think I realize some of them should have been journal entries but I am always learning and  although I may only have a handful of people that read this, I can pretend that every day there are thousands of people salivating in anticipation of my original thought and prose......

I Resolve to Epxress my Feelings more truthfully..  This is going to make some people laugh hysterically.  Depending on who you are you see enough of my feelings on a daily basis. My bestie Tara gets 100% of my true feelings and what's on my mind 24/7.  I am not sure she wants or deserves it but the point is I feel comfortable enough around her that I don't hold back.  For some people I am so worried about being judged, or rejected (Virgo anyone?)  that I will hold my true feelings, good or bad back in the event that they will hold it against me.  I need to say what I feel.  I need to hear the answers, good or bad.  Holding it in just makes me crazy and NO ONE wants to deal with a Crazy Heather.  I work very diligently to keep her locked away in a quiet safe place. 

I think I could go on forever.  But this is a good start.  Basically, eat better, pray more, love openly, live happy and love myself.  Easy right????

Happy New Year!!!!

Well, here it is......December 31st...Again..... This year Mama is actually spending it with the hoolies.  We are visiting with some friends, getting our Dance Party 4 on, and just letting the hoolies run wild till they pass out. I have a bottle of Pink Moscato which I am very excited about so should be a good night.

I could reflect on the last year.  It wasn't my worst year.  Hopefully it won't be my best year.  There was happiness, sadness, heartbreak, death, love, new friendships, excitement, devastation and everything in between.  I have many "goals" for the New year.  I will share them with you tomorrow, but for tonight I hope that everyone enjoys themselves, with families and friends, and please be safe no matter what you do. 
If 2012 was not your best year than may 2013 be more pleasant.  Hopefully you all have someone to kiss at midnight, as I will be smooching my two little men!!!

2013 is sure to be an interesting year for me and I hope to share it with everyone!!!!! Until then, thanks to everyone who has checked me out and encouraged me this year! Love you all........Mama

Hot Mess---Aisle 3

That would be me.....A great big mess.  I have a few ideas of how I got this way.  Single mother, works full time, pulled in 8,432 different directions on a daily basis.  I used to be so much more organized, so much more put together.  Well I am still pretty well put together, at least on the outside. 

On the inside I am going about 98 miles and hour every minute I am not sleeping.  Which by the way might be about 6 or 6.5 hours a night.  Right, like maybe I should be asleep right now instead of writing this???  I have too  many things to do to sleep, or as I like to tell my mother who gets pissed every time I say it "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

I used to be organized.....I try and be organized.....I fold things, put them away, rearrange, tidy up, and that lasts about five minutes.  I used to be able to have my house spotless in about three hours.  NOW I am lucky if one room is spotless for an hour.  This isn't because of kids, I used to clean circles around them.   

I used to have a perfectly balanced checkbook.  I still know how much is in my account but I haven't recorded anything in a register in about a year.  I had a planner with appointments, bills, birthdays, anniversaries, etc neatly written out.  I still know when those things are and pay bills but my planner is blank. 

I used to have motivation.  Like serious motivation. If I thought I was going to do something I did it and ten other things along with it.  Now I can plan on doing something and by the time I get home from work...forget it, I am in the chair watching 15 episodes of the The Office on Netflix  Its' almost like I cannot force myself to do what I need to do.  And i end up being so mad at myself, berating myself, and generally hating myself for awhile.

A well-meaning medical professional suggested ADD.  Someone else waltzed around the "depression" word.  NO, I don't think I am depressed.  I talked to my Dr and he just looked at me and said in his lovely Indian accent "Heather, you are a single mother trying to raise two boys, give yourself a break."  He did suggest I go talk to someone.  I haven't since I moved out. Oh I have talked to people, family, my sisters, girlfriends galore, but no one with the capability of telling me if I need a pill or a swift kick in the ass.

Part of my problem is I used to have someone to do this stuff for, besides my kids.  A reason to  keep a spotless house and cook meals, and generally create a home. Maybe I need that again.  I do cook, and clean and create a home for my kids, but there is a difference.  My kids aren't going to tell me to get off my ass and do something.  I can't lean on my kids, like I would a boyfriend/husband.   I am sure I will have it again, , maybe  almost have and don't realize it. Maybe.........BUT until then I can still fluff my hair, throw on my heels, put on my glossiest Victoria's Secret Lip Gloss and pretend the F*&K out not being a mess.

Spirit Shmirit

I am soooo not into Christmas this year.  I haven't been in about three years.  18 days away and I am totally unprepared. Purposely.  I don't want to do it.  I wish it were about January 11th.  Yes my house is decorated..  Yes I took my kids to see Santa.  But as far as the hustle and the bustle and the idiots standing in line shopping, and the Christmas cheer--BLAH...Bah Humbug.

  I can't even explain it, Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year.  I love Christmas songs but I cannot even listen to any on the radio.  Other than being forced to in every store I frequent I have listened to none. I sing them at church but my heart isn't in it. If it weren't for my kids I wouldn't even have decorated.  

I am trying really hard not to go into a store if I can help it.  I have done some shopping online and I bought some items directly that someone made.  I would like to have had more time to make some things, but since procrastination is one of my strong suits...that will not be happening.  I don't want to spend any money....I have none which helps, but I would rather spend an entire weekend with my family, having meals and time together than buy presents and rush here and there.

I used to be that way, spending gobs of money, getting gifts for people.  More than I needed to, more than I should have, but I do like buying presents for people.  I just want to start doing something more meaningful that buying my kids and niece more toys that they don't really need and won't play with after about two months.  Christmas is not a contest.  It shouldn't be about who can spend the most money and give the most gifts. 

We are doing some different things this year, just me and the boys.  We are learning about who St. Nicholas was.  We are concentrating more on the birth of Jesus than just Santa Claus and Elves and presents.  That is another thing, it pisses me off to no end that people don't say Merry Christmas.  I do.  To everyone I can.  I  may even start saying Happy Jesus's Birthday.  That should guarantee me a visit from the ACLU!!!!

Oh well, it will be over soon.  Still, if I have to listen to the chick at work talk about spending $900 on their kids Christmas presents, or keep singing stupid Christmas music at work I may have to beat someone to death with a candy cane

Thankful Thursday----Turkey Style

Happy Thanksgiving 2012!!!!! The ultimate Thankful Thursday.  So far it's been an interesting year.  Good, bad, ugly and downright depressing.  I have experienced every emotion possible this year from ecstatic joy to gut-wrenching grief.  Through it all I have always had people to turn to and help me through it, although I still have those "I am Heather, I can do it myself" moments.  I have so much to be thankful for.  More than things.  I have people.  Lots and lots of people.  Family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers who make me realize how wonderful my life is and how thankful I should be.

I won't be spending Thanksgiving with my family this year.  My boys are with their dad and I have to work tomorrow.  My family is two hours away so that is too much to do in one day to make a trip back and forth.  I will see them this weekend, and though it hurts to know they will all be in one place together I am going to a friends to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family.  **Nothing like a Holiday to meet 25 new people right?**

This year in particular, beside my parents and sisters and close friends there are two people who I am truly thankful right now.

My co-worker and friend and surrogate mother Margaret.  I love her whole family.  They have done so much for me in the last few years.  Picked up my kids, watched them when they were sick, had us over on holidays with their own family.  She is my voice of reason when I can't be with my mom to talk to her.  She is my strength when I need someone to talk to.  She has done nothing but be there for me.  She is the person I could call at 3AM and would get out of bed and come rescue me.  She is my angel and I love spending time with her and her whole family!

My other person is my friend Melissa.  I have known her for over 20 years and she is one of the strongest, bravest, most incredible women I have ever met.  A single mom , she single-handedly raised her daughter, put herself through school, worked hard and  has made an incredible life for herself by her own rules.  We have gone through periods where we haven't seen each other for years, even spoken because we are busy and live so far apart but when we do finally meet up it's like it was five minutes ago.  She has been my constant, my reassurance and has encouraged me to things I would not normally do.  I have the best adventures when we are together and she is one of the truest friends  I have ever had. I just wish she wasn't 15 hours away.

These are only a snippet of the incredible people in my life, the people who have been instrumental in making me the person I am, whether they know it or not.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.  Eat, drink, be merry, be safe.  Tell everyone you love them today.  Don't be afraid to let bygones be bygones, don't hold grudges.  Have a beautiful wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!  

 

Thankful Thursday

Oh yeah, I have a blog.  I remember now.  I was going to write a new, witty, inspirational post at least once, maybe twice a week.  It's November 1st.  My last post was September 17th.  I'd like to say I have  been oh so busy, a flurry of social activity and events that have kept me busy, but sadly no.  I'm just a lazy slacker.

So back to the post title.  Thankful Thursday.  Being it's November and in about three weeks we will be sitting around a table eating a bird and watching football, I figured I might as well start this month off with some brutal honesty about what I am truly thankful for.  Not the cute, smarmy, Hallmark, "I love my family and kids and the people who lift me up" stuff, but the God's honest truth.

So here goes nothing:

1.  My Brain.  Yes, my brain.  Yes, I know we all have one but some of us out there use it as a hat rack instead of what it was intended for, which is to think.  Using my brain allows me to expand my knowledge, allows me to have full use of my free will, and make my own decisions.  I don't freak out at the drop of a hat if I can't figure something out (usually) and can use said brain to make an informed decision about how I should proceed.  I like being smart, knowing more than I should, and keeping people on their toes.

2.  My Cynicism.  OK, so that isn't always a good thing, but over the years I have adapted a cynical outlook on the world in general,  I call it my BS filter.  I can still see the good in the world, in people, but I am also good at spotting the liars, jerks, creeps and people who are just looking to use you up and spit you out. I wish I had the sunny, everyone is happy, lets all hold hands and sing disposition that some people have but I just don't.  Call it experience, call it being jaded. I call it being smart and safe.  If you are genuinely someone that warrants my time and I want in my life you will know it, and you will see the sweet sunshiney side of me.

3. My Honest Friends.  You know who you are ladies....you are the ones who keep me in check.  The ones who aren't afraid to tell me if I am doing something dumb, tell me how it really is and what I should really do.  There are no pretty pictures painted here.  No rainbows and puppy dogs.  No Cinderella stories.  We are brutally honest and blunt, and risk pissing each other off in the process but in the end,these are the women who have my back and can trust with my deepest, darkest secrets, my most random idiotic thoughts, and my sanity.

4. My Problems.  Yes, my problems.   Let's see, I'm broke, like flat busted broke.  My kids are determined to send me to the psych ward any day now, I miss my parents and family horribly and there are days when I am sure that the end of my rope burned up in my hands.  There are people at work who are hell bent on making my life miserable because they are, and I may or may not have a job in the next six months or so.  HOWEVER, being broke has forced me to get very creative, realize I don't need half the crap I have and enjoy the free things in life.  My kids make me want to be a better person every day and try my damnedest to be strong and show them how to be good, responsible people.  My feelings of helplessness have brought me back to God.  I knew there was something missing in my life, something I tried to fill with other things, and deep down I knew that I had cut out God and I needed to turn back to him.  I can't explain it, its different for everyone, and I don't feel like I am a better person because of it, I feel more complete within myself.

Thankfulness can be found from the oddest places, so instead of listing the obvious, take a look inside and think about the things in life that make you who you are.