That would be me.....A great big mess. I have a few ideas of how I got this way. Single mother, works full time, pulled in 8,432 different directions on a daily basis. I used to be so much more organized, so much more put together. Well I am still pretty well put together, at least on the outside.
On the inside I am going about 98 miles and hour every minute I am not sleeping. Which by the way might be about 6 or 6.5 hours a night. Right, like maybe I should be asleep right now instead of writing this??? I have too many things to do to sleep, or as I like to tell my mother who gets pissed every time I say it "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
I used to be organized.....I try and be organized.....I fold things, put them away, rearrange, tidy up, and that lasts about five minutes. I used to be able to have my house spotless in about three hours. NOW I am lucky if one room is spotless for an hour. This isn't because of kids, I used to clean circles around them.
I used to have a perfectly balanced checkbook. I still know how much is in my account but I haven't recorded anything in a register in about a year. I had a planner with appointments, bills, birthdays, anniversaries, etc neatly written out. I still know when those things are and pay bills but my planner is blank.
I used to have motivation. Like serious motivation. If I thought I was going to do something I did it and ten other things along with it. Now I can plan on doing something and by the time I get home from work...forget it, I am in the chair watching 15 episodes of the The Office on Netflix Its' almost like I cannot force myself to do what I need to do. And i end up being so mad at myself, berating myself, and generally hating myself for awhile.
A well-meaning medical professional suggested ADD. Someone else waltzed around the "depression" word. NO, I don't think I am depressed. I talked to my Dr and he just looked at me and said in his lovely Indian accent "Heather, you are a single mother trying to raise two boys, give yourself a break." He did suggest I go talk to someone. I haven't since I moved out. Oh I have talked to people, family, my sisters, girlfriends galore, but no one with the capability of telling me if I need a pill or a swift kick in the ass.
Part of my problem is I used to have someone to do this stuff for, besides my kids. A reason to keep a spotless house and cook meals, and generally create a home. Maybe I need that again. I do cook, and clean and create a home for my kids, but there is a difference. My kids aren't going to tell me to get off my ass and do something. I can't lean on my kids, like I would a boyfriend/husband. I am sure I will have it again, , maybe almost have and don't realize it. Maybe.........BUT until then I can still fluff my hair, throw on my heels, put on my glossiest Victoria's Secret Lip Gloss and pretend the F*&K out not being a mess.
