Love More

I found this shirt at Old Navy one weekend and thought it was perfect for me.  It reminds of a Seed shirt I have.  It makes a statement though they may have not intended for it to.

I do love people.  I love life, and experiences and music and just everything around me in general, I love what is safe.  Safe is my family and most of my friends and my kids and animals and things that I don't have to worry about not loving me back.

I spent today by myself.  Other than taking Kid A to the Dr this morning and picking up a funky cool little table from a thrift shop I was home (and the gym but I don't talk to anyone there) by myself.,and oh yeah Daisy but she doesn't really count because I can talk to her about anything and she doesn't have anything to say about it.

Cool new table

I am extremely social so being by myself all day and not talking to anyone makes for an endless day,  I start to get twitchy.  I am better with people around me. I get more done.  When I am by myself I tend to curl up and do nothing.  I was determined today however to do something different.  I got my sunroom cleaned up and reorganized and my sewing area set up and my thirtyone area organized.  And listened to music...of course always music.  (Sidenote: If you don't like loud music playing don't come to my house) And of course I thought......and thought some more.

Love...love more...its an easy concept but hard to put into practice if it's easier to just not to love anyone other than those people listed above.  I have days where I am certain I could go the rest of my life and just not deal with the unpleasant task of someone under my feet, dealing with them, trying to make them happy so they stay.  That is how I feel about love at the moment,  It's a task, something to check off my to do list and I keep moving it to the bottom and then to the following day's list.

Again, being the social Virgo that I am, I crave love, I give love. When I love someone there isn't anything I can't do for them.  My friends and family know this very well.  The thing is, the affection part can be had without dealing  with the mess of love, and hoping that someone decides that it's worth it.  It's easy for me to wrap my head around that and just shut myself off and not get hurt.

So what's a girl to do???  How do you Love More when all you do is love people???  This is my conundrum to conquer........

Treading water

Once upon a time I had this parenting thing down.  I had children who listened.  I had children who took orders and fell in line.  I had children who looked at me with adoring eyes. Children who believed everything I said.  I still have one child like that.  The other one became a teenager.

Tomorrow is my oldest son's birthday and he will be 13.  Technically it's just a number because the past year has basically paved the way for my downfall as the mom who had it all down.  He started having opinions of his own, he started letting other people influence his opinions and we started butting heads.....hard.  Think of two rhinos, charging each other, battling, stabbing each other with their sharp horns.  That basically sums it up.  I can see it in his eyes. I am an idiot.   The boy who looked at me like I could do no wrong now gives me a look, the one that makes me sit on my hands because I want to knock it off his face. He refuses to cut his hair shorter.  He is nasty to his brother. He is mouthy to me, and in front of people. He has said some of the most purposefully hateful things he can think of to me.  I have knocked him on his butt more than once.  His latest act of defiance is church. He is refusing to go.  He knows this is the one thing that rips my heart out the most so he is standing firm, heels dug in.  I know that he will relent eventually so I am not getting as worked up as I first was.  His brother and I still ask him to pray every night but he won't join us.  I still write Bible verses all over the house.  We still talk about God freely and sometimes just to annoy him, loudly.  Last night I was reading John 17 and 18 to his brother and we were talking about Jesus being arrested and he was sitting outside the bedroom listening.  I know I can't push because if I do it will just create more tension but it's honestly killing me.

We don't agree on some of his friends.  I don't approve at all.  And because I don't let them come over or him associate with them, I am the control freak where his dad allows it so that makes me the evil one.  I am the mean one.  I am the ruler of this totalitarian society where what I say goes.
I am fine with this.  I told him more than once he can hate me until he is 18 but it will be over my dead body that he acts like or associates with creeps, delinquents, etc.

That is just one side  to this boy.  He is beautiful, and funny and sweet, and so smart.  He is kind and he loves babies and little ones.  He is helpful, he is wise beyond his years.  Tonight I have been looking at years of pictures, tears running down my cheeks because  I just want that baby boy back.  Some of you parents reading this, those who have danced this dance are just nodding your heads or even slightly chuckling at my torment.  I know....this too shall pass, but I assure this last year has been an eternity, and if I make it through without Xanax or having a stroke I will be amazed.

Yesterday we had a sort of breakthrough.  I stood firm on something, I explained why and we started talking about tons of things.  I told him some of the stupid things I did when I was his age and older.  How I got suspended not once but twice.  I told him I don't expect him to be perfect,  He is going to do stupid ridiculous things. Irresponsible things.  My deep fear is that he will somehow get swept up in something bad, or something that he can't work his way out of.  That he will pull away from me completely, want to live with his dad which to me is the worst possible thing. ( Overdramatic maybe)
We talked and laughed for over two hours.  It was incredible.  I felt like I had that boy back.

 I am doing everything in my power to keep that boy, and to grow him into a wonderful, responsible, respectful man.

Showing up

You know what I hate?  When I mean to write something and I get sidetracked and then a few days pass and I have lost the momentum of the feeling and am now trying to recreate it.... so that is this post.

Last week I was meeting my girlfriend Traci for coffee.  Excited to see her and try a different little coffee place I set out.  I had been having this feeling....the one I get where I know I have been praying and asking God to show up, not necesarrily for me but just to show up.  I prayed this all the way over to meet her, and then when I saw her and we hugged and started chatting I kind of forgot about it.  We got our coffee and muffins and sat down in the front window to bask in the sun.  It's been so cold I didn't mind that the sun felt like it was scorching me.

Traci and the dear woman deep in talk

We were getting caught up and I was giving her every tidbit of my ridiculously fun getaway to South Carolina.  Once we were done reliving my days and nights I asked her how she had really been...how the kids were, and I told her how the night previous I had watched Parenthood and how the son in the show who was autistic had an episode while away at a school function.  Traci has a son with Aspergers and it's not an easy road.  Family isn't always helpful, and as much as I try and be there for her and listen and help, I don't really know what she is going through.  She was telling me about a class trip she chaperoned, how he felt alienated and we both agreed kids are worse than adults and that it's just not fair that people treat him like that.  Suddenly a lady came over to her and bent down, she asked does your son have Aspergers?  Traci said yes, and he's only nine.  The woman indicated her son had it as well, he was now 24 and a graduate student in technical school.  She had overheard our conversation about his treatment by other kids and even teachers, she just looked at Traci and said, "I promise you, it gets better"  She pulled up a chair and they started talking, her son, as luck would have it had the same name as Traci's son and she as well had a younger daughter who was fiercely protective of her brother.


They spent the better part of the next hour chatting, I just listened because this woman was EXACTLY what Traci needed.  She spoke of the academic struggles they went through with teachers who punished her son when what he needed was specialized therapies.  How their family moved at one point for her husbands job and they found a fantastic program for kids with Aspergers but what was the most tremendous gift to Traci was that here was a woman who knew how she felt, had lived her struggles and no matter how many times I tell her it's going to be ok, this woman, could assure her better than I ever could.  She was a wealth of knowledge and hope, and she even talked to me about going back to college to finish up my degree.  

She apologized for monopolizing our time, but it was no bother at all.  When God does show up He knows exactly when you need him and leaving my friend that day her heart was less heavy and she had hope for the rest of the day.  To me it was an enlightening experience to just sit and listen.

Micro can mean big...

Ministry.  That is a big word.  One I usually associate with a big group of people.  Or maybe to describe someone who leads a congregation.  Certainly not me.

What about Micro-ministry?  I first heard that word a few months ago. I was driving across the state by myself,  listening to a program that was talking about just that.  The woman was describing different people in her life who did things that may have not seemed like anything special..or even anything close to being considered a ministry however they touched many lives and in that instant the people were able to even just for a moment talk to them about God.  She talked about the cake lady who every day made at least one or two in the even that it was someones birthday, someone was in the hospital, someone was sick... or the gum lady who at church always has a purse full and the kids knew it and with the sticks she doled out she gave them snippets of love and Jesus.

I know people like this...

Mr. Barney...the man at church who drives bus and takes kids to our local roller rink for a Christian skate night, and tells them about Jesus.. That is his ministry

The woman I met at a craft show last fall....she had a beautiful hand painted purse and when I asked her about it she said she buys them at Goodwill and then paints them and when someone comments she gives it to them (presumably they are women) and she tells them that she loves them and so does God and prays with them.

The man at Mott (I assume he is a professor?) who twice now I have passed in the hall, sitting and talking to a student and have heard him say that God has plans for them, and do they attend church.

So what could my ministry be?  Do I have one?  Let's just say evangelism is not my strong suit.  I cannot imagine going up to someone and asking them if they know Jesus.  If someone asks me  What I can do?  There are people I know who know their calling, not just pastors but people who use their gifts in a way that exudes Jesus.  I really don't know if God has given me any signs or if he has I haven't heard him.  One thing I can do is invite people to my church.  I have done that for the past year, some have come once or twice, some are now regular attenders and some I am still working on.  I can find people in my life who I think need Jesus and encouragement and ask them to come with me.

The one other thing that I feel God has put in my heart is a missions trip.  At one time in my life the idea of traveling to another country to serve people who were not here in my own neighborhood, county or state seemed ludicrous to me,  Why would I need to help those in a foreign country when people here need help?  The more  I thought about it and the more exposure I had to people who had gone I realized that they are the ones who need our help more than people here.  More times than not their government gives them no assistance, no help.  What we do can make a huge impact on their lives.  So now I am feeling I need..,.I have to go somewhere.  Hopefully to Swaziland next year with my church.

So maybe I do have a version of a micro-ministry...a micro-micro ministry???

The process

I decided to make homemade Alfredo sauce tonight.  Trying to get away from anything boxed, canned, etc, I thought, why not?  I had the ingredients and what I didn't have I could just wing, because I'm crazy like that.

So I fired up my laptop, got on Pinterest, got my ingredients and started. Butter, garlic, pepper, Parmesan, milk(instead of cream) and  off I go. 

I started along confident in my cooking abilities (I am an awesome cook Thank you) throwing ingredients in, checking the recipe and moving along.  When I added the milk and cooked it for awhile it wasn't thickening so I threw in some cream cheese because I was impatient that it wasn't turning out right.  I wasn't letting it cook and respecting the process.  As I stood there staring at this concoction gurgling in the pan before me I started to wonder how many other things in my life I do this with.

As confident and assured that I am in several areas of my life, I seem to be impatient and try and change things in others.  I just want things to work out and be good.  I know part of this stems from my marriage and trying to hurry up and make everyone happy, sacrificing my own happiness and health.  Part is just my personality.  I'm a pleasing person and if everyone around me is happy  then I am too.  I want to fix things and make it all better. 

Right now my relationship with my 12 year old is less than stellar.  He wants to be grown up now and doesn't want me interjecting in his life.  He doesn't want me riding him about school or the friends I don't like.  I want to fix it.  I know I can't just do that but I also know that I won't tolerate the amount of disrespect coming from him.  I hate this discord.  I want to skip a few steps and have everything be OK.  I know deep down I can't, I have to let it go and work it out and not rush it, but it stinks.

Another thing I don't want to take the time to let work......dating. Right now it's easier to just ignore that part of my life.  Since my last 2 1/2 relationships ended sucktacularly, I'd just rather forget it all together.  But that's no fun.   See there is this guy I have noticed.  Cute, seems super nice, seems to have it together, athletic....but I don't really know him at all.  I'd like to, but there are a million reasons in my mind that I should just stop now and save myself dealing with the process at all.

Let's see:
                       I'm a few years older than him (why should this matter)
                       He doesn't have kids and I have two
                       Did I mention he's really cute?
                       I don't think I am good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, etc
                       He'd never be interested in dating an older, fat chick with two kids,

Yes I know I probably need therapy but I can't help the thoughts in my head from playing over and over and stopping me from even talking to him other than idle chitchat.  My two best friends are ready to kill me, or intervene on my behalf which has me envisioning notes being passed with a Do you like Heather? Yes or no? And look, I know the barrage of texts and comments I will probably get with What the Hell is wrong with you?  But this is what keeps me terrified of even trying.  The fact that even though he may say yes. We may become great friends.....or more.  The ingredients are all there....it might turn out horribly so why did I try in the first place?

My Alfredo sauce?  How did that turn out?  Pretty good actually.  Once I stepped away and let it cook  and not fuss over it, it tasted fantastic.  Kind of runny, but delicious and that was good enough for me! I know what to do if I try it again and make it turn out even better....
                     
                         

(Im)Perfect

                                                                               So, I'm reading this book. 

   If there ever was a book I should read, this is it. I can't get through a chapter without crying.  I have heard her speak and read other books so I knew what I was getting into.  No one is perfect, no one has the perfect cookie cutter life, we all put up walls to keep people out.  No one is put together all the time, but some people are so good at faking it.  I wanted to be one of  those people.  If I can't be put together then I certainly want the illusion of being put together.  The problem with that? It's exhausting.  The "hustle" and jumping around you do take away from the life you are trying to live.  So what to do? Be real and authentic and let people "see" you... 

I let people see me...my family and closest friends, but everyone?  Yeah, no thanks. But as I began to read this and read her stories and the stories she gathered from her research I could see that practically everyone she interviewed seemed to have the problem as me,

                                                              See these words in yellow??                           

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Wholehearted? I do this..  The problem with being wholehearted is when you are and other people aren't, you only get a piece of that heart back.  I get tired of giving everything I am to someone and only getting a piece back. 

I am enough........ enough of what?  This week I don't feel like I an enough of anything.  Not enough of  a mom....not enough to keep up with anything.......not enough to sustain the last two relationships I have had, which brings us to....

Worthy of Love ?  If I was enough I would be worthy of love....  I know people love me but it's not the same.  My family loves me and my friends love me,  but no one has really ever just loved me.  Not even when I was married.  And any of the love I thought  I have felt since wasn't authentic.  If it was then the people giving it couldn't be authentic themselves..   



The whole process has just been ugly and messy.  Vulnerability is pretty  much a four letter word for me.  If I let someone in, then that just means it's one more person who could potentially hurt me.  
I don't try to be perfect, but I am damn hard on myself.  If things are screwed up it's all on me and the pressure I put on myself to get everything right is ridiculous.  When things are bad, the self-deprecation begins and it makes sense, it's no ones fault but my own.  I think the only thing that helps is knowing that other people feel like this as well.

Instagram seems to be the place that people let it all out. You know that Imagine Dragons song Demons?  "Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide"  For some reason people can throw up a picture and tell their deepest darkest secrets.  The horrible seeds of ugliness growing in their souls.  It's made me realize that I am not the only one who feels like a complete failure, a horrible mother, not good enough....the list can go on.  From this I have drawn strength, and friendships from people who have gone through bigger circles of Hell than I.

So here I am being real and authentic, and vulnerable.  Judge me,, roll your eyes, laugh at me, feel sorry for me, or just be my friend and love me for who I am.  Some day I hope to look back and know that I have made strides and can look at those yellow word  and say check, check, check.

Weekend update

It's been exactly two months since I have written anything.  My head hurts, and it's hurt for a very long time.  I sometimes think when I don't write and get it all out, it piles up and has nowhere to go. Maybe getting it out will help. And if it doesn't it will at least make anyone who read this feel better about themselves.  So what has been happening the last two months  What has this mama been doing?  Funny you should ask.Because most days it's this:

Working......at least for about 28 more days.  The end is finally near and every day it becomes harder to tear myself out of bed, put on dress clothes and point my car in the direction of a place I once loved to work.  Attempting to get through eight hours is now becoming a heinous chore in which my head aches, my eye twitches and every other word in my head is WTF.  I only pray it gets better for the people I leave behind.

Kids......the fact that I feel like the worst mother ever right now is probably one of the reasons my head is pounding on a daily basis.  Kid A will not listen to me and his attitude is just ridiculous.  Kid B has developed this affection for screaming at the top of his lungs when he is told no or cannot have something.....he is six.  This is the behavior of a toddler.  They both constantly pick and fight with each other.  I love my children to death, but some days I don't like them very much.  My only saving grace is this behavior is reserved for only me.  Teachers, daycare providers, other parents, anyone that is not me,  gets all the good and I get the crap.  Even their dad gets cooperation and decent children.  But according to the long line of mothers who have been there before me....this too shall pass.

School....This is the one constant in my life.  I love school.  I don't know why it has taken me this long to go back.  Right now it's only two classes.  I have done well on tests.  Each class has a group project....I loathe group projects, but no finals.  It's a toss-up.  I'd almost rather endure a 100 question final exam then depend on five other people for 30% of my grade.  I am super excited about being a full time student in a matter of weeks.

So that is it.  Work, kids and school. Yeah. Living the rock star life. I know you're jealous.  You wish you could drag yourself to a job you hate, home to kids who seem to hate you and then work school into that mix. Doesn't it sound like heaven?  I am making myself depressed just writing. this.   Oh and let's add the holidays to this. When I pray at night I have been praying for just a day with no tears and yelling.  Just one day.


So I just do what I always do. I put on a happy face, I smile and listen to music to keep my sanity, and I just keep thinking to myself,: One day it will get better, one day it will get better, one day it will get better. And in the meantime, I just keep saying Proverbs 31:25 to try and keep myself sane.