My Daily Five

My little has been sick this week.  Really sick.  So sick he missed school all week.  I took Thursday and Friday off work and we hung out just the two of us and we had lots of time to talk...and talk, and talk and talk.  The child loves to talk (I have no clue where he got it from)  and one of our discussions was what they do in Kindergarten.  Now Kindergarten today and what is was in 1978 when I started school, are two completely different worlds.  I know I learned my alphabet.  Does anyone remember the Letter people?  Miss A and her Achoo?  I know I could write my name and I remember our stations with modeling clay and listening to stories on headphones.  Aside from the Graham Crackers and Milk and that my rug was Blue with two White Stripes, and that we walked to the park and caught two salamanders as our class pets, I don't remember learning much else.  Kindergarten today however....well to even walk in the door, they need to know how to write their names know their ABC's and a slew of other things.  One of the things they do is call the Daily 5.  Every day they divide up into their team colors and have five different stations.  Math, Writing, Drawing, Listening Skills and Journaling...yes Journaling.  O asked me if I had a Daily 5 in Kindergarten and I told him no, and he told me that was too bad. 

That got me to thinking and that little spark of OCD in my brain that my ADD hasn't killed off starting thinking of lists of five things. I could make lists all day.  I may not follow them or get them done but damn I am a fantastic list maker.  I was going to try and keep it at 5 lists of 5 but I am so good I made 6.

5 BOOKS I WOULD NEED IF STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND
this will never happen because I never go anywhere
1.  Summer Sisters by Judy Blume
2.  The Shell seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher
3.  Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin
4.  Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
5.  The Bible


5 SONGS MY CHILDREN WILL KNOW BEFORE THEY GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL
OK this list could go on forever since I love so much good music but here is a start
1.  All Beatles songs (with the exception of Sgt Peppers)
2.  Rocket Man/Tiny Dancer/ Benny and the Jets
3. Margaritaville/Come Monday
4.  Fire and Rain
5.  Don't stop believing

5 MOVIES I KNOW EVERY WORD TO
I could really annoy a person watching these movies and depending on who I watch it with I do it on purpose
1.  Heathers
2.  Clerks
3.  Singles
4.  Sixteen Candles
5. Grosse Point Blank

5 THINGS I AM TERRIBLE AT 
Another list that could be  miles long, but these are things that I will actually share
1.  Telling people how I really feel (well some people get this luxury)
2.  Cutting fabric straight even with a ruler
3.  Saying NO to McDonald's Coke
4.  Refraining from saying the "F" word about 1,000 times a day
5.  Singing in any form, except in church, with 300 other people there I am fantastic

5 MATERIAL POSSESSIONS I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT
I don't really need much, just these simple things
1. My iPod -this is self-explanatory, if I didn't have music to listen to I might go postal
2. My Nook/Books real or digital I have to read
3.  Lip Gloss- preferably Victoria's Secret Minty Lip Shine, I've heard it tastes good!
4.  Coffee- Again, without it you might get hurt
5.  Pen and Paper- look if these thoughts don't have somewhere to escape to....

5 SONGS I WANT TO DANCE TO IF I EVER GET MARRIED....AGAIN
Not really holding my breath on this one...but a girl can dream or hallucinate or what have you
1.  Wonderful Tonight- Eric Clapton
2.  Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
3.  Crazy Love- Van Morrison
4.  The only one- The Black Keys
5.  No one's gonna love you - Band of Horses

Thank you and goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Just another Thursday in Paradise

*Disclaimer:This post was written after consuming an entire bottle of Moscato, if you think I might insult or offend your tender sensibilities move on*
it's Thursday, and the fact that it's also Valentines Day has not been lost on me.  My little one had two parties today, one at school and one at daycare, so after securing two sets of Valentines cards and making two different snacks, I got him on his way to have a fun sugar-filled day.

That's when the real fun started. I spent this lovely February 14th listening to everyone around me and on facebook talk and post about how much they love this person and oh look what I got, as pictures of flowers, candy, balloons, what have you appeared. There is nothing more annoying or vomit-inducing to a single person than listening to a sickening lovefest going on all around you.  Seriously.  Not that I am bitter, cuz I'm not.  I LOVE love.  There are some people I know who are truly in love and I for one could not be happier. Jealous? maybe.  Annoyed? Ever so slightly? Bitter? Never.  I haven't had very many Valentines days where I have actually had a boyfriend/husband/whathaveyou make a big fuss and I am OK with that.  It's always amazed me the expense and drama that goes into one day.  Women expect gifts. Men fluster themselves trying to figure out what to buy (The teddy bear or the chocolate? Or both?)  It's kind of ridiculous actually. It's one day where people stress themselves out, spend money on things that are overpriced for that specific day and try and make another person happy with that particular token, because nothing else on any other day would possibly be good enough.


I thought I might have plans tonight,  you see  I have been seeing this really great guy for about three months. But life happens and alas here I am alone...on Valentines day drinking way too much wine, talking with girlfriends about whats wrong with men.  This guy, it's so far nothing serious, I guess,  just two people spending time together when we can, and let me tell you, I totally dig this guy. I'd like it to be more, but I haven't said anything.   Why you ask?  Because I am chicken shit.  Totally terrified the answer I want isn't the one I want. My friend told me last night that she can't believe i haven't spoken up yet because if I am one thing, it's outspoken what the hell is wrong with me?   I feel like total shit.   It's no one but myself making me feel this way.  And no amount of wine, texts from girlfriends or pep talks make me feel any different.  I don't even care that its stupid fucking  valentines day.  It's more about being with a specific person that I want to be with.  And my issue??? Well let me tell you, it's the super dark thought in the back of my brain, the one that was planted years and years ago that whispers to me 'you're not really good enough".  The person that planted it is long gone.  I divorced him, but the whispers of doubt that he instilled in me still swirl around so when I don't think things are going well, I immediately go to those thoughts.  Crazy I know but its a hard habit to break.

My friend Michele wrote an interesting note on FB today. She talked about how its' the everyday small things being more important than a big grand gesture on one day of the year.  I whole-heartedly agree.  I would rather have one person who thought of me 364 days of the year than one stupid Hallmark Holiday.  I would rather have a note on my pillow, in my car or a stupid random text than a card, flowers, balloons chocolates or a dinner that you had to wait two hours for.  i would rather have a book you bought me because you remembered it was my favorite author on a random Tuesday in July.  I would rather have you text me a song you think I like from  YouTube in the middle of the day.  I would so much rather have  a glass of wine waiting for me on a day that I came home after a hard day than any amount of gifts on one day in February.  I pick happiness on random days of the year over  any type of fuss on a day that you are supposed to buy me something pretty.    

And can I just say this: Stop telling me I will find the right guy someday.  I am so freaking sick of hearing that I could literally punch the people that say that. Stop telling me I am a great catch,  I know this, this is not new information to me.  I am awesome and any guy would be lucky to call me his girlfriend/wife.  I could totally rock someones world.  I know this so stop telling me. And quit looking at me with those stupid freaking sappy eyes like you just told me I have three damn months to live.

All I want a best friend.  One that will listen to me talk and talk and talk and just laugh at me.  One that lets me cry when I need to and someone to be stupid and  silly with.  One that likes to dance around the house and loves nothing more than lying on the couch and reading a good book on  a weekend. Someone who loves me for me and loves to be with me.  It sounds so easy....and maybe it is.

All I know is that in one hour this stupid day will be over.  And who knows, one year from now I may be of those insipid lovely dovey people grandstanding on FB about the love of my life, and if I am you have my permission to tell me to shut the F*Ck up!

There's this and this and that and this

Do you ever have those days where there is so much swirling around in your head, so much activity, so much caffeine coursing through your veins that you simply cannot pin a thought down????  Once in awhile?  Mine are pretty much every other but today more than most. Add a big dash of crazy emotion and you have me right now. Because if you know me at all, emotion is something I am Never without, good and bad


Let's start with the fact that if it doesnt' warm up soon and that sun doesn't start shining soon, I will not be held responsible for my actions.  There is only so much Vitamin D3 a girl can take, I am contemplating going to  the tanning salon, either that or asking my doctor for some Prozac.  I hate being cold, I hate being cooped up and I hate hate hate NO sunshine.  My nickname is Sunshine for crying out loud and I NEED SOME.

On the other end of the spectrum, I received a message from the husband of a very dear close bestest friend asking if I would like to spend a weekend in Chicago with her.......just us girls...... Hellz Yeah.....the man even offered to keep my children while we went.  If this doesn' scream Husband of the Year then nothing does.  I am so excited right now, I have never, ever , ever in my 39 years just gone to Chicago to spend the weekend, and that thought makes me sad because it truly screams how sad and pathetic my travels have been.

In between there, I have been talking to and thinking about a girlfriend who has been going through hell.  I look at  myself and my sad little life, and like to feel sorry for myself every once in awhile but I really dont' have much to complain about.  No I don't have any money but I have plenty of things.  I have two healthy children who drive me bat-shit crazy but I love them more than my own life and they are really great kids.  I was yelling at them last night then read the blog of my friend and thought "What a horrid wretched person I am, yelling at my children and her own dear daughter is gone from this world"  Her blog is a must read. Anyone who can get through half of  a post without crying  , is someone I don't even want to know.   You can read about what she has been going through here

Next week is my boy's first rock concert.  We are going to see Three Days Grace, Shinedown, and POD.  To say we are excited is an understatement.  I LOVE going to concerts and because he has his Mother's impeccable music taste, this is something we both can do and enjoy!!! I got seats because even I know 11 is a little too young for a mosh pit!

That Dodge Ram-Paul Harvey commercial during the Superbowl just about did me in.  I loved listening to him, it reminds me of being at grandparents and he would always be on the radio.  He is gone and so are they and I have been thinking lately about how much I miss them and would give anything for my boys to have known their Grandma Powell. Some days it's almost too much to bear to know that we will never have another Christmas or Thanksgiving at their house.

I have to say I am flattered and taken aback at the outpouring of love and kudos I have been getting from various friends. None of them know each other but for whatever reason, they have all decided to bombard me with texts, FB messages and posts to tell me how loved I am, how great I am, how great of a mother I am and on and on.  If ever I needed to hear that it's right now. I feel like I am stuck in purgatory.  Nothing about my life right now is for certain.  Not my job, not my love life, not my future and to hear people tell me they are thinking of me, hoping for me and basically cheering for me, makes me feel slightly more stable and less likely to come unglued.  this had led me to reach out to some people who haven't heard from me and tell them the same thing.

So if you get a text or email or phone call from me, and it makes your heart feel good, please pass it along...

I wrote it down so I have to do it right???

Here is a little tidbit about me.  I am not as together as I used to be.  Or maybe it's that I just don't feel as together as I used to be.  Motivation is a word that gets tossed around a lot.  I can ride on it for a few days before I drop it like it's hot and have to start again.  I get mad at myself for not getting it all done.  Basically beat myself up verbally and SWEAR I am going to get it done tomorrow, next week, next month.

I'm not lazy.  I get stuff done.  Like that Tina Fey picture floating around Pinterest  "Bitches get stuff done"  And I do......eventually.  I could come up with a million reason why not but what I decided instead was to come up with a list.  Things I want to do, accomplish, try and master in 2013.  These are things that can happen.  Some are going to make me feel better, a couple might make me more sane.....we are all hoping for that one.  Some might make me better as a person.

So I have hung this up in my room, on my wall as a daily reminder.  I publish it here to make myself accountable, though it may be to total strangers, the thought of disappointing anyone is almost too much to bear.  I am a Virgo after all.

The F word

No, it's not the word you think it is.  It's not the Queen Mother of all swear words.  Some people may rank it up there with the real F word though.  No kids the word I am thinking of today, brought to you by the Letter F is FORGIVENESS.....

How may things have I done in my life that warrant forgiveness?  How many HORRIBLE things have I really done where I have asked that person to forgive me?  Not many.  I have wronged people, those I love.  Made them mad.  Said things I didn't mean out of the heat of an argument, repeated words that were never meant to be heard outside my head.  I have gossiped, enjoyed repeating something to a fascinated audience who I anticipated would have the same response I did when I heard this news and the discuss it in detail.  I have withheld information.  I have purposely repeated something I was sworn to in secrecy.  But are these things that I need to go to someone and utter the words "Please forgive me".  I don't think I have ever said these words and meant it in a pleading, heart-wrenching tone.  I have apologized profusely.  I have been caught red-handed opening my big mouth when I knew better.  I have learned from my mistakes...big time.



What about me forgiving someone?  Oh I have gotten over being treated badly by a friend, a boyfriend, someone who crossed me or made me mad, but I cannot remember a time when someone came to me, Heart on their sleeve...forlorn...begging me to forgive them. And even if I had it must have been someone that I would have forgiven regardless.  I have learned to forgive and forget as people grow and change and those you seemed to be at war with at one time are your fiercest protectors.

No, the real time you forgive someone is when they never ask, never admit any wrongdoing, never acknowledge, or maybe realize, they need your forgiveness.

 In my whole life, out of everyone I have ever met, come across, loved, hated,  passed on the street or blown by in traffic, there are only three people that come to mind.  They have never asked, and never will and I will never utter the words to them "I Forgive You".  I have to just do it for myself and move one. 

One is a former family member.  One is a former best friend.  One is my Ex-husband. 

One had no idea how her actions would affect her children or husband let alone her teenage niece who idolized her.  One took a misunderstanding and ran it so far into the ground, twisted it and killed it so nothing could ever make it right.  One took all the love, faith, hope and will out of the other person until they had nothing left and were just a shell of their former self.

One had no idea they did it.  One did it with a sick deviant pleasure, One could never see that anything they did was wrong.

I have held hatred in my heart for years for each of these people. 

The first one, I learned to forgive as an adult.  She never realized I hated her, even the day I saw her at the mall,  I think I was about 16 and she  looking happy with her now husband and all I could think was "How dare you?"  She smiled at me, thought to speak to me and I turned around, ran as fast as I could and cried in my car.   I learned that if others could forgive her and move on I could too.


The second has been more recent.  It's more of a let it go and forgive because when someone seems to make it their goal on a daily basis to run you into the ground,  you just have to learn to ignore it.  There is no getting away from it.  There are always evil looks and whispers. I have walked into a room and heard my name more than once.  What I stared to feel was Pity and decided that by forgiving this person, I could really care less what their opinion is of me.


The Third is the most raw.  This one will be ongoing.  It's taken me the last three years to forgive myself.  I think I can now  forgive and move on.  I will NEVER get the apology I want.  I have to live with that.  I will NEVER get the acknowledgement that anyone but me was at fault.  I will never be Forgiven.  But I can forgive.  I can move on and learn to live, and love and know that it's not all my fault.  I am not a terrible person. 

There is a song by Matthew West.  It's called Forgiveness.  Listening to it has made me realize its not abut absolving those people but myself.  By forgiving others, we let go of what is holding us down.

"It'll clear the bitterness away, It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do. So let it go and
be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace the prisoner
that it really frees is you, Forgiveness"

Refresh, Restart, Renew

Here we go again.  The clean slate.  The cleansed palate.  Standing on top of January looking down at all the potential of a brand new year.  This time of year affects people differently.  Some are recharged and ready.  Some are apprehensive.  Some like this author are just ready for warm weather and daylight past 5:30.

The other day my friend (boyfriend?  Not sure what's going on yet)  asked me if had made any resolutions for the New Year.  It's easy to say the old standby of getting fit, go back to the gym, get organized.  You can't look at ads in the paper without seeing sales on Fitness equipment, workout clothes, bins to organize, etc. Every email I get from a store screams Get Fit!!!! Organize!!! Get your crazy life back in order!!!

Sunday in Church we spoke more on the subject.  Our pastor encouraged us as a church to resolve over the next 30 days to pray....for five minutes...EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Five minutes is a long time sometimes.  I tend to find myself praying before bed just like when I was a little girl.  It seems a good time to recap the day.  But sometimes after a few minutes I run out of things to say.  There are enough things to improve upon in my life, enough things I need to ask God for help with, and enough people to pray for, so this really shouldn't be an issue.

For me, I would rather focus on the word Resolve.  I have many things in my life (and mind) that need to be resolved, so the word works for me.

I Resolve  to be more Disciplined on my overall health and eating.  I am a healthy person.  I eat pretty well.  For the most part.  I have worked hard to buy healthier food, nothing boxed. Less than Five ingredients.  Fresh, local, natural.  It's hard this time of year and expensive as all get out but the less chemicals we put in our bodies the better.  There will still be nights we run through the drive thru as there is no other option but in order to lose the rest of the weight (20 pounds) this is what I need to do.


I Resolve to find Inner Peace.  This is a hard one.  I truly am my own worst enemy.  I hate myself.  Really.  I need to stop beating myself up for every single mistake I make, and realize that other people don't view me as harshly as I view myself. For every day that I feel good about myself and that I do things right there are Ten more right after that where I feel like nothing I do is good enough.  I don't really know how anyone could love me and that is all I really want.

I Resolve to Focus  The last few years have been crazy so I don't feel like I am organized as I used to be.  I am trying to do too  many things at once.  I need to stop, slow down and finish what I start.

I Resolve to Ask for the help I need (Virgo Alert)  Yeah, I have real issues with this.  I can do it all myself you know.  I don't need anything from anyone because I am Super-Heather.  Well I wish I was but apparently that isn't true.  I would rather help and fix other people's issues and mine, well I can take care of those too.  So I will TRY and ask for more help and not feel so bad about it.

I Resolve to dive even deeper into my Faith.  OK, I know I am going to get some eye-rolls with this.  No I haven't turned into a Jesus freak.  Well maybe a little but I didn't "turn" into one.  I just thought I could live my life with God on the sidelines instead of right there next to  me.  For so long I felt like there was something devoid in my life.  I started going back to church last April and I feel like so much more complete.  I finally found a church that fits for the boys and I and we love it and I am not going to be unapologetic, or pious about it.  It's just the way it is.  Support me or call me a hypocrite, it doesn't faze me either way.

I Resolve to Write more.  When I don't write or jot things down or journal, my head gets so full of thoughts and feelings that I almost feel sick.  I have so much floating around there that I need to get it out and on to paper.  This Blog started out as a way to do that.  Looking back on some of my posts I think I realize some of them should have been journal entries but I am always learning and  although I may only have a handful of people that read this, I can pretend that every day there are thousands of people salivating in anticipation of my original thought and prose......

I Resolve to Epxress my Feelings more truthfully..  This is going to make some people laugh hysterically.  Depending on who you are you see enough of my feelings on a daily basis. My bestie Tara gets 100% of my true feelings and what's on my mind 24/7.  I am not sure she wants or deserves it but the point is I feel comfortable enough around her that I don't hold back.  For some people I am so worried about being judged, or rejected (Virgo anyone?)  that I will hold my true feelings, good or bad back in the event that they will hold it against me.  I need to say what I feel.  I need to hear the answers, good or bad.  Holding it in just makes me crazy and NO ONE wants to deal with a Crazy Heather.  I work very diligently to keep her locked away in a quiet safe place. 

I think I could go on forever.  But this is a good start.  Basically, eat better, pray more, love openly, live happy and love myself.  Easy right????

Happy New Year!!!!

Well, here it is......December 31st...Again..... This year Mama is actually spending it with the hoolies.  We are visiting with some friends, getting our Dance Party 4 on, and just letting the hoolies run wild till they pass out. I have a bottle of Pink Moscato which I am very excited about so should be a good night.

I could reflect on the last year.  It wasn't my worst year.  Hopefully it won't be my best year.  There was happiness, sadness, heartbreak, death, love, new friendships, excitement, devastation and everything in between.  I have many "goals" for the New year.  I will share them with you tomorrow, but for tonight I hope that everyone enjoys themselves, with families and friends, and please be safe no matter what you do. 
If 2012 was not your best year than may 2013 be more pleasant.  Hopefully you all have someone to kiss at midnight, as I will be smooching my two little men!!!

2013 is sure to be an interesting year for me and I hope to share it with everyone!!!!! Until then, thanks to everyone who has checked me out and encouraged me this year! Love you all........Mama