Me Bravely

Want to cry today?  On my agenda most days is just NOT to cry. It really doesn't take much, depending on how my morning with my kids went, or if my hormones are marching through my bloodstream in the wrong direction  A song on the radio.  A thought.  A facebook post. My overactive imagination creating images and scenarios that will probably never ever happen, but there they are anyway.  Boom, right over the edge into sobville. 

Most of the time I just ignore these urges.  I might let a solitary tear slip down my cheek then take a big sniff, suck it all back in and go on with my day.


I don't have enough time in the day.  I don't spend enough time in devotion. My prayers are not long enough, consistent enough. I am failing my kids somehow, not doing enough. I am not going to make it through this. So often I feel like just giving up, saying "Nope, this isn't for me, I cannot take one more thing."

But I can....and I will.  I am going to do this.  I say that I am doing this myself. Technically I am.  I do it all. School, housework, kids, Dr appointments, errands, activities, keeping them clothed and fed and healthy.  Being responsible for their spiritual development when I feel like I am not giving enough time to mine.  Showing them the world and how to be good and kind and gentle and strong and respectful young men.  I will do it all.  I will not be alone.  I have God. 

So if you feel like crying please go ahead and watch this fabulously beautiful video my friend Pam posted on my FB earlier.  I have watched it at least 30 times and remembered where my strength comes from.  Go ahead and click right here

Under the Wire

I just happened to look at the clock and realize, crap! I haven't started writing yet. and I have no particular thing to write about, no particular feeling so guess what you get tonight?  A verbal assault of my day and how I am feeling.  Ready????

I have got to get this procrastination thing under control.  I have two papers due this week I have barely started.  Both at least 500 words with references, in different formats and one that I have no clue how I am going to finish.  Alas I will because after all I am me and I always get it done one way or the other.

My baby has a fever.  He didn't go to school today and when I picked him up he was so sad and pathetic I wanted to cry.  I did a whole regiment of essential oils on his eschewing the usual Motrin/Tylenol and he is now soundly sleeping (in my bed of course)  There is nothing worse in the world than your children being sick.  You are helpless and hopeful and just praying it's short-lived because after all you have projects due oh and a math test on Wednesday that you have also been slacking about.  (I still blame Netflix for putting on Gilmore Girls)

Pearl Jam is 10 days away and I still don't know who is going.  I have asked two guys to go with me and one never answered me back after initially saying he would go and the other is thinking about it.  Thinking about it??? How do you think about it?  It's  PEARL JAM.  Nothing but nothing makes you feel more pathetic than not being able to find a date to f(*king Pearl Jam.  I joked back in June when I bought these tickets that I probably wouldn't have a boyfriend to go with...well I was right.  Too bad I cant pick the winning lottery numbers. I can't even scrape up a date.  I suck, I am a big ,fat, ugly loser.  

I haven't been able to spend any quality time with either of my best friends in weeks.  It sucks and I need girl time.  I have tentative plans with one of them for Friday night so fingers crossed.  Not being able to talk or see them is making me bat shit crazy and I have started pouring my heart out to the animals in the house.. for real, I am losing it.

I ran a race yesterday and didn't stretch properly afterwards so not my hamstrings are pissed at me and making me pay for it today.  I hobbled all day, my back that was hurt last week feels fantastic but my legs are killing me and I have a running date Thursday (oh don't get excited, it's with my friend Sarah) and I am probably going to slow her down.

Seriously.......PEARL JAM
 

Oh Fitzwilliam where are you?

Jane Austen has ruined men for me forever.  In creating Fitzwilliam Darcy she has forever jaded women for the last 200 years.  If you are female and have read Pride and Prejudice and have not fallen in love with him..... there is something reprehensibly wrong with you.

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you" 

I could not even imagine.  These days all you get if you are lucky a guy might tell you that you are hot, or they have been wanting to hook up with you OR send you a text at 2:30 in the morning... the booty call text.  How romantic.  I know men don't know how to communicate anymore but with the advent of technology it's gotten worse.  Communication has been dwindled down to three word texts and if you are super lucky they don't say something like "I want 2 C U"., because you know, nothing gets a Woman's juices flowing more than an abbreviated sext.  Let's face it.  The majority of men don't know how to talk to women.  Forget a letter, hell I'd settle for a sticky note.  Phone calls? Why? Why would you call someone to have a conversation when you can just text them.  Because no one can really tell what you mean when you text.. There is no inflection button.  Are you being serious, sarcastic, or just trying to hold me at bay? Who knows???  I refuse to have another relationship where the main form of communication is texting. It's lazy and just plain chickenshit.  If you can't tell me what you really feel either on the phone or in person then I guess I don't want to hear it.

And let's talk about the in person thing.  Every woman, YES every woman has dreamt of a day where a man she likes or is dating would storm over to her house, knock on her door and declare his feelings.  Believe me when I say this Men... you will get a hell of a better reaction saying it face to face than over a smartphone.  Besides, face to face is authentic.  It's really easy to text someone something that may not be 100% true but only true sadomasochists can tell a woman something like that face to face and be lying about it.

"You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.  And wish from this day forth never to be parted from you."

That my friend is a marriage proposal.  Straightforward. Honest. 

Don't get me wrong.  I don't expect any man to speak these actual words in Old English vernacular, it would just be refreshing to hear something better than some of the drivel I have received in the past.

With Mr. Darcy she created this character, this man whom you were alternately annoyed with and enamored with. He said what was on his mind.  He stood by his convictions.  Strong men who can articulate their feelings are a thing of the past.  I for one am not about to sit around and guess what a text really means or obsess about it. Been there, done that... t-shirt and all of the above.  I refuse to waste time or energy guessing if you really like me or not.  Just freaking say it.  Like a big boy.

Oh and quite a few of my friends want me to start reading Outlander but gaging on how frantic and crazy this Jaime character has made them I think I will stick with Fitzwilliam

Run Heather RUN

I have to run tomorrow.  I have to get up at 7:30 which is actually sleeping in compared to my summer races and get layered up and freeze my patootie off until I actually start running.  I paid money to do this.  My payoff? Beer and pancakes at the end.  Oh and running with my awesome cousin Amy who is also running the Chicago Marathon next weekend.  Seriously.. a whole marathon so what am I bitching about? 

I have sucked rocks at running this year.  I've done a handful of races and slacked with my weekly training.  My zeal for running is fading with no explanation.  I literally cannot make myself go out and do it most days.  I work out.  elliptical, cross-training, weights, biking,  but not running.  I got on the treadmill the other night at the gym and stood there for a full two minutes, hand hovering over the ON button before I jumped off.  What the? 

I think part of the problem is I no longer have anyone holding me accountable.  A few years ago we had this cool little group of us running weekly, doing race after race and now we have lost track, gotten busy and no one is pushing anyone. At this point I need a hot guy to show up at my door and pull me down the road to get me out of this house and run.

So tonight, for inspiration I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I  bought some new running clothes...revamped my playlist... looked at pictures of myself when I first started running and realized how I will never let myself be that fat again...danced around the house trying to get myself mentally geeked for freezing my ass of in the cold.  Beer and pancakes....beer and pancakes...beer and pancakes.   And this picture of Ryan Gosling....I will just pretend he is there waiting for me!

The only mistake I made was drinking a grande non-fat caramel macchiato at 7:30 tonight.

Hear me

Over the summer I  took a communications class. It's one of those required class, but I was excited to take it.  Yes I know, can you believe I was eagerly anticipating a class where I get to speak and am required to do so????  I pretty much volunteered to go first every time.  The people who put no effort into their speeches annoyed me.  I started to think.... maybe I could get paid to speak for a living!!!

Can you imagine?  I mean, yes technically my last job required me to speak to people all day and then I received a paycheck for doing so but I couldn't just say what I wanted!!!

I would love to just talk all day.... give a speech, tell people stories, dole out advice or help. 

The possibilities are endless...... so I came up with a short list:

Radio DJ(Double bonus, I can play my favorite music)
Therapist (Can you say Physician Heal thyself)
Motivational Speaker (Subjects would change based on crowd but I can light a fire under anyone's Ass)

The possibilities are endless. 

The funny part of this whole scenario?? I hate the sound of my own voice!
                            

Through the Looking Glass

I don't belong anywhere.  I don't feel rooted anywhere.  I have lived in this town for almost 20 years and I still call Battle Creek home. 

The problem with that is I don't belong there either. My family is there, I have lots of friends there, but again, I have been gone 20 years and as much as I would like to think otherwise, no one was devastated, no one couldn't bear life without me, and  no one died when I crossed the line out of Calhoun county and headed east.  I am sure I am missed but life went on.

It's an odd feeling and one I cannot really explain.  I just don't feel like anywhere is home.  I don't belong. 

I have a home.  I love my little home.  I just get this overwhelming feeling that this isn't where I am supposed to be.   

The best I can explain it is it's like I am on the periphery.  I have great friends up here, but the majority of them have lived here their whole lives and have known each other at least that long.  They know each other intimately, know the histories, the connections and as much as I am included and made to feel welcome, there is part of me that knows I will never truly blend in or belong.

No matter where I go; friends houses, school events, church, the same feeling comes over me.  It's like I missed a big party that everyone else went to and even though we are all friends or friendly, there is something that sets me apart.  They have all had an experience that I haven't had and I can never catch up.

I have this idea in my head.  I am going to drive into some town, some city one of these days and just know.  I am going to walk into a house, and I will be home.  I will feel it in bones, smell it, let it wash over me and then I can feel as though I can relax and belong.

Every day

It's October 1st.  How is it October 1st already?  I swear it was last week that the kids were out of school and now we are one month into the newest school year.  This time of year puts me into full on panic.  I love fall but that nasty season is right around the corner. The days are getting shorter and soon it will be dark at 5:00. Just thinking about it makes me want to hibernate until April. 

 Thanks to Jon Acuff, I now realize I have 25% of my year left. His article yesterday made me feel slightly better about the fact that I have done nothing this year.   Plenty of time to do things that I thought I would do.  Plenty of time to make things happen. Of course Jon didn't' take into consideration that Gilmore Girls just came out on Netflix today.

Let's see, I had plans this year..... nothing major just you know, lose more weight, run more races, read 50 books.  Yeah none of that has happened.  Ok, my weight isn't bad... except when I feel like a gigantic cow and I hate myself.   Races; yeah I did about oh 5, I have one this Sunday and I haven't run much in two weeks.  It's going to be ugly but there are pancakes and beer at the end so this race is going to happen.  So far I have only read 18 books.... unless I throw in the ones that I have read with Owen I may never make this goal. 

So I set one more goal... writing.  Spurred along by the creative writing class I am taking(taught by the most perfect gorgeous man ever) I decided to try and write every day.  

So that is what I am doing.  Writing, pontificating, pouring my heart out in words.  You may think it's boring, possibly pithy, but I think I have lots to say and I am nearly sure it will clear my head.