Hear me

Over the summer I  took a communications class. It's one of those required class, but I was excited to take it.  Yes I know, can you believe I was eagerly anticipating a class where I get to speak and am required to do so????  I pretty much volunteered to go first every time.  The people who put no effort into their speeches annoyed me.  I started to think.... maybe I could get paid to speak for a living!!!

Can you imagine?  I mean, yes technically my last job required me to speak to people all day and then I received a paycheck for doing so but I couldn't just say what I wanted!!!

I would love to just talk all day.... give a speech, tell people stories, dole out advice or help. 

The possibilities are endless...... so I came up with a short list:

Radio DJ(Double bonus, I can play my favorite music)
Therapist (Can you say Physician Heal thyself)
Motivational Speaker (Subjects would change based on crowd but I can light a fire under anyone's Ass)

The possibilities are endless. 

The funny part of this whole scenario?? I hate the sound of my own voice!
                            

Through the Looking Glass

I don't belong anywhere.  I don't feel rooted anywhere.  I have lived in this town for almost 20 years and I still call Battle Creek home. 

The problem with that is I don't belong there either. My family is there, I have lots of friends there, but again, I have been gone 20 years and as much as I would like to think otherwise, no one was devastated, no one couldn't bear life without me, and  no one died when I crossed the line out of Calhoun county and headed east.  I am sure I am missed but life went on.

It's an odd feeling and one I cannot really explain.  I just don't feel like anywhere is home.  I don't belong. 

I have a home.  I love my little home.  I just get this overwhelming feeling that this isn't where I am supposed to be.   

The best I can explain it is it's like I am on the periphery.  I have great friends up here, but the majority of them have lived here their whole lives and have known each other at least that long.  They know each other intimately, know the histories, the connections and as much as I am included and made to feel welcome, there is part of me that knows I will never truly blend in or belong.

No matter where I go; friends houses, school events, church, the same feeling comes over me.  It's like I missed a big party that everyone else went to and even though we are all friends or friendly, there is something that sets me apart.  They have all had an experience that I haven't had and I can never catch up.

I have this idea in my head.  I am going to drive into some town, some city one of these days and just know.  I am going to walk into a house, and I will be home.  I will feel it in bones, smell it, let it wash over me and then I can feel as though I can relax and belong.

Every day

It's October 1st.  How is it October 1st already?  I swear it was last week that the kids were out of school and now we are one month into the newest school year.  This time of year puts me into full on panic.  I love fall but that nasty season is right around the corner. The days are getting shorter and soon it will be dark at 5:00. Just thinking about it makes me want to hibernate until April. 

 Thanks to Jon Acuff, I now realize I have 25% of my year left. His article yesterday made me feel slightly better about the fact that I have done nothing this year.   Plenty of time to do things that I thought I would do.  Plenty of time to make things happen. Of course Jon didn't' take into consideration that Gilmore Girls just came out on Netflix today.

Let's see, I had plans this year..... nothing major just you know, lose more weight, run more races, read 50 books.  Yeah none of that has happened.  Ok, my weight isn't bad... except when I feel like a gigantic cow and I hate myself.   Races; yeah I did about oh 5, I have one this Sunday and I haven't run much in two weeks.  It's going to be ugly but there are pancakes and beer at the end so this race is going to happen.  So far I have only read 18 books.... unless I throw in the ones that I have read with Owen I may never make this goal. 

So I set one more goal... writing.  Spurred along by the creative writing class I am taking(taught by the most perfect gorgeous man ever) I decided to try and write every day.  

So that is what I am doing.  Writing, pontificating, pouring my heart out in words.  You may think it's boring, possibly pithy, but I think I have lots to say and I am nearly sure it will clear my head.

Seeking

This past Sunday in church we had a verse in our outline that has stuck with me all of this week.  It is a verse I have heard many times.  A verse that I understand and know but often fail to live fully, because after all, I am just a human. 

Matthew 6:31-33
So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I know that God will provide.  I know that God knows what I need. I have learned not to seek things I do not need(well, most things) be greedy or worry about having what others have, but that does not stop me from worrying and wanting.

Worrying about how I am going to make it through the next six months to get through with school when I thought I got more unemployment than I do.  I will figure it out, pray about it and I know that it will all come together because I know that in my heart this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.  Let's just say it's easy to know God is there when things are going great in your life but when things aren't you sometimes wonder if you are doing something wrong.

Wanting is a funny thing.  I have plenty of everything.  Plenty of clothes, plenty of books, plenty of music, plenty of friends.  Wanting for me is not so much the physical or tangible things but more of a spiritual or emotional thing.  I want to know that God knows what I need or hears my prayers, or is guiding me in the right direction.  

Confession:  I have never felt what some people feel when it comes to God.  Don't get me wrong, I am moved by God, sometimes daily by the circumstances of my life.  I can be found in tears most weeks at church, not because it's a bad service (really Phil) but because it resonates with something inside of me.  But, I have never been doing something, asking for something, praying for something and had that God calling where I knew exactly that he was telling me Yes or No.  It doesn't make my faith in Him waver, it just makes me wonder if it's me.  Am I not listening or doing something right? 

It's this tiny thought that makes me wonder that if I am not doing these things right, is that why other areas of my life aren't falling into place.  Like I am not seeing what is right in front of me to make things work.  It's not like it's punishment, like a parent withholding what a child wants until they behave in a certain way, but if I keep seeking the things I KNOW FOR A FACT God doesn't want me seeking then.......

Sometimes I think I would rather be hit by a bolt of lightning or hear God's booming voice down from the heavens then to wonder.

One last thing

Right now I am sitting in a noisy crowded café at college waiting for my next class to start.  Right now my family is 140 miles away laying my cousin to rest.  I couldn't be there and it breaks my heart.  My heart is breaking for many people right now.  My aunt and uncle... my cousins, especially Emily who was his twin.  But most of all my heart breaks for the sweet little boy he left behind... Bryan.

Adam took his own life.  Suicide,  killed himself, call it what you will but the outcome is still the same.  He isn't here anymore.  His parents can't hug him anymore.  His brothers can't roughhouse him and his sister can't hug him and look to him as her protector.  His little boy will never know the sweet nature he had. 

I was there the day he was born.  I was 19 and went to the hospital with my mom and grandma and various relatives. We stood there waiting for these two babies to be born.

It's surreal to me, the idea of suicide.  I know other people who have chosen this way to go.  I know people who have attempted it, and I don't care who you are but we have all had the idea or dark thought cross our minds in desperate times when we think life cannot get any worse....." Would this world be better off without me?". The answer is a clear and resounding NO! 

Everyone has their opinions about it... It's selfish, they weren't thinking right... they didn't mean it.  Some consider you damned to Hell no matter what. In some cultures it was a noble way to go.  Why wait for old age to consume you?   People are angry, confused, was it their fault? Could they have done something?  Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.   I know my aunt tried to help him but all the medical field did was throw drugs at the problem.  There was no outreach, no offer of treatment, and this makes me very angry.  

 I just saw him two weeks ago... hugged him, sat right next to him and talked about work and the possibility of him going to school.  We watched Bryan run around, fascinated by a puppy that was there. 

Now all that we have is his memory.  His sweet smile, his bear hugs, his quiet voice.  You can wish and want and beg and plead but nothing is going to bring him back, fill the gap, or make it better. His parents and siblings have to pick up the pieces, they have to explain to  his boy someday what happened. 

Now I ask of you..... reach out to people.  If you think for a minute someone you have come across is down so deep they can't see out, reach for them.  It's uncomfortable, you may think well someone will help them but sometimes they don't get help.  Don't stop until they do.  Make sure they get a way out.  If you read this and think, this is me.... please I beg you, ask for help, get help, do not be ashamed and do not think for one minute no one will care or miss you.

And finally, if you wish to donate to Adam's memory and Bryan's future please click the link below.  His family will need help burying him, and caring for Bryan.


Little Bryan in his suit

http://www.gofundme.com/drbllw

Words

I am, quite simply, a logophile.  Now before you go to Google to find out what that is, let me tell you. It is Greek for "lover of words".  That I am.  I fervently adore words.  Those that make up books, lyrics, quotes, phrases and verses. When they are spoken so eloquently, I am awestruck.   It never ceases to amaze me how 26 simple letter can be assimilated into so much joy, sorrow, comfort, and humor.  I have a dictionary and a thesaurus.  I once read a book about a man who read the English Oxford Dictionary.  Yes, I am a great big nerd. 

The thing about words is they are easy to say. Hard to take back.  Easy to believe.  I can get swept away in words.  Put them together in the right order and they sound like promises. Whispered late at night in the cover of darkness between two people, they sound like forever.  Standing next to someone in a crowded bar, he leans in so close that you swear your bodies are touching, but only the tip of his mouth touches your ear, so you can only feel hot breath that comes with those words.  Those should be the truest words uttered, instead they are temporary.  Texts, Facebook posts that make your heart leap from your chest.  Words  are exquisite but in the wrong hands they become malignant.

I don't take much stock in what some people say anymore. I try to look beyond what their mouths are saying and into their eyes and hearts.   It's going to take me seeing the truth in someones soul to believe them.

 There is a quote from The Beautiful and the Damned. I would loved to have met F. Scott Fitzgerald.  That man could take those 26 letters and spin them into magic.  He wrote: "I don't want just words. If that's all you have for me you'd better go." 

Truer words were never spoken.  I don't need to hear how beautiful, amazing, wonderful or special I am. Don't just tell me that you want to be with me. Show me and make me believe because words are cheap my friend.

Good things

This isn't what I sat down to write.  I have another topic altogether  but it's not quite set in my head so I will tuck it away.  Instead I am making a list of good things.  I am by myself this week as the boys are spending a summer week with their dad so there is LOTS OF TIME for me to think and think and think and that is never a good thing.

1.  Lots of Hot Sunshine
2.  the first sip of an Iced Cappucino
3.  Breakfast with a good friend
4.  The windows down and the radio up
5. A rainy breeze blowing in my window
6. The smell of books, old and new
7.  Kisses after midnight
8. Long phone calls with an old friend
9.  Music all through the house
10. Time to browse in stores
11. Sitting on my deck and staring at the heavens
12. Crisp Veggies and Juicy Fruit (not the gum)
13. Ice cold beer
14. All the concerts I still have this year
15. Gym time
16. Early morning bike rides
17. Running at dusk
18. being missed and being told so
19. Long drives to nowhere in particular
20. Smiling at people and saying hello

"The are of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things" Henry Ward Beecher