The cat ran away and other lies I've told my children...

Let's be honest here people. We lie to our children on a daily basis.  Every "just a minute"  to "we'll see" is usually a flat out lie. I don't intend to do it....for the most part but it happens.  As they get older they will totally catch me in these lies and call me out, but until then, they can just stay in the dark. 

What kind of lies do I tell them??????? Some that you tell your own children, some not.

1.  The Santa Clause/Jesus lie
     OK, you tell this one too.  "Santa Claus is watching you"  From about the end of October right up until bedtime on Christmas Eve everyone uses this veiled threat to make children behave.  Of course it only works with my five year old so that is where I break out Jesus for my 12 year old.  So that isn't a lie, Jesus is watching you, but I like to add the "What do you think Jesus would think of your Behaviour?"  Kind of like my own WWJD which they totally miss the significance of because of their age.

2.  The It's All Gone Lie 
     Sometimes you have something that is just too good for a child's palate.  Candy, Cookies, Ice Cream.  I try and not eat a whole lot of that but every once in awhile, there is just something I find that I LOOVE, and I will be damned if I am sharing it with a child who is just going to woof it down and not appreciate it!  I have been known to hide stuff in very creative, high above their head places where they never know it's there.  Once they drift off to sleep I can then enjoy whatever delectable morsel I have.  SIDE NOTE:  Make sure your children are fully asleep, if not it's like the cat/can opener affect and they come running when they hear a box opening.

3.  They aren't home
    At the end of a long workday, the last thing I want to do is deal with someone else's children.  Let's be blunt here, there are days I don't want to deal with my OWN children.  So when they ask for someone to come over/go to their house, I will occasionally "pretend" to call and alas, they aren't home.  SIDE NOTE: This isn't working much more for my 12 year old since he has his own phone, but I still have the almighty power of N-O.

4.  I didn't see that
    This is kind of a two-fold lie, used for avoiding stopping somewhere and then used to stop tattling and bickering.  If I don't see it we can't possibly stop there, If I didn't see it I can't possibly punish the person (unless there are tears and blood).  I have been known to be driving and Oops I didn't see that restaurant/ice cream place/video game store you wanted to stop at, aaaaand we already passed it. Sorry maybe next time.

5.  I'll be right back/I'll put you in my bed later
    The lie told to every child under the age of eight.  When my five year old goes to bed at night, he likes me to lay with him for a minute.  We usually read, then depending on the day of the week and time of year he can watch a movie in his room.  I love to lay there and cuddle and read but truth be told a full grown woman and a child on a super single bed tends to be crowded.  Sometimes I will lay there until he falls asleep, but most often I have things to do before I can go to bed so I say those four little words "I'll be right back"  and then sneak off to do what have you.  Which is what I am doing this minute.  I left his room to take out my contacts and wash my face and just kept sneaking on down the hall.  He also likes to believe I will put him in my bed later, which I say of course to, then don't and he ends up in my bed most nights around four in the morning.

6.  Your cat ran away
     OK, now, the cat may have run away, but that is still up in the air. Here is what happened.  I was out on the deck enjoying a lovely glass of wine with Jeff, and "one of us" (ME) left the sliding glass door open.  The cats came out.  Now, these were OUTDOOR cats before we got them.  They have escaped Mi Casa once or twice before only to get caught/meander back, so I thought, no big deal, let em run around for awhile, the gate is closed.  Well, for some reason the small one, Bob started freaking out, tearing around and ran headfirst into the gate, turned around and ran the other way and went diving under the porch.  There is a hole there under my rosebush that some animal dug to crawl under for the winter.  Other than that hole, there is NO other way to even look under there.  So as far as I know, he may have come out, gotten through the little space in the gate and ran off for places unknown, but I doubt it.  I fear he got stuck under there or something because I haven't seen him yet.  The boys took the "He ran off" story, which could be plausible, and are just assuming he will turn up again someday or found another family to live with.  I DO feel bad but these cats aren't your typical cats so it's not like they slept with either of them or cuddled up in our laps.

So there it is, my omissions of sin.  Hopefully that can forgive me in 30 years 

The best daddy ever

Today is Father's Day.  The one day a year we stop and celebrate Dad. Looking at Facebook this morning there are hundreds of posts celebrating dad's or men who have stepped in and taken the place of dad and even some Mom's who took the place of dad.  I am for certain that most people believe that their dad is the best dad ever.  More superior than the other dad's.  I hate to tell you that you are incorrect, that my dad is in fact the best dad ever.

He is the man who brought me not one...but TWO baby kitties in a basket when I think I was about two years old.

He is the man who taught me everything I needed to know about sports.

He has chaperoned many an activity, school trip, etc with no complaint, he drove my sister Erin to Cedar Point one year when she missed the bus with her class.

He coached us in every sport imaginable from the time we were about 5 right through high school and continued to coach after we were grown because his nephews needed someone to coach their baseball teams.

He came to every single game of mine.  Basketball, volleyball, home and away.  EVERY SINGLE ONE, no matter how far he had to drive or if it meant leaving work early or giving up sleep.

He is the man who taught me what family means, sacrificing his time, money, and sleep to make sure his family had everything they needed. He made us feel safe and secure all the time.

He is a quiet man, who thinks before he speaks.  When he raised his voice it was for a reason, and to this day even though we are grown women we come running when he calls, not out of fear but respect.

He taught me how to be selfless and give to anyone and everyone who had less than me.

He gave me my deep love of music.  We played a game on the many road trips back and forth to Florida or Cedar Point or Up North. My sisters and I had to know  not only who was singing but the title and the words as well.   If not he rubbed my mom's head for the answer, which was hilarious and infuriated her in the process, so we tried to know the answer.

He is a wealth of knowledge, he truly knows everything.

He can be an imposing man, he has scared off many a boy from our house but he is really just a big softie.

He is the ultimate Papa.  Our kids adore him, he always has time for them.  Just saying we are going to Papa's house gets them excited.

I love my dad so much.  We have not always seen eye to eye and because we are so much alike we have often butted heads.  There was a time in high school between my 10th and 11th grade year that was particularly difficult but I was the oldest and I now know that he and my mom were just doing the best they could.


I truly could not ask for a better Daddy.  He has always been there for me, my sisters, my mom and his whole family.

I love you Daddy.

Stuck---in a Blender

Sometimes I think this must be what it feels like to be stuck in the eye of a tornado.  Standing still, completely calm inside, all the while watching everything I own, everything I love, everything I know swirling all around me and not being able to do anything but stand and watch.

I don't like this feeling.......

Right now there is not one thing in my life that is for certain...

I have a job, but I may not have a job by the end of the year....

I want to go back to school but don't know how I can unless I don't have a job....

I have an incredible guy in my life but I am not sure where it's going.....

If I don't have a job then do I move back home?  Or stay here and try and make things work?

This stinks

What I have been doing is a whole lot of praying. Talking to God and asking for direction.  I hear all the time about people who pray for direction, for answers, and they get them and make these life changing decisions.  So far I haven't heard much.  I haven't stopped praying but I also haven't stopped worrying and feeling trapped in this blender.

Sometimes I wish God's plan would come in a nicely written letter waiting for me in my mailbox.  Any chance of that happening???

This is what I do know:

I have an intense desire to do something acutely different with my life.  My focus as far as my "career" or a job is pulling me into a complete opposite direction than any I have ever thought about

I want to go back to school badly.  I feel like I have wasted half my life wishing that I had finished school.

The guy?? Yeah I really want that to work.

I have control over nothing in my life, and as easy-going as I am it's not a feeling I enjoy.

 I want to wake up and have everything set down in it's place, calm, sunny and not a hair out of place.    

Hungry Part 2

*Disclaimer: These are my own personal feelings about God, Religion, etc and if I offend anyone....so sorry!!!*
 
A couple months ago, I wrote about being hungry....physically hungry. I had done a Hunger Challenge through church and although it was difficult, it seemed to make me acutely aware of a different kind of hunger....a spiritual hunger. 

I grew up going to a quaint little Baptist church in my hometown.  It was a perfectly lovely church and being a small child, I never questioned anything I was being told. I learned my Bible Verses, I learned the books of the Bible.  I sang songs, learned lessons.   I am not saying anything I was taught was wrong, but by the time I was in middle school, I was confused, and when high school came along, I was indifferent, and angry, and didn't want to go. I quit going sometime around my junior year.

It got really easy to just not go.  I moved out of my parent's house and in with my ex-husband and we didn't go.  I got married in a church and still didn't go after that.  I had a child and didn't go.  Our first babysitter was very involved in her church.  She took Evan with her when he was still a toddler.  He went to the Awana's program and eagerly learned Bible verses and brought home bags full of candy as rewards, recited them for me, asked questions which I answered, and still I didn't go.  I had another child and in the meantime my marriage was unraveling.  This would have been the perfect time to go.  I even suggested that maybe going to church would help us....we still didn't go.  I got divorced, moved out and moved on and I still didn't go.....I was in a relationship that was completely unhealthy......after that ended I felt like I had come to the bottom, I needed something, I just didn't know what that was.

Let's back up about 28 years......One of my clearest most vivid memories of church growing up, was being told by a well-meaning elderly Sunday school teacher, that every time I told a lie; to my parents, to a teacher, even a friend, God was going to punish me.  God would always punish me when I did something wrong or bad.  Now, I don't like to say I was completely naive but this sweet old woman seemed to know what she was talking about.  I mean she had been teaching our class and seemed to know Jesus very well, so whatever she said must be true right?  That followed me for a long time and every time I messed up, intentionally or otherwise, I awaited God's Wrath, knowing that at any moment he was going to strike me down, make something horrible happen to me for sinning. 

Forward about five years......I was a teenager....listening to rock-n-roll, reading everything I could get my hands on, and (horrors) dancing.  All of these were a big no-no.  I was told everything I was doing by just being  a teenager was a sin, and of course if you sinned, you know where you are going,,,,that fiery brimstone place called H-E-L-L.  The end of me going to this church came when our youth leaders showed this horrifying movie about the End of Days, where Jesus comes back and all unsaved people are under the control of Satan. If that lovely viewing wasn't enough, they then made it very clear that anyone in our family who wasn't saved was going straight to Hell.  I went home crying and my mom told me we didn't have to go anymore.

So about a year ago, I knew that my life was missing something.  I had gotten divorced, bought a house, was raising these two boys, I was in control.  I was calling the shots.  I needed NO ONE to help me or tell me anything, because I had it covered.  My friend Carol suggested I come to church with her.  It's a large church.  I think that initially is what kept me away.  Big churches to me meant anonymity.  No one knew you, they just wanted you to hand over cash.  Sometimes when I walked into a church I felt like I had a bulls-eye on my forehead.  I felt like fresh meat.

So one sunny day in May I packed up the boys and off we went.   And yes it was big, but it wasnt' scary.  There was a band??? No stuffy choir.  People were wearing JEANS!  What?  Then I am pretty sure the Pastor came out in Jeans. And he appeared to be my age! Where was I? 

As the message started, I began to relax, my shoulders coming down from my ears, and all of a sudden this feeling began to come over me.  I cannot tell you any words that were said that day.  I only know that by the end of the service, and when the band came back out to play, I was almost in tears.  I couldn't have told you why, but I can tell you for the next month when I went I felt the same way.  I wanted to cry, not with sadness, but with an overwhelming sense of relief, of being exactly where I was supposed to be.

Over the next few months, I installed the boys into their classes, started really listening and reading my Bible and started taking my own classes.  As I listened to the Pastor's of the church talk about God and Jesus and his Love for me, for everyone, how anyone can be re-born,  realized how I can screw up on a daily basis and it's going to be OK.

These thoughts, these words, richoted around in my head.  I could screw up and not immediately be in line for the depths of Hell?  I knew Jesus died for my sins, and accepting him meant I was supposed to go to Heaven, but no one had ever explained it that Jesus came for the poor, sick, the down-trodden.  My whole life ,Jesus was someone who was a reward for the good, the best, the holiest.  Because of my sins, my choices, I didn't think I was a worthy person.  Why would I get God's glory when I had left my marriage?  Why would I get a second chance? What could I do to change that?  As I took these classes, had conversations, I found that most people there had a past, had past sins, and no one judged them for it.

Now a year later, I cannot wait for Sunday.  The people of New Covenant have made me feel as welcome as if I'd walked into a family members home.  The youth leaders are wonderful with my kids.  I want to learn everything I can.  I want to hear all the idea's and I want to bring everyone I know to this church.  I want to do something bigger than things just for myself and teach my kids the same thing.  That we can be good people, with faults, and we are not condemned for being human beings. 

I am Hungry.....and it's a good feeling

The Song never ends

Let me tell you one thing, if I know you for very long, if you mean anything to me at all, you will eventually have a song (or songs) attached to you.  Certain songs belong to certain people and always will.  Song lyrics are a story and stories are words.  The words and music together, can make an incredible memory.  Happy, sad or indifferent.

Sometimes, the perfect song comes along.  Perfect for the situation, perfect for the person.  When I hear it, if its a good thing I listen to it over and over and over again.  If it's bad I can't dive for off button fast enough, and long after it's over the song can stop me dead in my tracks and make me remember.

Flashback 2011: 

Kenny Chesney can write a damn good song.  They are fun, they are sweet and this one, well this one was perfect

"You and Tequila make me crazy. Run like poison in my blood.  One more night could kill me baby."

I remember texting him and telling him I found the perfect song that describes us.  He agreed.  It was so good at that point.  I could not hear that song enough.  I immediately downloaded on my iPod and probably played it a thousand times.

"30 days and 30 nights, been putting up a real good fight, there were times I'd thought you'd win"

Except there was no fight.  I was completely helpless to fight.He always won.    The sound of my phone going off sent me scurrying and the hours spent on the phone joking, laughing and planning made me feel like I never had before.

"One is one too many, one more is never enough"

There was never enough.  Not enough time.  Not enough weekends.  Too much space between us.  I would have driven to the ends of the earth to see him and at that point I knew I was in trouble and I didn't care.  Drive two hours to spend eight and drive two back home? Sure why not.  We both made the drive any time we could.

"When it comes to you , all the damage I could do, it's always your favorite sins, that do you in."

Truer words were never spoken.  Although we had this agreement, that is was just a fun thing, I had somewhere around three months in forgotten about that and let myself ever so slightly believe differently.  My sins did me in.  Damage was done.  And hard.  When it was over I was devastated.  It was really no fault of his, I had broken the rules, the ones I set.  I just kept playing the good parts over and over in my head, trying to figure out if I had imagined it all, I know I hadn't.  Not the I Love Yous even though I always called him a liar when he said it.  Not the most tender way he kissed my neck or the way he held me until I fell asleep.

I won't lie.... I cried for days, I over-thought it.  I know I drove my girlfriends crazy.  I was pissed.  At myself for doing what I said I wouldn't and at him for being able to walk away so easy.  I hated this damn song.  I nearly ran off the road one day when it came on the radio.  I took it off my iPod.  I cursed Kenny Chesney for singing it.

Now, a year later, I can listen to it.  It makes me think of him, it's always going to.  I don't hate him, I've know him too long to hate him.  It made me stronger.  It made me realize what I should be looking for.  I don't regret it for a minute.  It was exactly what I needed at that time.

Precipice

prec·i·pice  

Noun

A very steep rock face or cliff, typically a tall one.

Synonyms abyss - cliff - chasm - gulf

 
Have you ever been almost happy?  Have you ever stood on the edge, looked over, dipped a toe in?
I'm happy.  Happy with life, happy for such beautiful kids, wonderful friends and incredible family. 

There's just one aspect of my life I'm unsure of.  Standing on this precipice, looking down, I can see partway,  but the rest is an inky swirl of fog. Part of me wants to jump over the edge.  The other part wants to inch down, be safe. hold back.  Hold back? Me?  I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no poker face, but if anything the last few years have taught me to be cautious.  What I stupidly thought  was safe and certain, got ripped away.  I'm not getting burned twice.

I went with a friend to a psychic last year.  It was on a whim and I really wasn't expecting much.  She told me lots of things.  A lot of them true, but one thing she said to me that I didn't even see was that my heart was completely closed.  That I had no room for anyone in my life and until I made room and opened myself back up that person wouldn't be able to get in.  She went as far as to tell me to go home and clean out some drawers and cupboards to make room. 

At the time I scoffed at the suggestion.  I was in somewhat of a relationship that I thought maybe?? Possibly could be going somewhere.  So I just kind of tossed her comment aside.  After that went sour, I still had a backup and until that went nowhere I began to think of what she said so many months prior.  As much as I wanted someone in my life was I putting up walls?  Some kind of invisible line I couldn't see?

So I did what she said.  As absurd as it seemed, I made space.  I cleaned out a drawer in my bathroom.  A shelf in my closet.  I made room.  I put myself out there.  And I prayed.  I prayed and prayed hard.  Not for a particular person.  But for the person that I am supposed to be with.  I made room. prayed to God and have started to open back up. I can almost see this happening. 

I won't lie....it's hard.  A lot of it is me.  Tired of being disappointed.  Tired of feeling like I might not be good enough.  Terrided that if I let myself be the teensiest bit happy....to look down the road it will all be over.  But I am trying. 

As I stand here, looking down this steep, scary drop I hop back and forth, one foot to the other.  I take a running start then dig my heels in.  I need to just jump, headfirst, screaming into the cool darkness and have the faith that person is waiting to catch me. 

Hungry Part 1

Have you ever been hungry?  Truly hungry? 
 I know I have said the words "I'm so hungry I could die" at least a few times in my life. But have you ever "gone hungry"?  I don't mean "I skipped lunch" or "I'm dieting" hungry.  I mean the pit of your stomach aches, you feel weak and your head hurts hungry. I haven't.  In my whole life even when I've had barely had any money, I have never missed a meal. 

  Over that last several weeks my church did a series called "Just"  and we talked about Justice in the world.  We talked about the slavery that still exists and Human trafficking. and we talked about hunger.  We talked about how 1/3 of the world eats well, 1/3 is hungry and how 1/3 is starving.

You knew this.  You have flipped past the Feed the Children commercials.  You have seen the Food Bank billboards in your town.  You have seen the lines of people at missions or churches waiting for handouts of food. I knew this too, but with a million other things on my mind and my own issues to deal with it's nothing but a fleeting thought in my mind.

Our pastor encouraged  us to participate in a Hunger Challenge.  For five days.  To eat as most of the rest of the world eats.  One cup of Oatmeal for breakfast. One cup of rice and beans for lunch.  The same for dinner. Tap water to drink.  That's it.  I thought about it for a couple weeks.  Wondered who else would do it.  Wondered if I had the strength, the willpower to complete it.  

The weekend before it started I was in Chicago and as I was eating Pizza and burgers and whatever else I pleased, it was weighing on my mind and my heart.  Did I really want to do this?  Could I?  I still had to make dinner for the boys.  I still had to smell all the food other people were eating at work.  I couldnt' just fly through Timmy Ho's and get a huge coffee. 

But I did it.  Thankfully, another girl in my department attends my church and she did it too.  It was wonderful to have someone to encourage and talk about it with. There were also other members of church that I kept up with.  We posted on Facebook and Instagram and we encouraged each other. We were tested in many ways last week but we made it to Friday.  A little lighter maybe, but no worse for wear.

I did learn some things though....

I eat way too much food.  even though I don't eat half as much as I used to, I don't need to eat as much as I think I do.

We waste too much food.  I think I lectured my boys about five different times about what they were eating, how much, and how much they really needed to eat and snack.  

I spent almost no money.  Other than gas in my car and the bills I had to pay, I spent nothing all week.  I never went into the grocery store.  The boys got whatever I had on hand for dinner and they were fine with that.  They went to their dad's for two days, so I could just prepare my own food

I have a ton of food in my house.  When you can't eat but have food at the ready, you open the fridge and cupboards a lot.  I kept thinking, I could eat this, and this, and this and that.  We are definitely eating out of our pantry more.

I'm pretty sure my stomach shrunk a little. I still can't eat a lot at one time,  This could be a good thing.

I can make a cup of rice and beans last about a half an hour. I am also pretty sure I didn't leave a single grain of rice on my plate.

I don't need to drink pop.  But I do still need coffee.

It was hard explaining what I was doing and why to some people.  Not just people who don't go to church, that would have been a no-brainer, but even some who attend other churches looked at me like I was crazy. No my church didn't make me do it, yes it was tied into Easter but that wasn't the only reason.  Yes, I know I can quit if I want to and God won't think any less of me.  Some of the things people said were astounding.

And finally, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  I had moments of weakness where I wanted to eat something.  I could have, but in doing that I would have given up what I was striving for.  It opened my eyes, not just to the hunger around me but within myself.  I prayed more.  I thought more. I took the opportunity to keep myself occupied and complete tasks.  I went to bed early.  I read my Bible more.   When I focused my mind on something other than how hungry I was, I was able to see some things that I needed to see, and when I say I was hungry it wasn't just physical hunger....

To be continued.....