The Samaritan Woman

Do you ever feel like you aren't good enough?  Like you don't measure up or you feel like you continuously make mistakes.  I do.  I feel that way too often.  I know that part of it is all the pressure I put on myself.  I feel like I have to prove something, like the feeling of not being good enough drives me to try and be perfect.  It usually blows up in my face.  This isn't a pity party, its' just me trying to be Superwoman because I feel like I have to be.  I'm divorced with two little boys, doing this all on my own and come hell or high water, I am going to do everything in my power to succeed.

Why do I feel like I am not good enough?  Not pretty enough, not enough for anyone.  It certainly isn't the way I was raised.  My parents, my family, always told me how beautiful, wonderful, smart etc, I was even when I was a too-tall chubby girl with a horrid curly perm and coke bottle glasses.  I know what it is, it comes from living with someone who for nearly 15 years pointed out everything you did wrong. How you screwed up, how you could have done better.  And because I didn't succeed at the one thing I thought would last forever, I am really a failure.

OK, there is a point to this story and it's not me sitting her boo-hooing about poor pathetic me.  I joined a walking book club at church (It's exactly what you think it is, we read, we walk, we talk)  The book we are reading is Cast of Characters by Max Lucado.  He has taken several characters from the Bible and modernized their stories.  Most of these stories I know already.  I have heard them growing up but with his unique spin on them, it helps you find yourself in these stories.  So far the one I have identified most  with so far is the Samaritan Woman.  This is a story we discussed tonight.

She is the one who met Jesus at the well.  She didn't know who he was, just a thirsty man looking for a drink.  In one part of the story Jesus asks her to get her husband, but she has none and she is filled with shame.  Yep, sometimes people ask me about my husband, and I get to say I am divorced and every once in awhile I get that look.  The "oh" look.  Like either poor pathetic you, or I wonder what you did or didn't do.  Look, I am the one who initiated  it , and I don't regret it, I am not pathetic or sad but thanks for your judgement on a situation you know nothing about

Jesus knew her story.  Obviously, because he is Jesus.  He knew she had been married five times (Me only once thank you)  That she was currently living with a man who wasn't her husband (won't make that mistake again)  He knew that people looked down on her and that she felt she wasn't worthy of being anything better. She didn't think there was anything more for her, that she didn't deserve any better.  Jesus knew she did, and told her so.  Jesus said to her "If you only knew the gift God has for you".  He knew her past, he knew her troubles, and he still loved her. 

This is where I struggle.  I know God loves me. I know that no matter how much I screw up it's OK with him. I know there is a plan for me somewhere. My plan was not to be a single mother of two boys.  To wonder what the hell I am doing on a daily basis and to be doing it alone.  It would be so much easier for Jesus to show up at my door or to find him at a well, and tell me what I should be doing,  but since that isn't going to happen I guess I wait and figure it out.

It's so easy to identify with her. Sometimes you just take the love that is there thinking it's what you need and want, only to realize it was the worst thing you could have done to yourself.  That is what she did, rather than be alone after five husbands she just took the bed of a man who would have her (Big mistake sister, they only want one thing!)  Like the Samaritan woman, I don't always feel worthy of anyone loving me. More or less I am terrified of anyone really loving me because I am worried I will screw it up or I just won't be good enough for them, and they will just be gone (been there done that a couple times)  Unlike the Samaritan woman however.  I will not just be with anyone who will take me.  A physical relationship only works for so long and only leaves you feeling worse than before (T-shirt anyone?) 

Nope, I won't be her, but I can understand how she feels.  I have had enough stones thrown at me for my decisions, been made to feel unworthy for too long.  Like her I will take the faith in God and know that it is enough and that I am enough.

It's almost over...sniff sniff

I have been on vacation for almost two weeks.  I am loving every minute of it.  Every summer , my ex and I can each have the kids for two consecutive weeks without the other seeing the kids and its my two weeks.  Let me be clear: I NEVER want to go back to work.  At least not where I work.  I could easily stay home with my kids. Well, when they are in school that is. 

We have had a great couple of weeks...other than me threatening to beat them for arguing every five minutes, its been great.  We have slept in nearly every day, ate early dinners, played outside, everything I can't do every other day I work. 

One thing I have not done at all is run...there just wasn't really a way to leave them, or we ate too late or it was too hot, excuses I know.  I am supposed to be running a 5K Saturday and I will probably just flop big time but it's my own fault.

did I say how much I don't want to go back to work.  my Yoga pants are just so comfy.

We have listened to music all day.  Had no TV days (harder on them than me), cleaned, messed it up, cleaned again, gone to the movies, picked blueberries, swam, went on bike rides.

Seriously, I could just never go back to work again..........

One of my bestest friends and her son came to visit for the day, we had so much fun even though it rained the whole day!  I love this girl and miss her so much, I wish I could see her every day.

The boys and I went fishing with a friend of mine.  They were rotten brats, but in a good way, they just picked at each other constantly.  We had so much fun, the little one caught all the fish which put big boy in a bad mood which led to more torture and picking.  But I think we got invited back sometime so I guess they weren't too bad......

I read a couple books...planned on reading about five...yeah right.....watched some seriously bad scary movies......watched almost every episode of the The Office on Netflix again (Yes I know Jim Halpert isn't a real person, just shut up) 

I am really going to have a hard time getting out of bed Monday morning..........

A Beautiful Angel

I am almost at a loss for words.  Which is rare I know.  Instead of words I wish I could make you see how I feel or even feel how I feel.  Through all of this people keep telling me I'm sorry, and I appreciate it but it's not me who needs the I'm sorry's.  I cannot even describe the devastating grief I have witnessed the last two days.   I never like to see people I love hurt or upset but this level of hurt is unlike anything  have experienced in my life.

I have lost people in my life, my grandparents, great aunts and uncles.  I have lost people to illness who went too soon and too young, but I have never been to the funeral of a child and I never want to repeat this experience ever.  If there was a way I could have made this better for Nicole, I would have.  I would have cut off an appendage if it meant any peace or relief for her.

Since Thursday I have been trying to explain to people the bond between the two of  them.  I know mothers and daughthers are close , my sisters and I are extremely close with our mother, but this was unlike any bond I have ever seen.  They grew up together, they were each others everything. Nicole and Cory did everything together.  Nicole fought tirelessly for Cory, she championed for her, Cory had a terrible struggle with mental illness.  Nicole accepted that and was never ashamed for Cory, none of us were. All anyone wanted was for Cory to feel better.and her mother did everything on God's Green earth to make that happen. To look at her you wouldn't think to be afraid of her, this tiny little woman, but I would never get between her and her children.

Cory was a beautiful child, the spitting image of her mother.  She grew into a beautiful young woman and although I didn't see her much the last few years I kept track of all of them.  Every time I talked to my mom she said "I saw Nicole and Cory and they said to say hi"  She was artistic and creative, she was funny and smart.  I loved seeing pictures of the kids and Cory and Nicole on Facebook or getting messages from Nicole.  Cory was so many things to so many people.  So many people got up and spoke today including myself, and I totally blanked halfway through.

If I could do it over this is what I would say: "Nicole, Tim, and Jake, even though Cory is gone she will always be here.  She will be in every part of your day, she will forever be a twinkle in the sky, she will be a random gust of wind, a sudden downpour, and in every sunrise and sunset.  Cory is your angel now, forever looking down on you, at peace and no longer tormented, and although you would give anything to have her back, you have to keep going,  Nicole you are a fantastic mother, you have been for 19 years and you will continue to me a fantastic mother to Jake.  I will do everything in my power to help you.  I will take middle of the night phone calls and texts, I will be your punching bag when you are angry (literally)  I will cry with you and for you, anything at all to help you,  No one wants to you to forget Cory, she is too special and precious for that.  I just pray that one day you can celebrate her life and not grieve eternally for her death."

I love you Nicole, you are and always have been an inspiration to many.

today-yesterday-whatever

I started this post on Thursday and here it is Friday again.  I meant to finish it up yesterday but I keep getting sidetracked.  I just can't think, my mind is so jumbled up right now that if any of this makes sense by the time I am done it will be  a miracle, in fact if you are still reading this and haven't thought I am rambling and make no sense and just closed the page,  then thank you for still being here.

Let me just say I had the most Fantastic day and the worst day all in one.  And just for reference my fantastic part had nothing to do with the worst part. 

Fantastic because I got to spend time with a really cool guy whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I had the best dinner and even though I think I talked wayyyyy too much I think he had fun too.  I really could expound on this subject but I know he is going to read this and I don't want to give him an inflated ego!  All I am going to say it's taking getting used to,  this being treated nicely thing, I have to keep telling myself I deserve it, but am just afraid to.

Now lets get to the worst part.  Before about 8:30 tonight I would have said the worst part was the unpleasant nastiness I have to deal with on a daily basis at work.  However that all seems quite trivial after the phone call I got.  I found out tonight that my friend, my dear sweet beautiful friend lost her daughter in a terrible accident.  This beautiful creature was only 19 years old, I was there the day she was born, I remember her as a bouncy blonde 5 year old and even though I haven't really seen her much in the past few years I kept up with her and her mom on Facebook.  It's 1:10 right now and there is no way I can sleep.  Every day we hear about the terrible accidents that happen and shudder and say that poor mother, I feel so bad for her.  But we are done a minute later because we don't know them and it doesn't affect us, but this does affect me.  This girl was her mother's life.  They looked like sisters.  She was so talented, and beautiful.  She was a sister, a daughter, a friend and right now its easy to be pissed at God for taking such a unique spirit from this world..  That is the part of my faith that I struggle with the most, that things like this are "God's plan"  If God really knew her then he wouldn't have taken her away.   As a mother, I would be irate if someone told me it was God's plan to take my child from this earth.  All I can now is pray for her mom and her brother and her step-dad and try and be there in any way possible for them.

I will remember July 5 2012 forever for two very different reasons....one good and one bad

Thankful Thursday

Thursday is almost over so I guess I need to hurry and do this. I told myself I was going to keep this up and post more often and make people laugh and be more introspective and work on my literary skills...and I haven't. Anyway....Thankful Thursday has been a far and few between and normally I reserve this post for a person in my life but today I guess I really need to take a step back and just be thankful for things in general.

The truth is, I haven't felt very thankful lately. I have felt frazzled, and overly-emotional, and just frustrated with life itself. I can't get ahead, I can't get any sleep, I can't get organized and I can't get my kids to stop fighting. I feel like a terrible mother half the time (let's save that topic for another post). I feel like there is something I am doing wrong. But then I think, I chose this life. I chose to be a single mother, one on income, trying to raise two rowdy, crazy boys to be respectable, respectful gentleman, so I can't really complain right???? No matter how tough my life seems, I can know that I am doing it how I want it, and don't have to worry aobut being told that I am doing everything wrong. I can leave dishes in the sink if I want, I can not fold the basket of clothes at my feet until tomorrow. I can do whatever I want. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and if I screw it up I have no one to blame but me......so here is my list of Thankful things today

My boys - the heat this week - the food in my fridge - my new church and the wonderful people there -losing a tiny bit of weight this week - people who make me laugh - the cool chicks I met last week - a new book that came in the mail today - being called beautiful this week by someone who wasn't a family member -the prospect of good things to come -  and last but not least the fact that my four year old finally conked out and went to sleep.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Its that time again.....Randomness of all sorts......yes, it's Random Thought Tuesday........hold on....

I'm pretty sure I have ADD now, I can't concentrate on anything....at all....in fact while writing this sentence I was jumping over to Pinterest laughing hysterically at really funny stuff......I blame my lack of concentration on my Smartphone....and my kids.......and the fact that I would rather be doing anything other than what I am supposed to be doing....you know besides the fact I have a million things on my mind like whether or not to uproot my children and move across the state....

I found my Twilight movie, yeah I know you didn't know it was lost...but it was and I was sad....guess what I will be watching tomorrow...

I am running Thursday......another 5K and I am hoping to improve on my last race time.....not only for personal satisfaction but also to rub it in to peoples faces who run slower than me and are mean to me/...

Sorry, just had to pull myself back away from Pinterest/Facebook

I have been on a serious 80's hair band binge recently....listening to Bon Jovi right now....

One of these days I am going to stand up and tell a couple people at work to Shut the F**k up, it's going to happen.....

Oops, just back from Pinterest

My fridge has undergone a huge transformation, there is not a speck of bad food in it.  The only thing remotely unhealthy are the Popsicles for the boys in the freezer, no more junk,  I am not letting the boys drink anymore sugary juice or pop, however their hypocrite mother still sneaks a pop from time to time.

I was in Tim Horton's today and some woman ordered a coffee with 8 creams and 10 sugars....Really?  Are you sure you wanted coffee?  I like creamer and yummy stuff but that isn't even coffee anymore

I still can't decide what to do about moving....it makes perfect sense and no sense all at once....I am afraid of making the wrong choice, I have very few reasons to stay and a million reasons to go....I feel like I have screwed up my children enough by getting divorced and don't want to do any more damage or make a complete and utter disastrous mistake......I wish someone would just tell me what to do.

I have to realize that no matter how much you need a reason why someone isn't in your life anymore, you just aren't going to get one and you have to just live with it.....you can't make people communicate or tell you why.....and it's not your fault so stop trying to figure out what you did wrong....

I wish it was as easy to break up with a girlfriend as it is a guy.  I really need to get out of some friendships that are just dragging me down.

I am in love with Instagram.......I was so sad when I lost my camera but with this little app I can make any picture I take with my phone look fantastic.....

I'm reading four books at once again.  Three fiction and one non-fiction and I guess if I read a chapter here and there of each I might be done by Fall....of course putting the phone down and staying off the puter would help

I am thankful every day that Steve Jobs created the Ipod...it has enabled me to miss several inane conversations at work.....

I need to go paint my toenails, tomorrow is flip flop day at work....you know Fun At Work....the clever ploy by our employer to trick us into thinking we are enjoying ourselves instead of realizing we should have stayed in college and gotten real jobs...

And last but not least, the last random thought in my head.....sitting here patiently waiting for someone to make a move or something because I am really not a mind reader and have no idea what's going on in their head....

Three day blur

Why do three day weekends go by so fast? They all so start out nice and easy then before you know it you are driving home in traffic with 10,000 other cars all racing to get home, cars unpacked, fall into bed then get up and go into work the next day.  Let me be clear: I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW..  I need an extra day to catch up on this three day weekend and we were only gone away from home a little over 24 hours.  I should be in bed snoozing and of course I am not.  I will be crabby and cranky and tired in the morning, but it will be Tuesday which is closer to the weekend than when I start a normal week.

Avery and her Minions

 Owen is done with preschool, so it will be full days at daycare for him, to which he replied: "I don't want to take naps!"  I don't want naps either because without them he falls right asleep at night.  Tonight they fell asleep well but why wouldn't they have?  We had a very busy weekend

Watering Grandma's flowers

• Birthday party for a cute little 3 year old on Saturday.  Lots of swimming and running and swimming and cake and ice cream
• Church Sunday morning with a trip to the toy store after to "look around"
• Drove across the state that afternoon
• Played at Grandma and Papa's while Mama went shopping with Grandma (Mama got a new top and some yummy lotion from B&B Works-thanks Grandma)
• Cookout later 
• Ice cream on the way out to Aunt Erin's
• Playing till bedtime with Avery
• Awakened at 6:45 by the little ones (BOO)
• Evan went target shooting with Uncle John, (Best BIL Ever!!!!)
• Avery's Bday party - rescheduled from Sunday because she got the flu
• Driving back across the state