Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

So, it's been awhile and I really have to get myself back into the blogging.  Lots and lots has been going on and I have been super-busy.

I sent in my papers to my lawyer on Friday.  Now she files and we get the ball rolling. 

The boy's dad and I are still living together for now, but I put a bid in on a cute little house still in the same town where we live.  The only problem is, it's a short sale. 

For those of you who don't know what that means; it's where the people selling the house cannot get out of it waht they owe and are selling at well below the price they need to pay it off.  I actaully went lower than what they asked because it gives me a starting point.  Now it's up to the bank to review my offer and see if they will take a loss on the house.  They can come back and counter with me, or they can come back and state they will take no lower than an amount that is out of my reach.    The funny part of all this is that the "short sale" can take up to 6 months for the bank to decide yes or no.  I am hoping and praying they only take a couple months.  I love this house and it would be perfect for me and the boys but I am not getting excited because it may fall through.

The boys seem to be taking this all in stride.  Owen is too young to fully grasp what is happening and Evan, at almost nine seems to be fine with it.  We sat him down and explained everything to him and have let him know that if he has any questions at all he can ask them.    right now he is angry with his dad and I have been doing all I can to not to say anything negative, but he is not dumb.  He understands his dads actions are a direct reason we are splitting up and that his dad is not the nicest person in the world. 

Right now I am just foucsing on the boys.  Making sure they are happy and healthy.  I have been making lots of lists.  Mostly I am just trying to get through the next couple months until I hear something about this house and praying that it's God's will that it will soon be mine.

Things I wouldn't be caught dead in

I have never claimed to be a fashionista.  I like to dress nice.  I like to look nice.  I love to watch What Not To Wear and either pretend I am Stacy London because she always looks fab!

I like to look at what people wear at work  I sometimes cannot believe some of the clothes that people actually wear.  I often wonder if they have mirrors.  They may not know how something truly looks. I'm not trying to be mean but so many people just don't wear clothes that actually fit!  Even skinny girls wear clothes that just hang on them!

After careful consideration here is a list of things I would NEVER wear:

MOM Jeans- you know those high-waisted ones
Anything with a puppy or a kitty or any animal
Anything with fringe
Or Glitter
Or sparkles( the only exception is my cute Reindeer Tshirt that is black and the reindeer is in sparkles)
Leggings (unless you weigh 95 pounds, leggings are out)
A Christmas Sweater or shirt
Pajama's in public ( The only time this is acceptable is if you are running to store and 3AM for medicine)
A shrug (They just don't make any sense to me)
Flowery clothes (one or two flowers are ok but anything more than that looks like curtains)
A top that isn't long enough so that when you sit it rides up and the world can see your undies
Velvet (enough said)

This is it

The corner has been turned and there is no looking back.  All we have to do now is figure out the hard stuff.  Who gets the kids when?  What am I taking with me?  How do I tell the kids?  Owen won't be so hard.  He is two.  It's something he will just grow up with.  Evan is eight.  This is going to hit him hard, but he knows something is up.  When your parents don't talk to each other you can kind of figure something is up.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  I always do that anyway.  I figure if I expect the worst outcome to any situation I can only pleasantly surprised.

I know I have tons of support and love from family and friends.  I don't like to ask for help or anything but  now is not the time to take the high road.  I have to have help.  Help with the kids sometimes and help getting stuff for the house. 

I never imagined this twelve years ago when I got married, but for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of my boys this is my only choice.

What I have been doing

Gathering all my strength and courage
Doing things on my own
Worrying about my Grandpa who had surgery two weeks ago
Paying bills and trying out a new budget
Playing with the boys alot
Looking for a new house
Trying to be at peace with myself
Listening to the New Moon SOundtrack over, and over, and over again
Daydreaming
Not sleeping
Writing lots of lists
Preparing for the worst
Hoping for the best

To the top

Some days are carefree.  Some are slighty stressful.  Then there are others that hit you over the head and drag you under a bus.  That was my day today.

To say that the tension at home is thick is the biggest understatement in the world.  I am still being supermom for the boys but the rest is just in the crapper.

Work is crazy. It always is because its tax time and of course every Tom, Dick and Harriet are screaming for thier 1099's, 1098's and everything in between and as much as we would like to think something goes off like a hitch, well yeah.  Probably thousands of them have to be corrected.

To boot my grandfather is in the hospital and facing some very serious surgery tomorrow.  I took the day off to drive across the state to see him for a few hours before the surgery and am staying overnight.  And it is to be said that my family cannot get through a hospital visit without turmoil and near bloodshed.  I am sure there will be no less than 25 people there tomorrow and hopefully no one takes a swing.  But I guess if they do, we are in the right place because medical attention will be right there.

Plus I found a marriage counselor today even though I told the boy's dad to find one.  We don't go until the 11th and I am just praying every day I can make it that long without going crazy.  I don't really think this will change my mind but a judge will make us go once I file so what the hell.

All I can say is that first thing I will be dropping off the boys at daycare and spending at least two hours with my Ipod plugged into the car and a nice big cappucino!

Now What???

It's been done.  It's all out there in the open.  The boy's dad and I have had the conversation and there is no turning back.    I am filing for divorce.  Soon.  I talked to my lawyer the other night and as soon as I come up with a better plan it will all start.

He isn't taking it well.  But who does.  He is begging me for another chance but I have nothing left.  I have heard it all before.  NOW he wants to go to counseling.  NOW he is going to change and be a better person. NOW he wants to put me and the boys first.  But NOW is too late.  He has had five years to try and I can't anymore.

NOW he is playing the victim.  The pathetic sad person who just can't go on.  Like I said before, I have nothing.  I mean how many of you married women out there could honestly say that you could watch your husband cry, beg and plead and have no change in emotion whatsover. 

All I know is that this is going to be hard and I have to have all my bases covered.  It could get very ugly and I don't want it too. 

I have to do this now though, for my own sanity.  Wish me luck!

It's so Beautiful......and extremely annoying

Last Friday night I had to go pick the boy's up from my friend Julie's house after work.  By the time I got there it was 7 and they were hungry so we just did a drive thru run.  My little man is a big fan of the McDonald's cheeseburger so he got a happy meal.

The theme for Happy Meals this last week was Alvin and the Chipmunks.  We got home and he had the girl Chipmunk.  All you have to do is click a little knob on her back and press her head and in that annoying chipmunk voice you hear "It's so beautiful"   Over and over and over and over again

Little man calls it "his girl"  althought when he says it  it comes out more like "my Giwl"

He carries it around and took it with him for nap the other day.  I drew the line for bed because he shares a room wiht his brother and he needs sleep.

I tried turning it off but his little two year old hands have figured out how to turn it back on so now I hide it until he asks for it.

Not Me Monday

The Things I didn't do today.......

I didn't skip working out although I was sore

I didn't fall apart at all, though I felt like it a little bit

I didn't get very irritated at a co-worker asking me the same question twelve times

I didn't get upset at all when the boys kept screaming at each other

I didn't take the Wii games back to the video store because I didn't want to get back out in the snow

I didn't buy my lunch, I packed leftovers and healthy stuff

I didn't stumble or stutter and made decent conversation when I got to stand in line in the cafe with the "IT guy" today

not too bad at all.....

Superhero Girl

There is this song by a band called Eve 6 called Superhero Girl. The song is probably about 10 years old but I love it. It's more about some nerdy guy to scared to tell some girl how he feels about her but lately it's become my anthem.

These last few months have been very trying and since the boy's dad decided to have some kind of mental episode I have been doing it all myself. I don't begrudge anyone with anxiety or depression at all but this has come at a time when he knows I am on my way out the door and it seems to be a way to keep me here. I sent him to his parents for the week to try and get his head straight before he has an appointment with a therapist, all the boys know is that daddy doesn't feel good and he went to Grammy and Grampy's to rest.

So its just me. Luckily I have a fantastic boss who rearranged my schedule so I can get out early and get the boys from daycare every day for the next couple weeks.

I dusted off my ol superhero cape and have been going to town. I have no family in the area so I have called upon some dear friends to help out. The boys played at one friends house yesterday morning while I grocery shopped and then we have planned on getting things around for the next day tonight to make the mornings go smoother.

We shoveled the driveway yesterday, and I cleaned and played with the boys today. I am in a good mood but tired. Maybe this is my practice run for single motherdom.

Every once in awhile I feel a like I just want to cry but I keep telling myself that I have nothing to cry about. I am strong and I can take care of things. Things may not go like I planned all the time but I will adjust.

I am Superhero Girl.

Did I do this?

I have never lived with a hypochondriac before. I have never had to deal with someone who thought that something was wrong with them 24/7. I really don't have the patience to deal with someone who all of a sudden has multiple maladies, especially when I am trying to take care of two small boys.

Let's go back a couple of months. If you have read this blog at all you know that I am on the downward spiral of my marriage. I had finally had it with the nasty treatment once again and finally looked at him and said "I want a DIVORCE" It was that sentence that finally hit him like a ton of bricks and opened his eyes to the fact that he had run out of chances. About a week later, he had a panic attack. He had been jogging and come back and was freaked out because his heart was pounding and pulse was racing and he couldn't settle down. He then became clingy and whiny, following me around our 950 square foot house constantly asking me what was wrong, no matter what the look on my face.

Deer season rolled around and he went to his parents for the week, which meant a welcome break for me. It was going to be just me and the boys for an entire week. First thing Sunday morning he calls me and tells me that his dad just took him to the emergency clinic because he had another panic attack, they have him some shot and some drug and he is staying there for the next day or so. He comes home they do a battery of tests and can find nothing physically wrong but tell him to keep taking this drug. He becomes super clingy and annoying at this point. He then starts to think that every twinge, creak, ache, that he is having is something tragic. his neck hurts so he thinks he has arthritis. His chest hurts so eh is convinced he is dying of a heart attack. I say maybe its these pills they gave you and tell him to go back to the doctor.

Fast forward to now and I am at the end of my rope, I don't doubt he is having anxiety issues but I think he is playing it for all its worth. He is seeing a therapist but they are sending him to some doctor who can prescribe him some milder medication and its not soon enough. He is completely useless to me right now. He won't do anything. Unless that is it serves his own purpose. He has no patience with the kids and we are all walking on eggshells. over the holiday he laid on the couch the entire three days we were off. Oh he went to the hardware and dinked around looking for a new cellphone but the rest of the time eh just couldn't do anything.

I cannot bring myself to be sympathetic to him at all. I know people who have gone through anxiety issues more severe than his and they dug in pulled through. He is acting like a big baby who wants everyone to tiptoe around him. I know this all started when I brought out the D word but unless something happens soon I am going to need some medication too!